Notes to John

by Joan Didion

He said he would assume that she read anxiety in both of us, but that something in her and my relationship made her feel mine more acutely, made her lock into mine. “People with certain neurotic patterns lock into each other in a way that people with healthy patterns don’t.

“You’re going to have to feel that out, obviously. It’s a question of what she expects you to do. Some adult children – and I think this is one of those instances – have the capacity to place their parents in virtually impossible situations. If you confront them, their unconscious mind says you never trust them, why bother,

How, I asked, do most children do this? “They grow

There is a connection, I said. I felt guilty about not engaging, not being there emotionally. Working was what I did instead of engaging. Working, as you once pointed out, was the way I had found to not be there emotionally. You had this very successful other place to go, he said. You created this place where you didn’t have to engage. You created another world. And were rewarded for it. I would guess you were finding refuge in this alternate world from the time you were a very young child.

“That’s probably the way it begins, yes. You have this totally helpless creature to protect. The ideal situation is when the mother senses the child’s growing ability – and believe me, it grows by leaps and bounds—to make his or her own decisions. Parents who themselves grew up in controlling families tend to miss these cues, or to fear them. So they extend protection beyond the point where it’s needed.”

I said I had then started thinking about where the capacity to compartmentalize came from. I said I thought it came from the basic way-west story that had been drummed into me as a child. You drop baggage, you jettison the piano and the books and your grandmother’s rosewood chest, or you don’t get to Independence Rock in time to make the Sierra before snowfall. I said I had come to see a lot of contradictions in this story, the principal one being, where were you when you got there? What did you actually have left?

“It’s about being forced to sum up. Looking at your life. Asking yourself if you’ve truly lived it. Asking yourself what you’ve really got to leave behind. This is something everybody has to face. It’s hard to face. But if you face it now, and make whatever changes you need to make, you’re going to have a shot at dying peaceful.”

“I can see that as thrilling,” he said. “Liberating. I could make a case that you walked in here and sat down and for the first time felt liberated enough to cry, tears of joy. You’d found something you thought could truly engage you, enable you to set your concerns to one side. Which is what you’ve needed to do all year. It was the clearest thing about you. You needed to work, and work in a meaningful way. It’s not selfish. It’s crucial to your own survival.”

“You’re very strong. You’ll be amazed what you can deal with if you’re doing something you want to be doing.”

There was a fear that the energy she needed to undertake this life would go into the attachment, that the attachment had in the first case and could in this case serve as a kind of way out.

“I see your point. You could be making the child dependent on the positive feedback he or she might not get. Whereas the feedback for ‘doing the right thing’ comes from within, the child can award it to him or herself.”

I’m guilty. What we have to get rid of here is the idea that anybody has to be guilty. Things happen, sometimes bad things. Nobody has to be blamed. Melanie Klein was the one who did the brilliant work on this. Most religions get into this area of absolving people of blame. Yours and mine doesn’t happen to do the best job of it, but the thought is still buried there, right in ‘Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive…’ So. When you talk about this, don’t assume guilt, and don’t let her assume it. Talk about how essentially strong she must have been, and how strong you actually are to be able to admit your mistakes. Be careful, but do talk about it, because it’s very close to the heart of the problem here.”

“That’s a strategy – setting everything else aside and going to work – that’s worked very well for you. It’s still the best way to allay anxiety known to man. Work. Better than drugs, better even than alcohol. But she doesn’t have the faith in her work that you have in yours. When she does, she’ll be for all intents and purposes cured.”

“I’m saying you can’t let yourself not be. You can’t let yourself make mistakes, be human. Having to be right is like the Midas touch. You think it would be wonderful if everything you touched turned to gold, then you find you’ve turned to gold yourself, stopped being human.”

That’s the one thing you’re most afraid of losing. You don’t understand living without control. Which is another way of saying you don’t understand not having to be right.”