For Whom the Belle Tolls

by Jaysea Lynn

She didn’t want to go, but she didn’t want to linger in the prison of her failing body either.

What fucking bullshit. She hadn’t managed to grow old at least once? Unacceptable.

Siedah smiled before answering. “Your options are as varied as the beliefs of humanity. There are a few, shall we say, umbrella beliefs—Christianity for example, with all of its different denominations and offshoots and adaptations. There isn’t a dedicated Judgment system and Afterlife for each, but there is a generalized process based on the core, essential values outlined by the Universe and in the case of that belief, God. This keeps things like cults from gaining legitimacy for their corrupt values and actions.”

“There is also Universal Judgment, which is based on no specific faith or creed, but leads to the same basic results as anything else. The realm of Paradise doesn’t have any particular faith attached to it, and souls who reside there have their own unique Paradise.” Siedah paused, smiling softly. “It’s easier to see it than to have it explained, but does that make sense so far?”

“After passing through Judgment, souls who have been judged well will go to the ‘paradise realm’ of their preference. Using the example of Islam, this would be the levels of Jannah. For Christianity, it would be Heaven, and so on. That is, unless the soul prefers otherwise. These souls are free to move about the Afterlife and its many realms as they wish, within the bounds of respect and courtesy, of course.

“The Void, which is a final option for all, regardless of how they are judged.” A thread of sadness entered Siedah’s tone. “The Void is where souls go to stop existing, as much as they are able. Often those who choose the Void are souls who have lived hundreds of lives, or souls who have lived many hard lives and find themselves tired in the way that only souls can be. Sometimes souls who have lived perfectly normal lives choose to go there, because it’s their peace. Some atheists choose to go there because that is what they believed in. If you are judged favorably, you can go there temporarily; some find comfort in not being for a short while. That’s the only place in the Afterlife that you cannot visit someone. Contact between the other Universes is exceptionally rare, but they are off-limits as well, unless you are an ambassador to one.”

Siedah’s smile grew sad. “Souls who are judged unfavorably can make a limited choice. They are given a handful of options of so-called punishment realms to choose from. If they refuse to choose in an attempt to avoid consequences, they will be sent to Hell. Much like Paradise, its existence predates all religions and myths. It has long served as the faith-neutral realm of justice.”

She set Lily’s soul file on the desk and clasped her hands on top of it. “So, there technically is a choice, but there is no way to escape consequences. Full freedom of choice is reserved for souls who won’t abuse that power.”

If I’d known demons looked like that, I wouldn’t have had such an irrational fear of letting my foot hang over the edge of the bed. Hell, I might’ve done it on purpose.

Trying to live. Trying to die, once. Trying to be kinder. Trying to be worse. Trying to make an impact. Trying to not make things worse. Trying to love better. Trying to heal. Trying.

“Level Nine doesn’t fuck around, huh?” “No.” The demon shuddered slightly. “They don’t.”

“All due respect, I don’t think there is anything ‘just’ about you. Few mortals venture down here of their own free will, let alone offer to help us at the gate. For that, you have all of our thanks.”

Going to Hell. Going to Hell. Going to Hell. Joke’s on you, I did it and rather enjoyed myself.

It was busy, but not packed; demons of all heights, colors, and professions gathered together in a dull roar of conversation and laughter over music. It was a veritable forest of horns, some twisted, some perfectly straight, some forked, some broken, some with elaborate adornment, some plain. The odd set of wings stood out here and there, leathery and bat-like, tipped with a spike at the apex. No one wore particularly bright colors, but there certainly wasn’t an absence of colorful clothing. In addition to the apparently very popular black and gray attire that made her feel right at home, a rainbow of jewel tones and deep shades tantalized the eye.

Dialen’s smile turned feline, and her voice grew sultry, her eyes tracing a slow path down Lily’s body, then back up. “I’ll bet you do, kitten.”

Aha, that was the issue at hand. She didn’t want a distraction or some kind of erotic emotional Band-Aid, however pleasurable. She wanted it to matter.

“Drink up, Ms. Lily, it’s okay to be celebrated sometimes.”

MortalTube that she clicked on and almost immediately exited out of. Livestreams of mortal events, of political debates, of concerts, of people. A banner at the top of the page gave the caveat: All livestreams are censored for modesty and are not available at all times. One nausea-inducing search bar had been specifically to find loved ones left behind.

Nine bees made their way to Mordor. It was the Fellowship of the Sting. Did you hear that Godzilla destroyed a cheese factory? De-brie was everywhere.

She’d shaken Persephone’s hand. That hand had probably shaken Hades’s cock at some point—

Persephone laughed so loudly that a few people turned to look. “Perhaps I’ll make it a private title. After all, there’s only one worshipper I want kneeling at that particular altar.” She turned to speak to the barista as they stepped up to the counter. “A medium lavender vanilla iced latte and a regular mocha, please, and two morning buns.”

Beauty feeds the soul, my sweet boy. It takes many forms, some of them obvious, like a flower in bloom or the laughter of a child, but sometimes it is hidden, though it is never absent. Find beauty.

“I had a meeting with your mother this morning, a video conference with Heaven, and I’m working on some preparation for the big meeting later. But that’s not why I’m here.” Lucifer smiled innocently. “I wondered if you would be able to run an errand for me?”

“Yeah, I asked in a bunch of group chats, and people are starting to respond. Cthulhu says ‘Sharks are delicious treats, if a bit crunchy.’ Not helpful, but I appreciate the effort.”

Seeing herself as unimportant was safe. Unimportance was safe, being a disappointment was safe. There were no expectations, no standards, no more pedestals to fall from.

The unconditional love she’d been told to expect had had some conditions after all.

“Cancer may not be sung about in songs, or woven into a tapestry, but that does not make the heart and fight required to combat it a lesser thing.”

Things that end hurt, but they’re all the more precious because they end. Mortals’ whole lives are so short, and yet they pack so much into them. They don’t take partners and spend the whole time thinking about how much it will hurt when it ends. I want to be happy with her and with Sharkie. For however long I can.”

“I walked with him,” he choked out. “Hugged him, wished him peace, and watched him walk into the Void. He was happy, Lily, and it shattered me because… I still wanted my dad. I wanted him happy, but I also wanted him to be here. He was supposed to be here. He said I was the best thing in his life, yet I wasn’t enough to hold him here, for us to have more time. Almost everyone I know gets so much more time. I know I could have lost him to war, but that feels different, even though it shouldn’t, even though I know the Void is our eventuality. I loved him, I still love him, still miss him, but sometimes I hate him for that, even if he felt like he had to go. I got back home and told my family, told everyone, that he was gone.

Bel nodded slowly, cradling her beautiful face with both of his hands. “If you chose to stay, I wanted it to be because it was what you really, truly wanted, not out of some misplaced sense of pity or guilt. If you go, I want you to go with a clear conscience. That opinion still stands.” He ran his thumbs over the curve of her cheeks. “I will savor whatever time I get with you, and I will never ask you for more than you’re willing to give. I came into this decided about that. I’ll love and support you either way.”

“I love you. You love me. You can fuck me properly on the desk, the couch, or the fucking floor, but you’re going to do it now. You can take me to a bed properly later, okay?”

“Big,” she breathed, her body adjusting to his size. He smiled against her temple and pushed a bit deeper. “You can take it.”

“Fuck me, Beleth. We both know I can take you, so let’s see what you can give me.”

“I was just thinking that you keep redefining Paradise for me.” She smiled even wider when his eyebrows furrowed slightly. “I thought that the building I live in was my Paradise. But then I met you, then I met Sharkie, and I’ve had so many moments since then that I’ve thought put the physical location of Paradise to shame. You have no idea how many of those moments have been with you. Almost every time we’re together, you redefine what is actually Paradise to me. And right now?” She ran her fingers down the side of his rugged face, and he leaned into the touch. “Paradise,” she said quietly.

“Princess, if you knew the plans I had for you and that couch later, you’d realize how little I care for the upholstery.

“Mm, to put it very simply, there’s a friendly tail wind, very minor, very light, for close friends or family. Then there’s a deeply affectionate tail wind, mostly done with lovers or partners.” He tightened his tail’s hold on her leg a bit for emphasis. “Prolonged, intensive, often done at rest, because it’s a true twining and isn’t easy to disengage quickly. I figured that you didn’t have a tail, so I could just hold your leg a little.”

“You were in a situation in which you could not win, no matter what you did. You chose the option that would spare others from suffering needlessly. I know how much it hurt your family and friends for you to die, and that should be acknowledged. But, Lily, if you had fought, knowing that it wouldn’t have made a difference, and given false hope while draining your—and their—resources? That would have hurt them so much more. From one warrior to another, I’m proud of you.”

“She told you to pray that your future husband was a forgiving man. I’m not your husband, but I am yours, and I am not, in any way, shape, or form, forgiving about what that piece of shit did to you. You did nothing wrong; you did nothing that needs forgiving.” Something dark seeped into his expression but it wasn’t directed at her. Her resulting pulse of arousal was probably inappropriate. “But, Lily, I may need your forgiveness for what I’ll do to him when he gets to Hell. I’ll put Greg out of a job.” His promise was harsh, dripping with the threat of violence. “Though, he’ll likely be too busy with Suzanne to notice.”

“I have your brothers’ socks in my desk.” Lily pushed herself up, staring at him. “You… what?” “There’s a drawer in my desk filled with your brothers’ socks.” Bel’s cheeks stained a deeper shade of dusky purple. “You told me about the promise you made to your brothers, about stealing their socks from the Afterlife and how you felt bad that it was a lie. As an adult, I can’t go to the mortal world without causing a bunch of problems. But teenage demons sneak into the mortal world all the time. It’s like a rite of passage. So, I’ve been asking some of them to steal one of your brothers’ socks every so often. I don’t tell them why, but they bring them back to me, and I keep them in a spare drawer. You loved them so much, and I wanted you to be able to keep your promise.”

It had been incredibly freeing to talk plainly about something that she’d always had an interest in but had felt cautious being open about. Naturally, once the conversation wound down and had come to a respectable end, Lily made good on her promise to ride him again, this time with much less inhibition than she’d had in the office.

Perhaps she would forget her silent chest in time, and the yearning for gummy smiles and little hands and more children to love would fade.

She was valued and loved and safe. Wasn’t that what she’d always wanted?

Lily exchanged a grimace with Sharkie before fixing her glare on the soul. Can’t we have a single uninterrupted special moment, for fuck’s sake?

“I like hanging out with you and being sassy and funny and having fun. I like the gate demons. I like being helpful. I like the Hellp Desk. It’s really cool, it has a procedure, but also it’s not the same all the time, so it’s not boring. I like your baseball bat. Like, I really, really like your baseball bat. I want it. You know, someday.” “Tell you what,” Lily said with a smile, “that will be your internship present.” Sharkie pumped a fist in the air. “Yes! I’m gonna bedazzle it!”

“Can I call you ‘Mom’? I really want to call you Mom, because, like, you basically are, even though you didn’t grow me, but you’re helping make me into who I am, and that’s a really mom thing to do, and also you’re there for me and you love me and I love you and stuff. And I wanna call Luci ‘Papa’ and Bel ‘Dad’ too, but I wanted to ask you first because it was you and me first and that felt important,” Sharkie blurted, barely pausing for breath.

Tortured? Why the fuck would the other Universe, or whoever was in charge of their forces, torture the young of their own creatures? The answer came to him in a shrieking roar that had a layer he’d never heard to it. Grief and desperation and rage. What fought with a fierceness unmatched by any force in any known Universe? Parents protecting their children.

There was the mouth. Instead of lying horizontally, like every other fucking mouth Lily had ever seen, it split the creature’s skull from forehead to throat vertically, opening its face like a book. If that book was lined with rows of teeth similar to sharks’.

“All-knowing, all-powerful, and all-good,” Lily said in a measured, neutral tone, gripping the hilt of her sword like a lifeline in a storm. “Which one or ones are a lie?” God blinked. Lily didn’t. “If you are all-knowing without being all-powerful, then watching the humans suffer and knowing that you can’t change it is a nightmare of its own. If you are all-powerful but not all-knowing, then it’s less your fault, but honestly, I’ve been in the Afterlife long enough to know that even a cursory glance through MortalTube will show you what’s going on in the mortal world, so that excuse isn’t valid.”

She inhaled sharply. “And if you are both of those things, but not all-good, and you abandoned those who love you—the innocents who suffer in your name—then you are every bit the fucking monster I, and too many others, came to realize you might be.” The leather wrapping the sword hilt creaked in her grip, loud in the silence. “So, God. Which. One. Is. It.” “I’m sorry.” His words were soft. “Answer me!” Lily snarled, temper fraying dangerously, eyes stinging. “I’ll bet you’re sorry, but that’s not what I asked you. I was lucky. I didn’t suffer nearly as much as some people did, not at all as much as my daughter did, but I still suffered. It might not have been directly at your hand, but it was absolutely at the hands of people who claim to follow you, who have caused untold harm in your fucking name, and you weren’t there.”

“None of us are truly all-powerful, though we have incredible and inexcusable power,” God said quietly, his voice layers of tones and pitches, as if multiple people spoke in unison. “And kindness, or goodness, is a choice that is easy for us to make. I am aware of all relevant information in the mortal world and in mortal lives, like an expanded version of MortalTube, though I do not use that ability to, as some mortals call it, snoop, without cause. Like all deities, my ability to influence the mortal world is limited. More limited than religions would have you believe.”