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His mouth twitched again, but Jean dug his fingernails into his lower lip to stop the smile from forming. The self-censure was regrettable, but then Jean said, “Pop. How easily these monsters die in the end.”
Jeremy chased his ragged thoughts down their twisting paths, but they all dead-ended at a crossroads.
“He deserves peace. That’s why he’s here.” “That’s not enough.” “It is more than he has ever gotten.”
How could any of them truly love a cage?
He wanted to dig this acidic heat out of his chest before it melted his bones away. He held onto the edge of the chair between his knees and squeezed until his fingers ached. coward washout traitor sellout reject whore
“Repeat after me: I didn’t deserve what they did to me.”
Please was so uncalled-for Jean could only stare at him, heart hammering louder than his thoughts. He could feel every chain straining, waiting for the words that would rend them powerless at last. He was afraid to open his mouth again lest he get sick, but at length managed a hesitant, “I didn’t deserve—” heavy hands, heavier racquets, dark rooms, darker blood, teeth and knives and drowning, I’m drowning, I’m drowning “—what they did to me.”
“I don’t want you to be like Zane,” Jean said, slow as he tried piecing it together. “I don’t want Coach to be like the master. I don’t want to teach Tanner contrition when he continuously fails my drills or to break my racquet over Cat’s back if I think she should have performed better. I don’t ever want to go back to how things were. Maybe you are fools, and I am the biggest fool for indulging you, but better to be reckless fools than Ravens.”
In the end he only found peace by counting: A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads. Friends. Fireworks.
Mourn what you’ve lost without carrying more than you should.”
“Brown.” It was not the answer Cat was expecting, judging by her reaction, but Jean didn’t waste his time explaining. Brown like the soil in Rhemann’s garden, or the sand where the tide washed ashore, or the dirt roads Cat had led him down time and again. Brown like the gaze that sought Jean out in every room, but that last thought wasn’t one he could linger on.
