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“Fuck off, asshole!” “No, you fuck off.” “Eat shit and rot!” God, I love New York City.
Yes, you read that right…penis after chino-encased penis. To tell it to you straight, I work surrounded by a real sausage fest. And not just any sausage fest but the worst kind.
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“Why the hell would you say you have a husband?”
“No, you’re going to be the deranged one who shows up with a blow-up doll dressed in a suit, because you have no husband.”
Jaycie DiCarlo and 1 other person liked this
“Over my dead body will my friend pretend to be married to a plastic fuck hole,”
“That fuck hole is her husband.” Denise pounds her fist to the bar top, mirth written all over her face. “Don’t talk about him that way.”
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“Now there’s an option for you. Younger brother, retired at the ripe age of twenty-seven.” Denise nudges me with her elbow. “Also, beggars can’t be choosers and you, my dear, are currently a beggar.”
“That my friend needs a fake husband for a therapy session tomorrow at nine in the morning, can you fill in? He said, ‘Sounds like fun, send me the deets.’”
“Cause some chaos and leave.”
Love this advice, what could go wrong
Mika: She’s my friend, what do you think? Wilder: Slightly weird, but solid personality.
He listens to the same three playlists over and over again: the Harry Potter soundtracks, the Star Wars soundtracks, and The Best of Dolly Parton.
Slay
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“Also, if you don’t want to be late, you better set the scene for me. Are we talking about a grounded act? I’m assuming it will be in the sauce.” Her nose scrunches up. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Wilder. And you met my wife, Scottie, or Pips as I call her.”
hes quick with it, i like him
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“Anyway, that night, she became the Serial Zipper.”
Please, LOL
Yup, he’s getting my shoe. The heel right to the esophagus.
Nerds Clusters and aluminum-free deodorant. Like two peas in a pod.”
What a selling point lmfao
“He has weasel written all over him.”
“Such a good husband.” “Hey, according to the rules, we’re not saying nice things like that to each other just yet. Remember, we’re in a cold phase right now. We’re not frozen, just in our cold era.”
“And who the fuck hit you?”
in addition to the antlers and neck pillow, his shirt appears to be a crop top,
What an outift lmao
“Call me a prude, but I don’t want to sleep on the same mattress where people get tied up and stare off at zoomed-in nipples on the wall.”
“Shit, are the Brads and Chad already wearing off on me? Am I…am I turning into a douche?”
“Dear God,” I whisper. “Whatever you do, don’t drop the soap, Scottie. For the love of God, don’t drop the soap.”
LOL
So listening to her is fascinating, because the way she speaks is different from the way she presents herself. She’s slightly jaded, a little rough around the edges, has a good sense of humor, but doesn’t show it often. She’s a bit grumpy most of the time but also lighthearted when she’s excited about something…like a black eye.
She’s captivating, full of depth, and someone I want to ask a ton of questions to, because I want to get inside her brain.
I could see her clutching her proverbial pearls.
we welcome you with high fives and butt slaps.”
Nice
Consequence, huh? Wonder what that could be. Maybe a spanking from our spouse? If that’s the case, catch me being naughty on day one.
Sigh. RIP, Nerds Clusters. RIP.
“I’m not changing the subject. I’m stating facts. We’ve had a long, confusing day full of erotic toys, face-planting, basketball analogies, and unnecessary twerking. I think it’s best that we get some sleep so we’re refreshed for the morning.”
“This room is weird. The people are weird. The theme of this entire camp is weird. It feels like we’ve dipped into a seventh circle of couples’ hell on the verge of a basketball-themed orgy, and I’m just trying to keep my head afloat.”
Did you expect Sanders and Ellison to come out onstage and do what I can only describe as a terrible rendition of one of the choreographed songs from High School Musical?”
“What the fuck are you sniffing for?”
in the creepiest voice I think I’ve ever heard, a voice that will haunt me in my dreams until the day I die, she says, “Come out, come out wherever you are. We’re ready to play with
“No, instead, you go right to trying to beat someone with a ten-pound dildo.”
“Wait, use this,” she says, holding the dildo out to me. “No.”
“I’m serious,” she says, stopping me from opening the drawer. “You might need to bludgeon something to death, whatever it is.” “I’m not going to bludgeon whatever is inside. Jesus.”
“Because you’re acting like a numbskull,”
“You know, your sarcasm is tiresome.”
“Holy shit, did you just make a joke?”
“So when you asked me to pick you up pads with wings, did I not deliver?” My face falls flat. “You came back with pads…and buffalo wings.”
“You’ve asked to insert my tampon,” I deadpan. He throws his hands up in the air. “I was curious. It was for science!”
Wilder lets out an ear-splitting scream and then falls to the ground and shimmies under the coffee table. “You devil woman.”
The basis of our marriage problems revolves around pierced nipples, Wilder. Pierced nipples!”
I hate that she’s hurting.
“I’m sorry, Scottie, but I’m going to cut off whatever you’re about to say, because I’m telling you right now, I’m not going to agree with it.” I turn toward her and say, “You don’t need to put on a brave face for me. You don’t need to act like everything is okay. You don’t need to act like you don’t have feelings or emotions. Hell, you don’t need to cry by yourself. I’m here for you. Do you understand that? For you, Scottie. No one else. I’m at this camp, in this cabin, for you. I’m here for no other reason. So you can try to act like this is all business, but I refuse to let you go through
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*snaps* i love this man
“Gives me an extra seven days to shower with the fleshy poker. I call that a good fucking time.”
“Then maybe it’s time you stop trying to save face and start living without a care. Throw caution to the wind. Do things you may never have done before…like attend a marriage camp with someone you only met a few days ago.”
A smile tugs at my lips. “Pips, you’ve come to the right place.”
