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The trouble with being alone was that it often happened when I was with people, right in the thick of things. I was here, I was part of something—but I also wasn’t.
I didn’t have to pretend to be a functional human with her. I was all right because I had to be all right. Because it was frowned upon to be an unwashed hermit who ate dry cereal by the handful and watched rom-coms only to sob-scream “Lies!” at the happy endings.
“What am I supposed to do? Wait for my future husband to appear on the fire escape outside my kitchen window? I want to stop, but what is that going to get me? I know it’s not cool to say it because I’m supposed to love my independence and not need anyone to complete my life—and don’t even get me started on my parents and their marriages—but I want to be married, I want to be settled, and I want to stop feeling like I’m living in the in-between. I want to stop looking for someone to love me.” When I was finished heaving my sob story into his lap, he met my eyes with a dark, even gaze and said,
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“I guess it’s nice to know I’m not at the bottom of your list or something depressing like that.” He met my eyes. “You’re the list, Em. You’re it.”
“Ryan Ralston has a heart,” he said. “I haven’t seen it until now because you left it with her.”
“How do you know her again?” Stella asked. I watched Emme help the karate-kicker tuck a disaster of papers in his desk. When she was finished, she gave me a nod. I felt my lips turning up into a smile. The obvious answer was from back home, from high school, from ninth-grade biology, from listening to music in her car during lunch all of senior year so I didn’t have to talk to anyone. But I heard myself say, “She’s my favorite thing in the world.”
“Am I allowed to touch you?” “Of course,” she said. “Like you’re my wife?”
So, when I found myself staring into the eyes of the only woman I’d ever loved, I knew it wouldn’t feel like work at all.
“I’m going to spend a little over sixty million on these teams when the ink is dry,” he said, the words low and husky. “That’s less than what I earn in a year before postseason bonuses, before endorsements.” He released my hair and let his fingers trail down my bare arm to circle my wrist. “Buy all the books you want, wife.”
“Don’t invent bad solutions to things that aren’t problems.
“I don’t have any virtue so there’s nothing to protect.” I babbled when I was overtired, overstimulated, and underfed, so I went on. “I’m the opposite of virtue. Whatever virtue is these days, I’m not it.
My therapist liked to say big emotions took up space inside us, and while I’d rejected that theory for longer than necessary, I knew now that my grief lived under my breastbone. I felt it swell every August as the memories of his final days crowded around me and again every time Mom and Gramma CeCe lobbied for me to come home for the holidays. Things were better when I kept my distance.
it was okay to have huge, uncomfortable feelings.
“But I don’t want to talk about it right now. My feelings are too messy.” “I don’t care. Be messy.”
“It just hurts, you know?” “I do.” I heard the water shut off. “It sucks when people leave, even if they leave for valid reasons.”
“Ryan, do you take Emmeline to be your—” “I do.” He brought his free hand to the bouquet, lacing his fingers with mine as I laughed. A grin started at the corner of his mouth and it unfurled into a wide smile that had my heart pounding in my chest and a few overwhelmed tears fogging my eyes. After all these years, I was marrying this sweet, broody boy. “Yes to all of it. Everything. I do.”
Notice me. Notice this. The way I always noticed you. The way I’ll never stop noticing.
“It’s hard,” she said softly. “Always having to be strong. It’s exhausting.” “Yeah. I know all about that.” I dropped a line of light kisses across her cheek. “But I’ll block the hits for you now. It’s your turn to take it easy. You can rest.”
“The best revenge is forgetting all about him. Can you do that for me?”
“Will you stay with me?” She pulled my arm across her torso, tucked her backside into my lap, and nestled up into me until she found the perfect spot. And all I could say was, “Always.”
“Let me help you,” he said, his voice low. “I know how serious you are about getting that orgasm a day. You missed it this morning and the government took your toy so, fuck it. Use me.” “Ex…cuse me?” “Use me,” he repeated, finally dragging his eyes up to my face. No, to my mouth. “It’s worked well for you before. Do it again.” “Wh-what does that mean?” His hand dropped to my waist, pulled me close. “I don’t think you need an explanation but I’ll talk you through every inch if that’s what you want.” “But what about—you know—we should talk about—” “You know what you need and it’s not some
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“If you hate it, we can change it. I had backup plans if that didn’t—” “It’s amazing.” I brought both hands to his face, cupping his jaw. “I can’t believe you did that.” He pulled an irritable scowl. “Why not? You should expect me to follow through. Expect me to have decent plans when I commit to something. It’s the barest fucking minimum.” “Your minimum might be a little higher than everyone else’s.” “Get used to it either way.”
“And the only alternative is leaving your job?” “Only one I can find.” “I take it you don’t want to do that?” he asked. “Not especially. I’m aware that I complain about my job a lot and this year has tested me in ways I don’t care to repeat. It’s left me questioning everything about the education system and wondering if I have what it takes to do this for the long haul. But looking for a new job would suck. Also, I love second grade and everyone at this school, even if Grace is abandoning me for suburbia.”
“You break my heart every time you say that.”
I wanted to make it clear that you’re not leverage, you’re not a chess piece to move around the board. You’re my best friend and my partner, and as long as I live, I’ll never again make you feel like you’re anything less than my equal.”
