Yes Please

by Amy Poehler

Even I have lied about writing. I have told people that writing this book has been like brushing away dirt from a fossil. What a load of shit. It has been like hacking away at a freezer with a screwdriver.

My dear friend and Parks and Recreation cast-mate Nick Offerman had the nerve to start and publish his book Paddle Your Own Canoe in less time than it took me to write this preface. I congratulated him when he presented it to me and then immediately threw it in the garbage.

But mostly, let’s call this book what it really is: an obvious money grab to support my notorious online shopping addiction.

You may even have days or years when you think the demon is gone. But it is not. It is sitting very quietly, waiting for you. This motherfucker is patient.

I used to have a terrific flat stomach but now it’s kind of blown out after two giant babies used it as a short-term apartment.

When you are pregnant you can get away with a lot of shit.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU.” Then I chased him as he tried to get away from me.

I witnessed Donald Trump stepping into a chicken suit.

Instead I was handed a CPAP machine, which stands for Compression Something Amy Poehler. I don’t know.

Retta, whom I barely knew, was sitting at Donna’s station pretending to be on the phone. I came over and checked out the stuff on her desk and noticed a yellow leaf pinned up on a bulletin board behind her. I asked her where it came from and she deadpanned, “Outside.”

Change is the only constant. Your ability to navigate and tolerate change and its painful uncomfortableness directly correlates to your happiness and general well-being. See what I just did there? I saved you thousands of dollars on self-help books.

He once asked me, “Are you sad that you don’t have a penis?” I told him that I was happy with the parts that I had. I then reminded him that girls have vaginas and everyone is different and each body is like a snowflake. He nodded in agreement and then looked up at me with a serious face and asked, “But did you once have a penis and break it?”

I had a friend whose seven-year-old kid Googled the word “naked” once. The first picture he saw was a woman with asparagus in her vagina and up her butt. That’s just too much to handle. How are we going to get him to eat his vegetables now?