The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book about Relationships

by Neil Strauss

as the testosterone therapy kicked in, she suddenly understood men,

The avoidant gives and gives, sacrificing his own needs, but it’s never enough for the love addict.

One of the biggest indicators of enmeshment, according to Lorraine, is when a mother tells her children that she lives only for them.

At least you can get those needs met by having emotional connections with family and friends outside your relationship.

In life, whoever has the strongest reality wins. Lose your moral certainty and lose the ground you stand on.

Trust is a chain that gets longer the less you pull on it.

The modern automobile was clearly designed by monogamists.

A great lesson this taught me was that if we place ourselves in our heart to make choices in new situations, we can’t make any mistakes.

I have a need to feel needed, even if I don’t actually like it.

This is the dance of two love avoidants: Let me tear your wall down so I can build my own in its place.

Life is a test and you pass if you can be true to yourself. To get the first question correct, all you have to know is who you are. A life is just one letter away from a lie.

“Each of you had a mother who was unhappy and who you could not help. And that has been the starting point for your three very different journeys away from intimacy and connection.”

Even when we see the truth, trauma still prevents us from reaching it, like a rockslide blocking the road to our future.

The only way to fix a tower with a faulty base is to knock it down and rebuild it over a stronger foundation.

‘You worked on the farm because you felt like you should; your brother came back to work on the farm out of choice. And that is the more meaningful of the two.’” She pauses and lets it sink in for all of us. “Love is something about a person, some connection with them, that makes you willing to change.”

Only after you’ve learned how to be alone without loneliness will you be ready for a relationship.”

You can’t have a relationship with someone hoping they’ll change. You have to be willing to commit to them as they are, with no expectations.

They say that love is blind, but it’s trauma that’s blind. Love sees what is.

No one can make you feel anything and you don’t make anyone feel a certain way. So don’t take on responsibility for your partner’s feelings and don’t blame your partner for yours. The most caring thing to do when they’re upset is simply to ask if they want you to listen, to give advice, to give them space, or to give them loving touch.