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if the day is bad, you have to dress better to hide it.
I want him to say he’s sorry for everything, sorry that he’s played with my emotions, sorry that he’s such an ass, that he leaves me alone at home for days without a single phone call, sorry that he’s made me into a person I don’t even recognize, that he’s eroded my self-confidence, sorry that he exists in my life!
I love him, yes. I’m in love with him, no question about it, but it’s a problem when I’m questioning whether I love him more than myself, and if he loves me at all.
When things started going wrong, I hated my desire to be near him. I resented my longing for the touch of someone who didn’t seem to need mine, so I pulled back.
that’s what falling in love is about. You take a chance. Sometimes you fall on your ass, or, in my situation, it kicks you in the ass. But rarely do you get something amazing. You can’t hold back, or keep your guard up. Don’t run from it, or you’ll miss something special.” She rubs my hand, and I hold it. “What about when you lose it?” I ask. “That’s the risk you take, but it’s worth it,”
I wonder why people take a chance on falling in love. If I could go back through time, would I change the things I’ve done?
“I don’t care about the fucking money! I never cared about any of this—the trips, this house—I never needed this! All I wanted . . .” I’m screaming now. “All I ever wanted was you. Can’t you see that?”
If it’s this easy for him, he doesn’t deserve a measure of what I’m feeling right now. He doesn’t deserve to know how much I love him.
I don’t want to be made love to—that’s over. I can’t let him in that place,
“I sleep so I won’t have to think about him being gone. I miss him, and I want him back. As screwed up as our relationship was, I want him back. I love him.”
“I know how much he put you through—even when you’re smiling, there’s sadness in your eyes.
It was like I meant absolutely nothing to him. And what tears me up inside . . . about the way he acted . . . he did it so well . . .
Where do you start with someone who you’ve known for what seems like forever who, in fact, you don’t know at all?
would smile at me, without being condescending, manipulative, or arrogant—those rare moments when he’d truly smile.
IT’S FUNNY HOW one day can change the whole course of your life. Not even a day really, just a few seconds. The moment you find out you’re having a child or the day you receive a bad medical report. Those life-altering moments when you know your life will never again be how it was before those few seconds happened.
I’m so tired of feeling like this. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. To fall in love and wrap my life around a man who doesn’t even exist,
I can’t rest in memories, in false hope. I have to let go. I have to let him go and believe that the future can take the place of my past.
when do I feel “fixed”? When will I be able to get over all that has happened? When do I start to feel a little less numb than I did the day before? Because now, the same hole within me just seems to be getting deeper,
Was there some secret hidden behind his eyes that I failed to unlock? I replay every conversation we had, trying to think. Was there something I missed? Did he ever try to tell me? Was there anything I ignored which would have prevented me from being here? In the end, I realize I’m surrounded by the past, by lies, by a ghost of a person who never really existed.
