The Rosie Effect

by Graeme Simsion

He put his beer glass down. ‘You gents want to switch to wine? I bought a case of Chianti.’

Rosie had violated her practice of sustainable pescatarianism. This seemed highly unlikely, although there was a recent precedent in her eating a small quantity of Gene’s and my steak meal.

seemed that Gene was right. Dishonesty was part of the price of being a social animal, and of marriage in particular. I wondered if Rosie was withholding any other information.

was amazed that I had not seen the problem earlier, but as a scientist I recognised that paradigm shifts appear obvious only in retrospect.

began my solo day by drawing a one-to-one scale, apple-sized Bud on Tile 15. The Book noted that Bud’s ears had migrated from his neck to his head, and his eyes to the middle.

‘I’ve done some research. There is a project in Korea –’ ‘You mean South Korea.’ ‘Correct. They’ve developed a material impermeable to sound but permeable to air.’

It was like reading a book on karate – useful to a point, but not sufficient for combat preparation.

‘The B Team,’ I said, making a small joke. Nobody laughed. It was an encouraging sign that they were not inclined to over-recognise patterns, but I mentally registered them as B1, B2 and B3.

The Lesbian Mothers Project was vastly more interesting than the genetic factors influencing vulnerability to cirrhosis of the liver in mice, which had been the focus of my research for the past six years.

Gene recommended that I not raise the topic of the Lesbian Mothers Project again.

‘What are your professional qualifications?’ He laughed. ‘The university of life. The school of hard knocks.’

Dave appeared more shaken than the hypothetical baby.

So, deep breathing, try to visualise a relaxing scene, talk to yourself, say a calming word or sentence over and over.’

The oxytocin goes up with cuddling, doesn’t move with play. For either mother. Looks like only fathers can make the play thing happen. They’re changing the way they do the play so it’s more like cuddling.

a social situation, I would have taken the subtle hint that I was not wanted. But this was science. Sometimes it is convenient to be immune to subtlety.

The Hummer of prams.’ ‘World’s safest pram.’ I meant this literally. The base model had been the safest available, and I had augmented it with numerous custom enhancements.

‘Ridiculous. Chocolate contains caffeine. Caffeine is a stimulant with a four-hour half-life. It’s inadvisable to drink coffee or eat chocolate after 3.00 p.m. I never –’

Rosie obviously agreed, as she continued to sleep in her study every night, and I reinstated my original sleeping hours.

‘Don, problems that originate in childhood are never solved. Psychotherapists make a living out of that.’

‘A breech birth,’ I said. ‘Apparently there are additional problems. I’m expecting to learn a great deal.’

Ben attached the other end of the chain to the tractor, and the pulling process began. In a human birth, forceps would have taken the place of the tractor. Or – more likely – a caesarean

‘Dave.’ ‘Okay, Dave, meet Dave the calf. He owes you his life. And Lauren – all you guys. My wife’ll feed him. She’ll curse you every day.’

doubt Claudia would have any interest in me if I wasn’t who she thinks I am. It’s part of why she’s attracted to me.’

I presumed wriggler was a synonym for sperm and not penis.

Dave secret

The great thing about homo sapiens is that we’ve got a brain that can override our instincts. If we want it to.’

lied. My son, the one whose birth I didn’t get to. He’s a drug addict. That’s no secret. This is the secret. It was my fault. I caused it. He never even drank, didn’t smoke. He was a jazz drummer. A bloody good drummer.’

‘What do you mean?’ ‘Carl wouldn’t have believed that story coming from anyone but you.’

Her companion spoke to her. ‘You’re going to die for the truffled brie.’ Die. His choice of word was potentially accurate. I had no choice but to intervene. ‘Unpasteurised cheeses may carry listeria and are hence inadvisable in pregnancy.

anticipated that things would improve after the birth, but was now faced with a challenge to survive the final fourteen weeks of the pregnancy without Rosie rejecting me.

‘I’m not going to win a Nobel Prize for telling you that women are programmed to focus on the baby. But I think Don does have a problem.’ Gene looked at me. ‘It started when he didn’t go to the sonogram.’

Rosie doesn’t think he can cut it as a father. Think about repeating patterns. Rosie was brought up by a single parent, so maybe she sees that as her destiny as well.’

Claudia delivered her analysis almost as soon as I had finished. ‘She’s looking for perfect love. She’s idealised something that she lost before she could understand that love is never perfect.’

‘It’s unlikely I would forget a date. But mind-reading is not my strongest attribute.’

‘How can I discuss it without using the terms you’ve used to explain it?’ It would be like trying to explain genetics without mentioning DNA.

‘I’d rather you didn’t say anything to Gene, but I’m seeing someone. I’m in a relationship with a new man.

Good luck, Don. You’ve surprised us all so far. Then: I think you know the new man in my life. Simon Lefebvre – Head of the Medical Research Institute.

It was in Gene’s closet. After the pram problem, I considered there was a high probability that she would reject my father’s most amazing project.

‘We just thought – well, you’re with Rosie, the only person on the planet doing an MD and a PhD at the same time. And the way she just says what she thinks,

‘Don’t say anything,’ he said. ‘Inge spoke to you, right?’ Gene had asked me not to speak, then asked a question that required me to answer. I decided that the latter overrode the former.

cling wrap.

Fortunately, I could. I walked to the whiteboard and, using the red and black markers, showed how the umbilical cord could be crushed in a breech birth,

‘Chapped nipples are reported to cause agony, but mothers are expected to continue feeding to improve the immune system. Yet a social convention, a constructed social convention with minimal underlying rationale, is enough to prevent a simple extension that –’

‘Postnatal depression occurs in between ten and fourteen per cent of births. But I’m adept at administering the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale.’

Further research confirmed that it was not unusual for relationships to fail during pregnancy or shortly after the birth. The woman’s attention naturally shifted to the baby, at the expense of the partner.

I had no doubt who the other man was: Stefan, Rosie’s conventionally attractive study partner, whom she acknowledged had been pursuing her in Melbourne before we became a couple. He had been thirty-two when I met him, and could be thirty-four now.

‘So it fits, doesn’t it? The madness of George the Third. And I’m George the Fourth, the Prince Regent. That’s what my family used to call me. The Prince.’

consider myself capable of the necessary intervention. I’ve had significant practice.’ I thought it unnecessary to mention that there had been no prolapsed cord in the birth of Dave the Calf.

I was suddenly angry. I wanted to shake not just Lydia but the whole world of people who do not understand the difference between control of emotion and lack of it, and who make a totally illogical connection between inability to read others’ emotions and inability to experience their own.

‘No … just a coincidence with Don’s – Don-Dave’s – wife being … Rosie too.’ ‘There is no Rosie II,’ I explained. ‘Only the Georges are numbered.’

English ale has a lower alcohol content than American or Australian lager. Rosie