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It’s a risk. I don’t want to be pushy. But I do want him to know he can count on me. That I’ll listen whenever he’s ready to talk.
I hope Alec realizes that his friends are here because of how much he means to them. There are so many people in his life who will stand by him through this, no matter what happens.
“I’m not going to make you talk about it,” I say, holding his gaze. “Not tonight. Not unless you want to. I just wanted to be here.” He leans down and kisses me, warm and slow. “Thank you,” he says softly.
he makes room for me anyway, pulling me into the space between his knees so he can wrap his arms around me. He drops his head onto my chest, and I lift my hands to his hair, slowly massaging my fingers into his scalp.
He takes a long, slow breath. “I’m really glad Devon isn’t coming for Thanksgiving. Is that bad? Because I’m also sad he isn’t coming. At least for Juno. Does that make sense?”
And I really do love her hope and optimism. But I just wanted to be angry for a minute. And Nathan was the one to let me do that.
And three. My knee is never going to be the same. On the kitchen island in front of me sit two different plans for my physical therapy over the next three months.
Dr. Samuelson made it clear that even though the surgery was successful and it’s probable I could rehabilitate to the point of being a sufficient player in the AHL, I will never play with the same speed and power I had before. Meanwhile, the Appies are on a winning streak, in large part due to Theo and Carter, who are developing into truly outstanding defensemen. I’m proud of them. Most of the time.
Whenever I think about walking away, figuring out a life that exists outside of the Appies organization, I’m filled with a cold sense of dread, a fear that I’ll never be able to do anything else.
“But see, you already figured out what comes next for you. You already have something else to live for.” He shrugs. “Why not just go do that now?” I already have something else to live for. It’s a very simple distillation, but it rings true in a way that nothing else I’ve thought over the past two weeks has.
“What is that therapist teaching you?” “The true meaning of life, Captain. And I have you to thank for that.” He’s halfway across the living room on his way to the stairs when he turns and adds, “Spoiler alert. The answer isn’t hockey.”
It’s not until we’re inside and unpacked and sitting on Evie’s couch that I realize all the times I’ve ever taken care of Juno, Evie has always been with me. But this time, I’m alone.
I hold her for a long time, even after I know Evie would have insisted I move her to her crib. But sitting here with Juno, holding her like this, feels like the perfect time to be honest with myself. It’s time for my hockey career to end.
Half an hour later, footsteps sound on the porch, and I sit up, turning off the TV as I do. I expect her to just walk in, but then someone knocks instead.
But things are slowly getting better. Luckily, it hasn’t been hard to be patient because even at his worst, Alec is never anything but sweet with me. But I can still tell he’s put some walls up. He won’t talk to me about hockey. He won’t talk to me about his plans. About how he wants to handle his physical therapy. He just closes off and shuts down. Still, I’m confident we’ll get there.
“Do you know what he said to me when I opened the door?” I cringe because I can only imagine what it was. “Tell me.” “He said, ‘Hey man, I’m Devon. Nice to meet you. Thanks for holding my spot.” I gasp. “He did not.” “He did,” Alec says. “And I didn’t punch him.” “I kinda wish you had,” I say.
“Why would you do that?” I ask. “When he was such a jerk to you, why would you—” “Because I’m in love with you,” he says, cutting me off. I suck in a breath as his words land. “Because I love you, and I’d rather be here supporting you than running away to prevent my own discomfort.” I lunge into him, wrapping my arms around his neck as I press my lips to his. “I love you too,” I say. “So much.” His arms loop around my waist, and I melt into his solid warmth, pressing into his chest as I kiss him again and again. “Juno started solid foods,” I say in between kisses, and Alec chuckles. “What?”
It was a territorial move, with more alpha energy than I’ve ever seen from Alec before, and I’ll be honest. I’m definitely a fan.
I get the distinct impression that he’s considering his next move. Like this is a chess game, and he’s trying to figure out how to get my pieces where he wants them. It’s baffling to me how I never saw this before when it’s so obvious to me now.
I narrow my eyes. It’s not lost on me that so far, Devon hasn’t said a single word about Juno. Hasn’t asked where she is or if he can meet her.
She promised me she wouldn’t leave me hanging, that she would help support me and Juno as long as I needed it. It’s the only reason I haven’t made a big deal out of Devon’s lack of paying child support. I may not be getting it directly from Devon, but I’m getting it, and I respect Devon’s mother too much to cause trouble just for the sake of causing trouble.
Maybe Karen decided she couldn’t do both. She couldn’t pay Devon’s child support and pay to support Devon.
Without saying another word, I stand and move to my purse and pull out my phone. I sit back down and dial Devon’s mom. He looks at me, frowning as the phone rings.
but I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage, so I want to be fully transparent and let you know that I’m dating someone.” “Oh, that’s wonderful news,” Karen says. “I’m so happy for you.” “Things are getting pretty serious, so if we end up getting married and my financial situation changes, I’d love to have a conversation with you about it.”
but Karen’s words are as gentle and loving as I expected them to be. “Oh, well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. Maybe after, if you no longer need the help, we could start a trust for Juno. Save for her future education expenses.”
Meanwhile, I’m in New York, and they won’t help me with anything. I can’t find work, I can’t pay rent…you know how hard it is to live in that city, Evie. I’m drowning.”
Devon smiles. “Sounds like me.” I watch him for a long moment while he looks over at Juno, emotions playing over his face. “She’s the best thing I’ve ever done, Devon,” I say softly. “The best thing we’ve ever done.”
If I pushed him, he might try. But how long would it last? That last sentence was probably the truest thing he’s ever said to me.
Devon lifts a hand like he’s going to brush it over Juno’s hair, but then he seems to change his mind, letting his hand fall back to his side. “I’m sorry,” he says simply. The words are soft, almost too soft for me to hear. I can’t even begin to categorize the many, many things he could be apologizing for, but I’m not sure I actually want to.
It helps that I have the love of a man who is Devon’s polar opposite.
But it isn’t Evie. It’s Nathan. He doesn’t say a word, just files into the row I’m occupying and sits down. Footsteps echo on the other side of me, and I spin to see Eli moving in on the other side, followed by Felix and Camden. When I look back at Nathan, Van and Logan are sitting down on his opposite side.
My team. My brothers. I didn’t know how much I wanted them to be here until they showed up.
Nathan lifts a thumb and points it at Camden. “Pretty sure this guy is still heartbroken.” “I’m not heartbroken,” Camden says. “Yeah, you are,” the rest of us all say in unison. Camden mumbles something under his breath,
I know what my teammates are doing. Normalizing the struggle. Being vulnerable with me so that if I need to, I can do the same thing with them.
“Also,” I say, hating that I finally have to say these words to my teammates. “I’m never going to play hockey again.” For a long moment, nobody says a word. It’s not like I expected my teammates to be anything but supportive. But it still feels like I’m failing somehow. Like if I’d just played a little differently that last game, taken care of myself a little better, maybe my knee could have made it a few more seasons.
I came to the Summit to say goodbye, and I did, in my own way, before they showed up. But having them beside me has made something that was mostly just bitter feel bittersweet.
“To meet his kid, probably. For all I know, he’s still there.” “He’s not,” Nathan says. “He’s gone.” I sit up and look toward Nathan. “You talked to Evie?” He eyes me. “I mean, we’re here. She was the one who suggested we come.” I sink back into my seat. Of course this was her doing. I shouldn’t be surprised. One of the things I love about Evie is her emotional IQ. She’s always been good at reading me. At sensing what I need, sometimes before I realize I need it myself.
A sudden restless energy pulses through me. It’s late. Already after ten, and Evie has to work in the morning. But I need to see her. Talk to her. Make sure she’s okay after talking to Devon. “I think I need to go,” I say, my fingers drumming on my thigh. I look around at my friends. “I should, right?” “Yes!” they all say at once.
Somehow, over the past couple of months, this woman has worked her way into my heart, and I don’t have a single doubt in my mind. From now on, I’m living for her. For us.
I look at the notebook for a long time, at the evidence of a future I never dreamed of but now can’t imagine living without. Eventually, she tugs the notebook out of my hands and climbs onto my lap. I slide my hands up to her hips and give them a squeeze. “Thank you for sending my teammates to the Summit.” Her expression softens. “Did I guess right? That when you said you were saying goodbye, that means no more hockey?” I nod. “No more hockey.” “Are you feeling okay? About retiring?” “Better than I was, for sure,” I say. “Thanks to you.”
But I want you to know that’s where I see this going. I’m all in here, all right? With you. But with her too. And not just because of you. It’s not like I see her as necessary because you guys are a package deal. I really want to be a father. I want to be her father.” Tears well in Evie’s eyes. “I would really love that,” she says. “It’s what I want too.” I grin. “Okay. Now you can kiss me.”
And she kisses me when, after my retirement from the Appies is official, I offer to take over Juno’s full-time childcare.
Lucky for me, Evie also kisses me when I screw up. Turns out, I’m not always perfect at this whole relationship thing, no matter how hard I try. But Evie has had her own share of missteps too.
