Loving a Vampire Is Total Chaos (Total Chaos, #1)

by Aura Hayes

Besides, I don’t like blood unless I’m drinking it. Even then I’m a picky bitch.

I’d loved once, but then she turned out to be off her rocker more than I am, so I skedaddled right on out of that relationship. I haven’t been in a serious one since, but I’ve remained what you might call a romantic at … well, I don’t have a heart so I’m not sure where exactly. But it’s there. Somewhere.

Vampirism isn’t a cure for everything, and my shit eyesight carried over when I was changed. It’s not entirely a bad thing since I can pull off a pair of glasses like nobody’s business.

And frankly, men are like plants, if you don’t water them, they’ll die, and I don’t have a green thumb.

“I think...” His humerus bone snaps under my shoe. “...that I don’t want a filthy creature like you...” His fingers crunch with ease in my hand. “...touching what belongs to me.”

“A divine angel like her is a blessing to the eyes and you are nothing but lowly trash unworthy of looking upon her,”

Once I see her, I’ll be able to breathe again. Hypothetically, speaking of course. I don’t actually need oxygen to survive.

I dip fingers into it to draw a smiley face with fangs that unfortunately look more like buckteeth,

“Look out below,” I say with a laugh, tossing him into the void.

I’m practically humping her like a dog, and I’d let her leash me any day.

He was lucky all I did was break his wrist.

Children are one of my least favorite things with their whining, screaming, and messiness but it can usually be blamed on shitty parenting. My one exception for a crotch goblin is if Celine wants children. I’ll give her as many as she desires. I look forward to practicing the baby making. Wait. Babies. Celine. I need to write that down. Pulling my trusty notebook and pen out of my pocket I lick my finger and flip it open to a new page. Quickly scribbling, Breed Celine, under a new list titled Goals in my long life with Celine.

Make sure Celine always wears a seatbelt. Safety is hot.

It’s a known fact in the supernatural community that heavy and consistent rainfall is indicative of a large gathering of creatures in one area.

Right as Asher winds up, Zavier lets out an obnoxious sneeze that has us all jumping in surprise, Asher included, whose ball goes right into the gutter.

“Should I turn on the bumpers?”

Now is not an appropriate time for a fangboner!

He grabs my finger so quickly I can barely react and nips at it. I try to pull away, but he refuses to let go. “Lockwood. Zavier Lockwood. L-O-C-K-W-O-O-D. Why aren’t you writing this down? It’s going to be your last name one day, too.” His grin is downright wicked.

Zavier’s Date Ideas for Whooing His Mate:

Bowling - Asher’s bitch ass ruined this one Karaoke - Show off my golden pipes Navy Pier, Ferris Wheel - Basic and done before Skip everything and go straight to fucking her senseless - My favorite

have to resist the urge to hold my hand to my chest like a Victorian child with the plague.

“Maybe class will help. We have a new instructor today and he’s hot.

Midnight observes from his perch on top of the fridge like he’s Gordon Ramsey.

Celine. My mate. This can’t be the end. She doesn’t know how big of a dick I have yet. I’m going to die and she doesn’t even know. This is the worst.

“I vant to suck your blood ... kind of vampire?”

“So, do you deposit your paychecks at the blood bank?”

I am indeed crusty, but hey, at least I’m the sexiest crusty vampire she’ll ever meet.

“Diarrhea,” I blurt out, immediately regretting my answer. “Dinner didn’t sit right with him.”

“Brennan! Should I cuff you for speeding?” Captain eyes me as I walk in. “There’s no way you didn’t break laws to get here this fast.” “Ooh, kinky. Celine arrest me.” Zav sticks his wrists out and I push them down with a hiss.

Sitting back on the couch I feel Midnight jump into my lap. He’s continued to prove himself as my emotional support pussy and cuddles with me when I’m here.

“What does she see in you?” I bicker. “You’re an argumentative energizer bunny.”

“What does she see in you?” she retaliates. “Red hair, glasses, and a stupid necklace?” “You take that back,” I gasp in outrage. “Celine loves my chain. Especially when she grabs it so I fuck her harder.” I stick my chin in the air.

“We’re blowing this popsicle stand. Come on.”

We army crawl through the vent and I have the horrifying thought of what if I fart? Poor Valen.