The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant (Fred, the Vampire Accountant, #1)

by Drew Hayes

My name is Fredrick Frankford Fletcher, and yes, that name did get me beaten up quite frequently when I was a child. For those of you who are a little slow on the uptake, I am also a vampire. A relatively recent life change. It happened only about one year ago. I’ll spare you the gory details, but one night I was a mild-mannered accountant with a heartbeat, and the next night I wasn’t. Oh, I was still a mild-mannered accountant, but the heartbeat was long gone. I took it well, I feel, or as well as one can handle such things.

My therapist says I have confrontation issues. He’s not wrong. At least, he better not be at his prices.

And there it was. My unlife was so boring that even the woman who hunted monsters saw me as harmless.

“Are you telling me that vampires and werewolves are the reason America won the Revolutionary War?” I asked, dumbfounded. “No, I’m saying America somehow managed to pull it out thanks to the French,” Krystal scoffed. There was a beat of silence, then Albert said: “You know, when you think about it, her version makes a lot more sense.”

It’s curious that children can either be expert liars or utterly incapable of hiding their emotions, and the classification changes from minute to minute.

“I provide various means for various people of means. I even comply with all the regulations from the ATF.” “Why do I have a feeling that doesn’t stand for Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms?” “‘Cause you’re right. Alchemy, Thaumatology, and Freshness.”