Carpe Jugulum (Discworld, #23; Witches, #6)

by Terry Pratchett

only those with their feet on rock can build castles in the air.

why are vampires always so stupid?

She liked the idea of “cordially.” It had a rich, a thick and above all an alcoholic sound.

Later on, there’d be a command performance by that man who put weasels down his trousers, a form of entertainment that Nanny ranked higher than grand opera.

They thought you could see life through books but you couldn’t, the reason being that the words got in the way.

A full moon could only wane, a new moon could only wax, but a half moon, balancing so precariously between light and dark . . . well, it could do anything.

But the family had been getting on his nerves, and he reacted in the traditional way of the put-upon servant by suddenly becoming very stupid.

And one of the things a witch did was stand right on the edge, where the decisions had to be made. You made them so that others didn’t have to, so that others could even pretend to themselves that there were no decisions to be made, no little secrets, that things just happened

You can build up a very strange view of someone via the things they leave behind the dresser.

“Well, if it was a choice of wishing a child health, wealth and happiness, or Granny Weatherwax being on her side, I know which I’d choose,” said Magrat.

you couldn’t say things like “who died and made you king?” because they’d know.

The smug mask of virtue triumphant could be almost as horrible as the face of wickedness revealed.

You might be right, you might be wrong, but you had to choose, knowing that the rightness or wrongness might never be clear or even that you were deciding between two sorts of wrong, that there was no right anywhere.

Not many people ever tasted Nanny Ogg’s homemade brandy; it was technically impossible. Once it encountered the warmth of the human mouth it immediately turned into fumes. You drank it via your sinuses.

I’d rather face ’em now than explain to Esme that I didn’t.

People have quite the wrong idea about vampires, you see. Are we fiendish killers?” He beamed at them. “Well, yes, of course we are. But only when necessary. Frankly, we could hardly hope to rule a country if we went around killing everyone all the time, could we? There’d be none left to rule, for one thing!”

You’re all standing around like rabbits in front of a fox! Perdita raged in the caverns of Agnes’s brain.

It was the sort of grin that Agnes supposed was called infectious but, then, so was measles.

You really are quite remarkable, Miss Nitt. The Uberwald girls are so sheep-like. But you . . . you’re concealing something from me. Everything I feel tells me you’re quite under my power—and yet you’re not.” He chuckled. “This is delightful . .

Newly hatched birds were prepared to accept practically anything as their parent.

maybe a young phoenix didn’t know what a phoenix was meant to sound like, either. It might work, and if he didn’t try it, he’d always be wondering.

People often got the wrong idea about Nanny Ogg, and she took care to see that they did.

Witches didn’t own much. The cottage owned things. They were not yours to take away. This looked like an inventory.

It was then she realized how really serious this was. Nanny would normally leap on such a gift like a cat on a feather. Nanny could find an innuendo in “Good morning.” She could certainly find one in “innuendo.” And “buoys with glass balls” should have lasted her all week.

Any fool could be a witch with a runic knife, but it took skill to be one with an apple-corer.

“I was joyful when our Jason was born, but I can’t say I was laughin’ at the time.

They were shouting at one another, and they both realized it at the same time.

“I can’t start being a hag at my time of life,” she muttered. “None of my bras’ll fit.”

“It’s this business with . . . you know . . . three witches,” she said. “The maiden, the mother and . . .” “—the other one,”

“There’s no point in lookin’ at a dog an’ sayin’ that’s not a dog ’cos a dog don’t look like that,”

“Anyway, that’s why she’s always standin’ behind herself and criticizin’ what she’s doing. Sometimes I reckon she’s terrified she’ll go bad without noticin’.”

books that were all about the world tended to be written by people who knew all about books rather than all about the world.

he did know that there were once places—and in some cases still were—with a very high level of background magic, which made them rather exciting and not a good place to raise your young. Maybe the phoenix, whatever it really looked like, was simply a bird who’d worked out a way of making incubation work very, very fast. Hodgesaargh had actually got quite a long way, and if he’d had a bit more time he’d have worked out the next step, too.

cutting off the head and staking them in the heart is generally efficacious.” “But that works on everyone,” said Nanny.

They looked very much like men who killed other people for money, and not even for a lot of money.

“I wouldn’t consort with false enchanters neither,” said Nanny. “Their beards fall off.” “We’re real,” said Magrat. “And we certainly don’t summon lewd and salacious creatures,” said Agnes. “Unless we want to,” said Nanny Ogg, almost under her breath.

“Gnarly ground, see? Bigger on the inside.”

It’s amazing how high and rocky the bridge can be if you’re in a bad mood, I know that.” “I wonder how high it was for Granny, then?” “Probably clouds could go underneath, girl.”

“The harm you come to here is what you brings with you,”

Your weapon, you won't need, heh, heh

“One of anything’s no bloody use,” said Nanny.

One of Nanny Ogg’s hidden talents was knowing when to say nothing. It left a hole in the conversation that the other person felt obliged to fill.

“You can’t treat people like this,” said Agnes, sullenly. “I can,” said Nanny, tiptoeing in the direction of the sideboard. “I’m the other one now, see?”

I’d rather have ’em in here pissin’ out than outside pissin’ in.

The witches were impressed. Greebo had once brought down an elk. There was practically nothing that he wouldn’t attack, including architecture.

“We got things Granny ain’t got,” said Nanny. “Yes?” said Agnes. “Magrat’s got a baby. I’ve got no scruples. And we’ve both got you.”

“You don’t organize a mob, Nanny,” said Agnes. “A mob is something that happens spontaneously.” Nanny Ogg’s eyes gleamed. “There’s seventy-nine Oggs in these parts,” she said. “Spontaneous it is, then.”

I miss Granny as much as you do, but we’ve got to deal with things as she would.” She took a few deep breaths. “I can’t be having with this.” “It sounds better the way she says it,” said Agnes. “I know.”

“Do you want to face the vampires drunk?” “Sounds a whole lot better than facin’ them sober,” said Nanny,

All you know about me is what you can get out of other people’s minds, and they don’t know all about me. Not by a long way.”

You don't know anything about me except that I'm here right now.

“Don’t think of it as losing, Granny Weatherwax,” said the Count. “You will live forever. I would call that a bargain, wouldn’t you?” Granny managed a sniff of disapproval. “I’d call that unambitious,” she said.