Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel

by Sara Farizan

I wish there was a manual on how to come out and what a young gay person is supposed to do.

wish I had gaydar. I wish it were something you could pick up in a store.

“Look at how pretty you are!” Mom exclaims. “You should straighten your hair all the time!” Well, I guess that’s one thing I can straighten about myself.

I’m always trying to make the pieces fit.

I’m not heterophobic or anything. I just wish I didn’t have to watch them express their lust for each other all the time.

I don’t want to seem needy, clingy, or insecure—even though I am.

Double standards. High school breeds them.

When you were a kid, don’t you remember just having full days when you were absolutely elated? Like when you can’t wait for your birthday because you’re so excited or you read a book you love and want to share it with everyone. Adults lose that. They have moments of happiness, maybe. Don’t you see how they are? They judge, they get angry, they worry; they want things before time runs out but never go after them. I don’t want to be like that.”

I am terrified that she will tell someone about me and rob me of my privacy and my choice to tell or not tell my friends and family this fact of who I am. My anxiety grows as I imagine every scenario in which she could hurt me.

“You’re my daughter. I am never going to hate you. I might be angry with you, or disappointed, but I will love you until I don’t have any breath left. You understand that?”

How do people work up the courage to be themselves even if it means facing rejection from people who love them? Why don’t people get medals for this?

it’s clear she knows she can’t catch the gay.

I don’t want to feel guilty or worried about who I am anymore.