Wild Card

by Elsie Silver

“I don’t want to leave either.”

wanted when I came back from a job. And she didn’t hesitate. The intimacy of last night satisfied a craving I didn’t even know I had. Gwen had known what I needed without me having to explain it to her.

I understand her better now. More than that, I feel attached. I don’t want any awkward tension between us. I want the gentleness of last night. And when my feet hit the floor, I tell myself that today is a new day. If I want things to be like that between us, I can do my part to keep them that way. A new day where I can try being nicer. No—kinder.

I can be safe and kind. I can be mature and kind. I can be kind to Gwen without fucking her. Of course I can. I’m a grown man. I’m a highly skilled pilot. I kick ass under pressure. I’ll even apologize for my past behavior, really own my shit.

It’s the simple things. It’s building a life with someone. I’d settle for just that.

But it can’t be just someone. I think deep down I want it to be the one. I’ve been hurt too badly for it not to be. And when I think of the one, I think of her.

And the more I do, the more I realize I misread his reaction at first. It’s not dismissive. It’s…bashful. It’s as though he doesn’t know how to accept a compliment—or doesn’t buy it. I figure if I keep giving them to him, one day he’ll start believing me.

“It seems as though in your mission to be Mr. Good-Guy Hero Man, you’ve plunked yourself squarely into the friend zone.” “I have not. We’re just… We’re being mature. It’s complicated.”

“It’s not complicated. You look at her like she hung the moon, and she’s the only woman in the world who finds your shitty attitude to be endearing.”

I’ve never known a man with a heart so big. And I think that’s the thing I love about him the most.

Knowing I don’t want roses. Or diamonds. I want this. Adventures. With him.

Down on the ground, all the reasons to stay away from her feel insurmountable, but up here, staring at her? They don’t feel like reasons at all.

They feel like excuses.

to wear them like some suit of honor. The choice seems so simple. The stakes completely acceptable. The risk of gett...

“What are you doing?”

“What I should have done months ago”

“What about Tripp?” I hold her gaze but reach forward and flick open the button on her jeans. “He’ll have to get over it.” “Yeah?” “Yeah. Because I’ll never forgive myself if I let you get away again.”

“She Drives Me Crazy” by Fine Young

“It’s driving me fucking crazy, knowing he’s had you.” “He never really had me,” I whisper, my voice cracking as I do. “Not the way you do. And I’m s⁠—”

“Don’t you dare apologize to me for that. We didn’t know. How could we know? The only thing that matters is that you’re here with me now. We made it back to each other. And as hard as it’s going to be, we’re going to make this thing work. We’re going to give this thing a go. I’m going to tell him. I just—not yet. Not tonight.”

For the first time in a long time, I’m happy.

I didn’t realize until I stood there in the middle of it all that this is what I’d been craving. Maybe this feeling is what I’ve been moving around searching for all along.

It was only one night, but in an endless sea of nights that were only ever numb, she made me feel something.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to be loved.

“I’m never going to get enough. I can promise you that much. I’ll always be coming back to you.”

“Things are rarely as simple as they seem. I can’t explain the choices your mom made. I don’t condone them. But I won’t spend a lifetime paying for them either. She’s already taken enough from me. I want a relationship with you. That’s true. But I’m not giving up Gwen. That’s also true. I’ve spent far too long missing out on things that make me happy, and I’m not choosing between these two things. It might take time, and I know we’re going to need to have more conversations, but I just… I’m not giving her up, Tripp. I’m sorry.”

“Because

what I keep coming back to is this: I can’t live without you.”

“Don’t go, okay? I know everything here is complicated and terrifying. But don’t run this time. Please stay. We will work it all out.” I give her shoulders a squeeze, getting lost in her pale purple irises, swimming with emotion right now. “For me, just…stay.”

I pour as much of myself as I can into this one kiss, begging her to stay, begging her to wait, begging her to make it through this thing with me. Because I have a sinking suspicion that what’s on the other side of this struggle might be…everything. I just have to figure out how to keep it.

“I really like you. I like you more than I’ve ever liked a man before. I think you’re it for me, but I’m

kills me that he’s had to learn that people give up on him, that they walk away or use him as a stepping stone to the next best thing. What’s worse is that he can’t see that he is the best thing for me. The one and only.

guess you did warn me you don’t stay in one place for long.

I don’t want to say those disagreements don’t matter. It’s just that they feel a lot less important when you’re faced with the possibility of dying and leaving the man you love behind. I don’t take back what I told him, but I spent many hours wishing that I hadn’t walked out. That I’d pulled up a stool and waited him out. That I’d been brave enough to stay, that I hadn’t given in to my instinct to run.

“You’re a fucking wild card. Unpredictable and never what I expect. You scare the hell out of me every damn day. But today more than any of them. Because I thought I lost you.”

“And I love you, and I hadn’t even gotten the chance to tell you.”

“You’re my limes, Bash. I’m the tequila. You and me? We’re gonna spend the rest of our lives making margaritas, okay?”

“Adventure. Big, small. I want to go on every adventure life has to offer. With you.”