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“Okay, well at least we know what we’re doing today.” Noah slaps his thighs with his open hands and stands up. “Get dressed boys; we’re leaving in ten.”
“Leaving to do what?” I ask.
Noah looks at me with an are you for real expression. “Leaving to go to Times Square so you can pick out the most in...
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I roll my eyes. “We...
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Elliot stands too. “Oh, yes, we are. She was nice enough to send you a gift card. You’re going to spend it and do e...
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Cooper leans over and lays a hand on my shoulder. “It doesn’t matter if you like her like that or not. She made y...
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Without any reason not to, I stand and help clean up, and then I get dressed and let my brothers take me to Times Square. Because Cooper was right. Jo did make me smile. Even if it was only once, and ev...
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Just because she’s not here anymore doesn’t mean she’s gone. Those years still mean something, even if they’re over.”
“They don’t just mean something, J. They mean everything. You loved her, and that love doesn’t just disappear. You can always talk about her with me. Or even just say her name if that’s all you feel like doing. You don’t have to hide that part of your life. From anyone, but definitely not from me.”
“I think maybe I would do anything you asked me to.” He holds eye contact with me for a second, but before I can figure out how to react to that—and to the butterflies swarming in my stomach—the waitress slides breakfast plates in front of us and the moment is broken.
But his words stick with me for a long time after breakfast is over.
She looks really fucking cute, and I can’t deny the warmth I feel when she aims that grin at me.
After wading through grief and the endless complexity of rebuilding my life on top of the wreckage of the one I lost, Jo’s smiles feel like seeing the sun for the very first time after years of darkness.
I didn’t realize how much I needed a friendship untouched by history and shared grief. I love my friends, and my family is everything to me, but our relationships are so much more complex in the wake of Allie’s death. The combination of their own grief and their concern for me makes those relationships feel heavy and sometimes fraught, even two years later. I wasn’t looking for a friend, but Jo just inserted herself right into my life, and I’m grateful for it, even if I sometimes don’t know exactly what to do with her and her enthusiasm for everything. She makes me feel normal for the first
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“Hurricane, I think you are the most fascinating person I’ve ever met.”
“For sure I’m the most chaotic.”
She might be right about being the most chaotic person I’ve ever met, but as I watch her start to gather up our trash, I realize that, for reasons I can’t quite understand, her particular brand of chaos is exactly what I need in my life right now. “I don’t know. I kind of like your chaos.”
“J, I think that might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
I put the magnifying glass in my pocket and glance down at the Fireball for a second, getting a quick flash of the last woman I used to eat Fireballs with before opening it.
“Can I ask you a question?”
I’ve noticed this is something she always says before she asks me a question that’s going to dig below my surface. Somehow, without even knowing me all that well, Jo has this uncanny ability to figure out which questions might be more sensitive, and asking me if she can ask is almost like an early warni...
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“Why do you always hesitate before you eat a Fireball? I’ve given you a bunch of them now, but you always look...
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“Sorry, I know it’s kind ...
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“J, it’s not, and you never have to apologize to me for being who you are....
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You never have to apologize to me for bei...
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Her words hit me right in the chest, and it takes me a minute to get my own words out around the bubble of emotion. “I love Fireballs, but it was Allie who introduced them to me when we first got together. They were her favorite. Anything cinnamon.” I shru...
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“Did it make you sad when I gave you one th...
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“Nah, I was just surprised. I got out of the habit of eating them after she died. I guess every time you hand me one, I think of her for a second.” I look back up at Jo and see nothing but understanding on her face. “It’s nice...
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She flashes me a grin again. “I mean, it was purely an accident and a complete coincidence that Allie and I have the same favorite candy, but if having that moment makes you happy, then...
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Hearing Jo say Allie’s name so casually makes me feel a lightness I haven’t felt in years. And for a moment, I’m filled with gratitude for her and her sunshine and light and...
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My particular brand of crazy is not for public consumption. Only the people who know me best get to see me let it all hang out. I don’t need anyone else’s opinions about who they think I should or shouldn’t be. I know who I am.”
“I think that’s my favorite thing about you.”
“You know exactly who you are, and you’re you, no matter where and no matter what.”
“You don’t think you know who you are?”
“I think I used to. But then Allie died, and at the risk of sounding totally morbid, I think the person I was died with her. I’ve mostly put myself back together, but I’m different now. I’ve made a kind of uncomfortable peace with it. Sometimes I think that all my friends, and maybe even my family to some extent, are just waiting for me to turn back into who I was before, but I’ll never be that person again. I know they’re just trying to be there for me, show me they care, but I guess a lot of the time, I wonder if who I am now is enough.”
“You are exactly enough, J, just the way you are. You had an earthquake in the middle of your life, and your entire foundation shifted. Of course you won’t be the same person you were before. You’re building a whole new life, and you’ve had to do it without the person you loved most. That’s an impossible thing, Jordan, and you’re doing it. I know I don’t know you as well as your family and the rest of your friends do, but for whatever it’s worth, I like the person you are now. I don’t want you to be anyone except for him.”
“It’s worth a lot, Jo. I think…”
“I think I’ve been waiting a long time for someone to say that to me.”
“Well, then I’m glad I was here to say it.”
“Me too, Hurricane. Really, r...
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I wrap my arm around her and notice for the first time that she smells like cupcakes, and having her leaning against me like this feels comfortable, like a tiny piece of myself I didn’t realize was missing fitting perfectly back into place.
she hands me a Fireball and leans her head on my shoulder as we sit together and watch New York wake up to greet a new day. And for the first time in a long time, I’m really, truly happy.
