The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book about Relationships

by Neil Strauss

Intimacy is sharing your reality with someone else and knowing you’re safe, and them being able to share their reality with you and also be safe.

“A healthy relationship is when two individuated adults decide to have a relationship and that becomes a third entity. They nurture the relationship and the relationship nurtures them. But they’re not overly dependent or independent: They are interdependent, which means that they take care of the majority of their needs and wants on their own, but when they can’t, they’re not afraid to ask their partner for help.” She pauses to let it all sink in, then concludes, “Only when our love for someone exceeds our need for them do we have a shot at a genuine relationship together.”

I used to think that intelligence came from books and knowledge and rational thought. But that’s not intelligence: It’s just information and interpretation. Real intelligence is when your mind and your heart connect. That’s when you see the truth so clearly and unmistakably that you don’t have to think about it. In fact, all thinking will do is lead you away from the truth and soon you’ll be back in your head, groping with a penlight in the dark again.

But I’m unable to find a single credible item in the entire canon of evolutionary and anthropological literature that supports the contention that human beings are supposed to pick one partner and then remain faithfully and exclusively with that person for life.

“There’s a concept called compersion. And that means if your partner has another lover, rather than being jealous, you’re happy for her because she’s happy.”

“In order to truly be polyamorous, you’re going to have to go through the path of uncomfortability. Just know that you’re going to experience jealousy, and know that it’s about you, not her. So allow yourself to be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to show your feelings and needs, and work through them. In the end, you’ll find that true love is wanting your partner to have whatever she wants—whether or not you approve of it.”

There’s a disparity between the masculine desire for sex, which tends to be carnal and ego based, and the feminine desire for sex, which can be more emotional and spiritual. So if swinging is for horny men, then this scene is for sensual women. Orgies are for ethical sluts; pujas are for goddesses. Same destination, different ritual. I

I remember watching the documentary Anatomy of Sex. It explains that when the penis is limp, that’s when it’s actually tense. The muscles are constricted. When it gets aroused, the penis relaxes. And this allows blood to enter, which expands the spongy tissue and creates the erection. So you need to be relaxed to get hard. You can’t get hard when you’re tense. And I’m tense, because I finally found someone open-minded who I can see myself dating—and she’s taken.

trust. Perhaps the reason friendships tend to last longer than relationships is that most of them don’t come with rigid rules and exclusivity clauses.

Perhaps swinging is the fountain of youth: a formula for escaping the monotony of growing older together and the loss of sexuality that comes with work, parenting, familiarity, and increasing responsibilities. Because despite the odds, after years together, these couples seem to have all three of Helen Fisher’s drives—for sex, romantic love, and deep attachment—still running strong with each other.

Just as women are trained by the media and society to look for their Prince Charming, men are conditioned to look for their nasty slut. Not for a marriage, but just for an adventure. Both are fairy tales, but a Prince Charming is nearly impossible to find, because it’s a lifetime illusion to sustain. It takes only a few minutes to play the role of nasty slut.

A piece of relationship advice Lorraine taught in rehab rings ominously in my head: “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”

Adam, and most people, seem to believe that if a relationship doesn’t last until death, it’s a failure. But the only relationship that’s truly a failure is one that lasts longer than it should. The success of a relationship should be measured by its depth, not by its length.

“The best way to have strange ass is to be sure the primary woman you’re with is totally gratified and you have her agreement. She has to feel she has a surplus of you.”

“Deepak Chopra says that if you want to stop smoking, you have to change the way in which you smoke. In other words, if you smoke with coffee or after sex, stop smoking with coffee or after sex. Then, when you smoke at other times, really feel all the sensations in your body. And you’ll see it for what it really is: putting poison in your lungs.”

“The obvious clinical facts demonstrate that men—and women—who devote their lives to unrestricted sexual satisfaction do not attain happiness, and very often suffer from severe neurotic conflicts or symptoms. The complete satisfaction of all instinctual needs is not only not a basis for happiness, it does not even guarantee sanity.” —Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving