November Rain (Rain, #1)

by T.J. West

was deeply in love. My first true love at 16 years old was with a boy who had swept me off my feet and became my entire life. Matt Cooper was a senior in high school and would be graduating and leaving me to go into the Air Force. He didn't want to leave me - he didn't have a choice. It was either, “Be on your own with no money, no help from me, or make a life in the family business,” as his father put it. He was 18 and could not say no to his father, so he made the choice, he had to leave me. Matt was my everything. He filled my world and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. We knew each other for a couple months before we became involved. We met during the first week of high school registration. I was on the student council, helping with the school tours and Matt was in my group. I felt a connection with him that first day. He told me he had just moved from Fairfield, California with his family and that his father was in the Air Force, which led them to Tampa Bay, Florida. In addition, he had three older brothers who were already in the service. I, on the other hand, was an only child. My parents were into real estate. They had one of the most successful real estate businesses in our city.

I knew he loved me too, because he told me. I remember the day I said it back to him; tears were falling down my cheeks when I repeated those three lovely words, “I love you,” under our tree, with the stars twinkling bright, holding each other.

the night before Matt left we finally made love for the very first time, under our tree. The first time feeling each other completely, we got lost in each other’s bodies. He was so gentle, so loving, that the moment he entered me it barely hurt at all. It was a magical night. I just couldn't believe he was going away, leaving me and all the memories we created underneath our tree. I was heartbroken. I’ll never forget the gift Matt had given me that night. It was this gorgeous sterling silver necklace, with a tree engraved on a round silver coin - the most beautiful piece of jewelry I had ever seen. I wore that necklace every single day, wishing he’d come back to me. I loved him so much it was devastating for me to be without him. I wanted him back. Unfortunately through dozens of letters that I mailed him, I never received one in return. I literally thought

My Father was a big time General. He refused to let me live my life outside the Air Force. I knew I had no other option, but to do what he wanted for me. I really felt like my life ended that day, I lost myself and my dreams. All I ever wanted to do was handcraft guitars and become a musician. I loved the feel of my fingers on the strings of my guitar and how I could get lost in the music. However my dad couldn't understand my dreams and my love for music. He said it wasn’t realistic; a farce. He pretty much gutted me, tore me away from something I was so passionate about. I was the black sheep in the family. All my brothers were in the service so he expected the same out of me. Did I hate my dad for pushing me into this? For making me leave my girl? For not supporting my dreams? Yes, at the time I hated him, I was pissed for many years and the resentment toward him was tough to get over.

I tried so hard to get her out of my mind, I thought by not writing her back it would make things easier on me, easier on her. She needed to let me go. Still, the letters kept coming and the torture of hurting her continued. Every single time I read her letters I could feel her weeping. I destroyed her world and her spirit. What an asshole I was. Slowly over time the letters stopped coming. I was devastated, but I screwed things up on my own. I had to move on and try to erase her from my mind. Man, who the fuck was I kidding? I

Four years into the Air Force I was taken into deep action. After 9/11 happened, I was sent overseas for a year. There were many close calls, so many times I was almost killed, it was terrifying. I witnessed many deaths, those I called brothers/sisters. Those were the darkest days of my life and I still mourn them every single day. Yet I would never change my experience. I'm a better man because of it. I don't take my life or others for granted anymore. I still wear my dog tags, just so I can remember who I was, and who was left behind. I left the Air Force after ten years. I felt I had put myself out there as long as I could. Unlike me, my three brothers are still in the service. They are all married with kids, living in different parts of the country and still enjoy serving their country. I decided to stay in San Diego where I was stationed last. I love the city, the ocean and the weather. It's the perfect place. It took ten years to save enough money to open my hand crafted guitar shop. It’s a surreal feeling because I’ve wanted this for so long and I’m now finally living my dream. Although my father and I butted heads for so many years, I forgave him for pushing me to follow his dreams. I’ll never forget what he put me through, but in the end he actually accepted me for who I am. I was a grown

he passed away of a heart attack the year I retired. However just knowing he was proud of me, before he died, was a gift, and I wish we had had more time together. I wish he had seen how my life turned out. I would like to think he would have been happy with my new life. If it weren’t for him I wouldn't be where I am today, but because of him I never found out what it would have been like if I stayed with Marty. Over the last five years in San Diego I've had my fair share of many beautiful women. There were a couple women I thought I could settle down with, but the timing was never right, or maybe they weren't Marty. I have always hoped I could find that one special woman, someone just like her, but it hasn't happened yet. I tried looking Marty up on Facebook. She did not have a page, but friends from high school said she had gotten married and was living in Europe. I was disappointed to say the least and gave up my search. Five years later with a successful business you would think I had everything I ever wanted; good money, women, sex, a nice beach house, being a bachelor. You'd think I was living every man's fantasy, but fantasies are just that: fantasies. Don't get me wrong I love my life - hell, I paid a lot for it and wouldn't trade it for anything, yet there is this hole that is empty. Who knows when I will ever feel complete?

with

I

Matt “Guys! I'm ready to close shop now,” I call out. Limbo Guitars is on the 101 highway strip in Del Mar. The location is busy and down right cool with lots of great shops all around the area. My favorite thing about the shop is my storefront window display. It has a lineup of acoustic

Chuck, is a Vietnam War Veteran and was homeless when I met him. He came into my store one day, browsing and we started talking. I hired him on the spot. He told me he used to play in a band, way back in his day and was the lead guitarist. He doesn't handcraft the guitars, but he sure as hell can come up with some bitchin' designs. I have him manage the front part of the store;

heart

Reds is our hangout across the street, with live bands, happy hour food and killer beer. Every so often Chuck and I play a few tunes up on stage. He's not much on singing, but his guitar playing is no joke - he plays a mean tune. I love it up on that stage. I never wanted to be a famous musician or singer, but as long as I have my guitar and am able to play in front of an audience, that's all that matters to me. Reds is the perfect place to play.

walk out of Reds a couple women come up to me and tell me how

house.

put down my glass and find my camera bag. I hesitate before I open it, scared shitless of opening up my past. I need to do this, so I carefully open the bag, take out my camera and realize that my whole life is right here in my hands.

I see another person sitting in front of the ocean - a man with his guitar. He's wearing a dark blue hoodie sweatshirt with the hood covering his head. He starts to play, yet the lyrics get lost in the waves, I can’t hear what song he is playing, only a faint melody. Hearing

Matt I live right around the corner from the beach, so after I get home from hanging at Reds, I grab my guitar and head to the ocean. I love sitting on the sand and playing soft tunes while the sun sets. I enjoy the late nights; watching the sun going down and feeling the

me

the

Ugh! Why does everything have to remind me of my past? It's like a recurring dream.

Where in the hell did this guy come from? He bends down and kisses Amy on the cheek.“Hey, babe,” he says with a very sexy smirk. My eyes widen and Amy squeals. “Oh my goodness! Mitch! Hi!” She giggles like a little teenager. Awkward moment here… “Oh geez, excuse my manners. Marty, this is Mitch. We met the other night, here at Reds.”

I make my way to the front entrance of the store, when I see this woman rush out of Reds. Chuck is still jabbering in the background, but I tune him out. I feel like someone has put a spell on me. I can't move my eyes away from her. She looks so familiar. “It can't be,” I whisper.

I feel like I'm moving in slow motion, but I open the door, step out and keep staring. I watch her put a brown paper bag in the trunk, open the car door, back out and drive off. I just stand there. Still in my trance. My heart racing.

What the hell did I just see? Was it her? Or did I just want it to be her? Too many times I thought I had spotted her.

Her sixteen year old image won't leave my mind. I don't even know what she looks like as a grown woman. She was so beautiful back then - I can only imagine her even more beautiful today. That woman I saw just now? She looked just like Marty. While waiting for my order, I see Mitch and that girl from the other night. I think her name is Amy? Yeah, I think that's it.

Amy squeals in delight because she sees Mitch. I am just about to sit down when I recognize the man on the stage. In a matter of seconds my life has taken another volatile turn, there is no going back. My mouth drops and I suddenly feel lightheaded. This has to be some kind of joke. He's not really here, my mind is playing tricks on me. Yet, I know it is him. His smooth, deep and rich voice, it’s unlike any voice I have ever heard. His hands and fingers strum the guitar in a way you’d think he was born playing it. Plus, I know his face, I'd know it anywhere.

heart

eyes

down.

God...Matt?”

walks

my

know?”

or

He

he has a strong grip on my waist. “Marty, please, I just want to talk. I want to know about your life, I want you to know about mine,” he begs softly.

I rummage through my closet and grab my box of old photos I’ve saved over the years. I reach for the picture of me and Marty. We were at the beach, cuddling, smiling and very young. Looking at her beautiful, soft features and radiant smile I knew, without a doubt, she was the love of my life.

She's back in my life and there is no way in hell I’m going to let

box.

I should be happy that Matt is back in my life again, right? But why does it hurt so much? Why, after all these years does he appear as if nothing had changed? Why does my heart feel so much love for him, yet at the same time feel such betrayal? Doesn't he know the pain he caused me, what he meant to me? Didn't he see in my eyes how much I was hurting?

my heart, which was once broken, was terrified. What is holding me back? I can't trust him again. How can I? After he left me and never responded to any of my letters? He never gave me any hope of returning. For so long I thought he had died or something. His parents didn't like me, so of course they wouldn't tell me if he came back, or if he was killed. I had no idea how to move on, I was paralyzed, unable to love. My parents didn't know how to help me either. I became empty. I mechanically moved through the motions of life; I talked, laughed and smiled, yet I didn't feel any of those emotions. I was void of life, I might as well have been dead. Nothing more than a ghost, a shell.

“I

“I fucked up, Marty….what I put you through is something I’ll never forgive myself for,” he admits. His voice is full of deep regret, I can hear it, see it and feel it. His eyes are brimming with remorse; it’s almost as if he’s going to cry as the emotions overtake him . “....but I knew, once I got into the service, my father would cut all ties that had anything to do with you and me. He had control over everything. He knew what was coming in and what was going out. He wanted us to be over, so I had to make myself think it was okay not writing back. I had to try to erase any feelings that I felt for you. I know it's a lame ass excuse and I'm not trying to give you any, but it's the truth,” he quickly scoots his way a little more closer to me; I feel the sweat forming on my back, the nearness of him is stirring my attraction more and more. “You have no idea how controlling my father was. He knew people, Marty. He knew things, things I still don't understand today. I wanted you to forget me because I knew he wasn't going to allow us to be together….in or out of the service.”

I want to be happy. I want my memories of the last ten years - at least the last two years - to disappear. The memories are still too fresh. I wonder how long it will take for the hurting to go away?

So...what about your ex-husband? How did you meet him?”

“I'm not in the mood to talk about him.” She quickly changes the subject. “I want to know about these.” She lightly moves her finger over my shoulder. “Tell me about your tattoos.” I go along with her ditching the past, but hopefully in time she will not hold back on me. I

with Matt. He says he's never leaving me and he's there for me, he is saying all the right things and I should be on cloud nine right now, however I'm not. I love that he wants to help me, but he can't.

He can't take away what happened to me, therefore I don't know how to let him in. How do I tell him? He already blames himself for my depression; I don't want him to feel responsible any longer. My life turned out the way it did because I chose that path. I chose to marry someone who practically gambled my life away. Matt didn't choose that for me. When or if I tell him, I know he's going to go down that road and blame himself.

He wants to know about Xaiver. My God, I hate bringing him up. I hate my past. I hate what he did to me. I hate anything to do with the Bellefleur name. Will I lose Matt if I don't say anything?