Fourth Wing Parody: Fifth Wing (The Boudoir Series Book 1)

by Reid Mockery

Dragons could be assholes. Riders should be very wary of that. --Article One, Section One Dewey’s Guide to Dragons

“Wow, UGGs! They looked incredible. Thanks, Mirror.” “They were expensive. If you fall off the parapet, I will find your body and resell them in the marketplace.

Mirror looks down at her groin and says, “Just mentioning his name made my leathers moist.”

Pain Assos used to be one of my closest friends.

“Vile Soreinbut.”

Then, with one giant swing, I bitch-slap him and his footing gives way.

“I have no idea what this potion does, so I’ll drink it to find out.” --Tomestone 2366, Gravesite Five Boudoir

“The Fifth Wing was designed for the outcasts. The traitors. The people who stormed the castle on January 6th.”

“Xadence Marriott.”

“Why was the castle gardener so embarrassed?” “He wet his plants.” --Major Cancer Tumor, Guide to the Mudbath Community War College

Planet Fatass smells like regret, sweat, and that faint metallic tang of desperation—mine, specifically.

After breakfast, I visit the library to see my little friend Helen Keller. Helen is blind and deaf, which makes communication difficult.

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their boots. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their boots.” Major Jack Handey --Codex of Nonsense Section 18

“You chose to be with me because I am overweight, and you were under the influence of drugs?!” When you put it like that, it sounds bad. “It is!” Do you prefer to be unbonded? “No.” Well, you should shut the fuck up.

“I have to say it. That rooster tail has special needs. Look at it. It is ugly as fuck and cross-eyed.”

“An orgasmic. My signet is my ability to cause people or animals to orgasm instantly.”

“Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to. Unless you’re in prison.” --Xadence Marriott, Mudbath Community War College

Buster Soreinbut. “Welcome to ICU, Vile.”