Restitution (The Edge of Darkness, #3)

by Leigh Rivers

I tried to burn my palms on a hotplate to get rid of the feeling, the dirtiness, the invisible blood, but Mum stopped me. Hence the doctor she called in and how many meds are in my system right now.

My chest aches with how beautiful she is. How, after everything I’ve put her through, she’s still here. Still fighting for me. Fighting for us. Not to be in a relationship, because we’re both too fucked for that, but to find level ground.

I want to go to her, to kiss her and touch her and ask her to love me, but I can’t.

I miss her. I miss her infectious giggle. The dimple that dents when she smiles at me after I kiss her. Her snarky texts. The way she always wants to laze around and watch TV with the dogs. I miss watching her dance, deep in a routine, or watching her unravel with my tongue inside her…

I never truly knew what it was like inside my dad’s head, but I think I do now. It’s fucking scary and lonely, and I get so damn angry all the time.

There’s an abandoned dog shelter I now own that I can take her to. I’ll stuff her into a crate and watch her suffer. My dad did the same thing before he was arrested twenty-three years ago, and it only seems fitting that I follow in his footsteps.

As soon as Dad is introduced to that world, he’ll be gone. He was suicidal his entire life until he met my mother, and it got even worse when he was locked up with only small pockets of time with her. Now, he doesn’t have his meds, so he won’t last long in the underworld. Or he’ll fit right in and revel in how twisted it is, who the fuck knows? Either way, I’ll have lost him.

My throat bobs as she takes the cigarette from between my lips and puts it between hers. “My name is Stacey,” she says, smiling and making my lungs stutter. “I joined Luciella’s dance class a few months ago.” My eyes stay on her as she takes a long inhale and blows smoke out above us. I think I might be having a heart attack. My heart hurts, it’s beating so hard.

“Falling in love with you didn’t ruin my life, Kade. Chris did. Without you, he would’ve locked me away and called me his pet forever.” Can I resurrect a dead man and kill him all over again? Another death I barely remember. That pisses me off.

While I follow her inside, my gaze lowers to the sway of her hips in front of me, her wavy hair flipping side to side. The need to grab her gets worse, but I fist my hands. At least I know my dick still exists. I feel the twitch and hate myself.

Her voice cracks, and I think something in my chest does too. “You said you still loved me.” “I do,” I reply without hesitation. “I would die to get that time back with you. But I’ve no idea how to be in a relationship. Not anymore.”

“Can I get your new number?” I ask before I can stop myself. “Us texting is fine, right?” A warm feeling fills my chest when she smiles. It reaches her sad eyes. “Yeah. Type yours in and I’ll text you,” she replies, pulling her phone from her pyjama pocket and giving it to me.

The walls close in around me, and I struggle to breathe. I want you to call me Stacey. Would that get you hard? Close your eyes and imagine I’m her. If you don’t get hard, Kade, I’ll go get Archie. That’s it, such a good boy. Fuck her harder in front of all of us. Now put a bullet in her head. Good boy. Good boy. Good boy. The tile cracks as I drive my fist into it.

:(

I might have stared at a screen for hours watching Stacey stretch and work her way around a pole, twist herself in fabric dangling from the ceiling then do some bendy routine on an aerial hoop after my sister left.

Being loved by Stacey Rhodes is a dream. Why does my dream need to be a nightmare?

I sigh, waiting for my playlist to start. “Hearing Damage” by Thom Yorke plays, and Stacey groans. “I love this song.” I know. I know everything about you, Freckles.

My heartttttttt

“My heart is going so fast. Feel it.” She takes my hand and presses it to her chest, and although I freeze everywhere, I can feel the beating heart that belongs to me. She uses her free hand to pull up my visor when I stay silent.

“My heart’s been pounding in my chest since you asked me to come here with you.” The corner of my lip curls. “You’re getting soft in your old age, Stacey.”

“You’re addressing everyone in it and apologising for everything as if you’re going to die.” She scans the words, turning the paper over and pausing. “And lastly, the most important person in my life, my girl Stacey Rhodes. My Freckles. My forever. What can I say to make any of this better? I hope my death means you’re free, and that—” She glances up. “Why did the note stop?” I look down. “It’s nothing.” “It looks like a suicide note. I…”

I slowly lie back too and fight the urge to talk. To tell her how dark my head is. To ask her to stay by my side. To beg her to make the pain go away.

I unravel my shirt sleeves, refasten the cuffs and head out into the corridor, stopping when I hear music – “Dead Man” by David Kushner. I push the door to the studio open to see Stacey mounting the aerial hoop. Throughout the song, I watch as she dances in a routine. She forms shapes that would break my bones and kill me, and she spins so slowly and sensually, I know she’s feeling the music, zoning out and letting go.

She shrugs, star-fishing. “Like I said, I missed you. I felt close to you, even though you weren’t here.” “Sounds a little psychotic and obsessive. I think you spent too much time with my dad.”

I smirk and pull the duvet back. “I knew you just wanted in my bed.” She laughs softly, and fuck, I missed that. Wait. Are we flirting? We are. I think.

I furrow my brows as I get into bed. “I don’t understand you at all.” She tilts her head, confused. “I tried to shoot you. I chased you down in your car and held a gun to your head. You—” I gulp. “You were raped after losing our daughter, and I left you.” She’s unfazed as she raises a shoulder.

“You saw what I did to your stepbrother. That pales in comparison to everything else. One time, I made a guy eat his own intestines.” Her eyes widen in surprise. “Oh.”

“Because I love you. Because I’ve always loved you. Regardless of what you’ve gone through and the changes we’ve both had to make to our lives, my feelings remain the same, Kade. I won’t stop loving you.” “I wish I could be the old me again,” I admit quietly. “I hate who I am now. Because all I can think about is killing people.”

She shifts but not out of discomfort. “Who do you want to kill?” “Everyone who’s ever wronged you, hurt you, touched you without your consent. I want to rip them all apart. I’d ruin myself to keep you safe.” “You have a beautiful soul,” she says. “You’re worth more than death.”

Leaning over and pressing my hand to the pillow beside her head, I look down at her. “Don’t move.” She gives a little nod, watching me lower myself to her, my hair falling over my eyes. I kiss her cheek, hovering for a second when she makes a cute hum in her throat. I press my lips down a bit, closer to her mouth while she stays still but breathless.

I shut my eyes and focus away from the voices, screams and gunshots that echo in my mind. They almost prevent me from kissing her again, but she grabs my chin. “You’re in control.”

“You can go as far as you want. You’re in control of this, Kade. I’m yours,” she says, and her eyes drop to my mouth. ...

“Kiss me,” she whispers against my mouth, knowing how desperately I want to do just that. “It’s just me and you. It’s always been me and you. Against the world.” My heart stops and restarts when my lips press to hers softly.

She carefully takes my face between her hands, her pupils dilating more with every second. “I love you. I’ve loved you since we were eighteen. And I’ll love you until we’re old and grey and we’ve lived our whole lives together.”

Kade’s hair is soaked, falling over his forehead as he licks a droplet from his lips, his nostrils flaring. Rage. It’s growing inside him like a blazing inferno.

“On your twelfth birthday, I…” She pauses. “I took my first steps and walked straight into your arms. When I turned four, I started my first day of school and you were the only one wh-who managed to calm me down when I cried. M-m-my first school disco⁠—” She nearly drops the piece of paper. Kade is stiff as a board beside me, emotionless, but I can see in his eyes that he’s battling how he feels.

Lu wipes her eyes. “Sorry.” She blows out a breath. “No one would be my date at the school dance, so you danced with me in the playground.” Her throat cracks. “You danced with me until the music from the hall stopped. For prom, I didn’t like my shoes but didn’t want to tell Mum, so you used your first wage to buy me a new pair. I was afraid of the dark, so you and Kade slept on my room floor whenever I had nightmares.”

“You… you were – are – the perfect big brother for me and Kade. The best. Caring, supportive, funny and exactly the kind of sibling everyone deserves. I love you, Jason. I-I miss you.” Kade lets go of my hand. “Fuck this,” he spits through gritted teeth and shoulders his way through the crowd.

Aria sits down beside Kade. “They only stopped about ten years ago,” she says. “He had triggers that brought them on. Anything from a word to a feeling to a smell set him off. That’s why he wasn’t allowed to drive when he was younger. He crashed while blacked out and nearly killed someone.”

“Pseudo?” I ask, tilting my head. “Pseudo-seizures,” the doctor clarifies. “They mimic epileptic seizures, but they’re brought on by stress, anxiety and other mental factors.”

Her best friend was murdered by Tobias’s best friend. He bludgeoned her skull with a hammer.

He pulls a hand from his pocket and aggressively taps the side of his head with bared teeth. “It’s Bernadette. She’s in my head all the fucking time. Every single thing I do, I hear her voice, smell her fucking perfume and feel her nails clawing into my skin. I’m trying so damn hard to push it all aside and be good enough for you.” He eats up the distance between us, making my pulse race. “I. Don’t. Know. How.” I fight tears, seeing into his abused soul through the deadliness of his eyes.

“But, despite every reason not to, I want to be with you. I need you.” My head tilts as a tear slides down my cheek. “You do?” “Of course I do,” he says with a frown, closing the remaining distance between us and wiping the tear away with his thumb, stroking beneath my eye

“I need you too,” I add. “Even if I’m a bag full of trauma?” I smile. “I have my own bag. We can swap when they get too heavy and we need a balance.”

Kade huffs out a laugh, nudging his nose against mine. “I want to try and kiss you again. Can I?” “Promise me something first.” He arches a brow. “What?” “Don’t push me away.” He brings his mouth close to mine, fire igniting within me as he whispers against my lips, “What if it’s for your own good?”

Nothing about Kade scares me. Even if he did chase me down a highway on a motorbike and point a gun in my face, shoot at me, finger me while covered in blood, along with all the other messed-up things he’s done. He doesn’t scare me. That side – the scary, vicious and extremely dangerous side – is the one everyone sees, but I get to see a different Kade.

The real Kade. The one who went on holiday with me. Got drunk and sang karaoke, swam in the sea and kissed me under the sunset. He’s the one who sent me good morning and goodnight texts every day without fail, and we shared all of our firsts. Everything he’s done in his life – kill, fuck, torture – he did to protect those he loved. Including me.

Kade Mitchell loves me. I’m his. And he’s mine.

My lungs stop working as his other hand comes to rest on my hip, walking me back until I bump into the desk. I pull myself on top of it without thinking, my dress riding up my thighs as I open them wide enough for him to slot himself between them. I pull him by the shirt, bringing him closer to me, until I feel every bit of his warmth.

“I don’t deserve to even be in your fucking company.”

“But I want you. I want everything you’ll give to me. I want you around me, beneath me, on top of me.”

“I tried so hard to keep my distance, Stacey, but I can’t do it anymore.”