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I led a man to believe I was going to marry him because I was too scared to be alone and then I dumped him unceremoniously because I ran out of the bandwidth to pretend.
“We tend to martyrize victims of police brutality. But we don’t have to be extraordinary to have value.
And he appreciated someone who understood that quiet wasn’t a symptom of something amiss, but rather a sign of comfort.
“Well, if you feel like reading about the rise of the Islamic State, that’s what I just finished,” he said. Eve laughed at first, but her face quickly contorted into concern when she realized he was serious. “I just try to know about the world.” He smiled again, this time with a more wistful tint. “I didn’t go to college, which I feel insecure about sometimes. Especially when my kid comes home with math problems that look like Greek to me. So I learn what I can.”
I like that
Another thing he’d learned about Eve: She wasn’t necessarily nice, unconcerned with that superficial layer of pleasantness that ran rampant in the South, but she was thoughtful. She was kind, actually.
Eve Ambroise: I feel like I’ve been stuck for a long time. Jamie Gallagher: What are you so scared of? Eve Ambroise: Failing. Jamie Gallagher: Can I ask why you’re fantasizing about failing when you’re smack dab in the middle of succeeding?
Awwwwmygooodness
In her lowest, loneliest moments, she yearned for the comfort of what she was accustomed to.
would think it’s a little bit of both for all of us. And not just with our parents, but for me, it’s every relationship I have. It’s that push and pull, give and take, am I getting this right? Am I accepting too little? Doing too much?”
“Do you trust me?” she eventually asked. Jamie continued to watch her. “Do you want me to?” “I don’t know.” She thoughtfully rubbed her lower lip as she confessed, “I can’t decide whether to want nothing from you, or absolutely everything.”
“I’m not ready to fall in love,” she said. “But I’m not ready to leave you either.”
“Are you implying that I’m boring?” she asked. Jamie chuckled. “I’m not. At all.” When she cocked her head in disbelief, he added, “I think you can be rigid. It’s difficult for you to move outside your comfort zone. And that’s fine.” She nodded tersely, glad to know how he felt, if nothing else. But it was ironic coming from someone who had never even left the contiguous United States. And more than that, everything about the two of them was outside her comfort zone, and that deserved some acknowledgment. But she would take the criticism on the chin.
“She would tell me she didn’t mind individuals, but she sure couldn’t stand people.” They both giggled at the anecdote.
It was just as hard being in a relationship with you. But I’m the asshole for trying to love you anyway.” “You weren’t an asshole,” Eve whispered. “I know you were good to me. You were.” She nodded as the back of her eyes began to sting with unexpected tears. “But that doesn’t mean I have to be tethered to you forever, does it?”
“I’m sorry.” He swallowed visibly, the lump in his throat making his voice hoarse. “But for so long, I’ve been so willing to accept whatever I’ve been given. Even these…little pieces of affection from you. I can’t keep doing that to myself.”
“How did you come back from such an egregious fuckup?” “Well, for starters, twenty years is a long time to hold a grudge,” Diane said pointedly. “But the simple answer is I was honest. And I know you hate it, but your dad loves me. He just…forgave me.” Jamie let out a gentle chuckle. “I don’t hate it.” “You do. And it’s okay.”
“You’re so cynical. Is that my fault?” “Probably,” Jamie said. “You ruining our family was my coming-of-age story.”
“I just know that I probably wasn’t fun to be around. If I were him, I would’ve dreaded coming home to someone who rarely expressed much beyond apathy. I didn’t see it when I was in it, but knowing what I know now, I think it’s kind of a wonder he stayed with me as long as he did.”
All the things well-rounded women are ‘supposed’ to want. Because if you just want a family, you’re simple. And if you just want to focus on your career, if you have no interest in children, you’re too severe. You have to want it all, or you’re broken. Walk that tightrope. And if you don’t get it, you’re a failure.” “Did you actually want any of it?” “It’s hard to say,” Eve answered pensively. She shook her head. “I don’t know when I decided I wanted a baby. I don’t know if it’s even a real desire. Do I want to be a mother? Would I grow tired of it, even if I love my child?” she asked,
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In her last session, Dr. Garvey mentioned that significant adversity early in life—her pregnancy and everything surrounding it—could create a vulnerability to major depression later, as it sets the nervous system to overrespond to stress.
“I don’t know. I guess…I felt I was the protector in that relationship,” she said after careful deliberation. “Not that I felt he was useless, but maybe I didn’t really trust Leo to be a safe harbor. Even when we were engaged, I put money to the side for myself…just in case.”
“I don’t need you to be sorry about that. Anyone with an ounce of decency would be. I need you to recognize the damage you caused by making that decision for me.”
They were good at not talking. It never felt uncomfortable.
Do what you want. Not what you think you have to do. You don’t get extra points for getting through life unhappily.”
‘Once we recognize what it is we’re feeling, once we recognize we can feel deeply, love deeply, can feel joy, then we will demand that all parts of our lives produce that kind of joy.’ ”
“We had what we had,” Jamie said. “But what if we could have more?”
