Never Go Back

by Henry Cloud

“Never go back.” Never return to what didn’t work. What does that mean? I came to see that the essence of it is this: There are certain awakenings that people have—in life and in business—that once they have them, they never go back to the old way of doing things. And when that happens, they are never the same. In short, they got it.

But here is the real truth when it comes to redemption versus going backward: if redemption is to occur, something must be different. A second chance is not a repeat of the first chance. A second chance is a moving forward to something new. There must be something new and different in order to move forward rather than backward. If everything’s the same, you are repeating what already has been, and there is no reason to think the outcome will be different.

Hoping that we or someone else will change or that a situation will be different is not reality. There must be a real reason to believe and try again.

As I said in my book Necessary Endings, hope without realistic reasons to believe is not hope at all. It is only a “wish.” God gives us a solid way to tell the difference between a hope and a wish. It is called “fruit.” When a tree gets healthy, you can see the blossoms and the fruit that prove it has life in it. When a person or a situation has truly changed and is worthy of our investment, we will be able to see tangible reasons to believe.

Just because someone is sorry does not mean they have changed. It may mean they want to be different, but you must be able to see tangible fruit to know the change is real. Forgive people freely for the past; but in order to trust them for the future, you need to see tangible changes.

If you have to be someone else in order to do something, don’t do it.

I can’t get someone to do something they don’t choose to do—either because they can’t or because they don’t desire to do it.

Sometimes clear consequences are the only thing that will cause someone to make a choice—whether it’s the choice we want or not. But we can’t control whether they make a choice or what choice they make. We can only be the best we can, offer them the best we have, and then allow them to choose.

Consequences are about giving the person the freedom to choose what they will choose, and then our choosing what our response will be in light of their choice.

When you realize that you cannot force someone into doing something, you give him or her freedom and allow them to experience it. In doing so, you find your own freedom as well.

As vernacular wisdom says: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. How happy the people are who avoid frustration by not trying to get a horse to drink water when it has no thirst or doesn’t like water. Show people the water. Show them how cool and refreshing it is. When they are dehydrated, tell them that water would help them. Tell them how much you would enjoy drinking water together. Show them what it has done for you. Burp loudly. But realize that you can’t make them drink. That is something they will do only when and if they want to. Remember . . . they are free to choose. “Never go back” to thinking you can force someone into anything. Repent from trying to control others. You will be glad you did.

When we accept that every decision divides, we quit trying to do the impossible, i.e., pleasing everyone, and we begin making the right choices, knowing that our choices will divide.

The people who are hardest to please are often the most self-centered and are only happy when you do what is good for them—and that usually is not good for the whole.

I came to the very important realization that sometimes you can’t do what others want you to do. You have to march to a different drummer—the purpose that God has for you. You have to do the right thing, even when you might not please everyone else.

Remember, whoever you are trying to please is accountable for his own life, and you are accountable for yours. Whenever you live for someone else, he controls two lives, his and yours. Yet we are the ones who will answer for the life that is truly ours—the only one God gives us. Staying mindful of that makes you a partner with God, instead of with the people who want to control you. Living to please God will bring you to the best version of yourself, the one he created you to be. It is not about being “judged” or condemned by God, but about choosing the best possible master in all the universe. Please him and live the best life possible for you. Otherwise, you might have to watch it as a movie of what you chose not to live while you were pleasing someone else.

I will never go back to avoiding something I know I need to do just because it is going to be painful.

The Bible gives an amazing picture of seeing the bigger view. When the apostle Paul went through severe persecution—much worse than a financial crash or a bad golf game—he said: We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. —2 Corinthians 4:8–9, HCSB

I owe it to myself, and am obligated to myself, to pay attention in a proper way through a certain necessary crucial time, to carefully work to find out if what I think I am getting is actually what I am getting.

I was leading a group one day when a woman exclaimed, “Okay! I get it! I have had nine abusive husbands, and I am not going to get another one!” Another woman spoke up and said, “No you haven’t. You’ve had one abusive husband with nine different names. You always pick the same man, over and over again.” Ouch. Sometimes the truth hurts. In all of these marriages, she was the common denominator. She was able to find a certain type, with certain behaviors, and choose that man above all others. The lesson: She was playing a part in where she was.

Even when a situation is someone else’s fault, we sometimes play a part in it. At the very least, we may be failing to confront an individual and set boundaries. When that happens, we enable the problem to continue, and we must ask ourselves, what is my part in this?

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. —James 1:2–5, NIV

In a sense, this entire awakening or realization, this entire “repentance” is summed up in this passage. It is the need to “never go back” to seeing ourselves only as a “poor me victim in a bad situation,” but to ask ourselves, What do I need to learn from this, and how can this situation be used to make me more “complete,” so I am not lacking in anything? How can I use it to be wiser and not allow people to do this again, or not repeat the mistakes that are causing this pattern?

Yes, seek great things on the outside. As my father used to say, “Son, money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a big red Cadillac to go look for it in.” If you have your heart set on an external goal like a job or a dream home, I hope you get it! But, make no mistake: It will not make you happy if you are not happy and fulfilled on the inside. Seek God, his kingdom, and his ways first. If you do, the outside will take care of itself.

We’re fortunate when we have people in our lives who care enough about us to tell us what they see, even if it’s unpleasant—kind of like someone waking us up and telling us that we are late getting somewhere.

My Life in Five Short Chapters Chapter One: I went out for a walk, and I fell into a deep, dark hole. It took me a long time to get out. Chapter Two: I went out for a walk, and I fell into the same deep, dark hole. It took me a long time to get out. Chapter Three: I went out for a walk, and I came across the same deep, dark hole. I walked up to it slowly, got very close to it, looked inside the hole . . . and I fell in again. It took me a long time to get out. Chapter Four: I went out for a walk, and I came across the same deep, dark hole. This time as I approached it, I decided to not get too close, and I walked around it. Chapter Five: I went out for a walk. This time I went down a different street. So true. Sometimes it takes a while for us to “get it.” We are on autopilot, and we repeat patterns in our lives without even knowing that our pattern is what is creating our problems. We just know that we are in a hole and that it takes us a long time to get out. I often say, “We don’t need new ways to fail. The old ones are working just fine.” It is our patterns that do us in.