Loving a Vampire Is Total Chaos (Total Chaos, #1)

by Aura Hayes

The sound of grown men begging for mercy always brings a smile to my face.

honestly same

“They also leave a signature in blood each time.” Coming around to me he points at a bloody poorly drawn smiley face with—is that fangs?—

i don’t know if i like that

I’m no virgin, but I fear my lady bits are covered in cobwebs at this point,

go see a doctor?

Now if you said something like ham and pineapple then I’d have to kill you.”

fuck u and die

But those dreams died when I took this job and assumed partial care of my dad. He has severe dementia, and my mom is…well, I don’t actually know where she is.

trauma dumping after knowing this man for like 20 minutes after you have threatened him with a gun is crazy work

My one exception for a crotch goblin is if Celine wants children.

what the fuck is this world where vampires can have kids and also wear glasses like that’s just fucked up

Quickly scribbling, Breed Celine, under a new list titled Goals in my long life with Celine.

why are you talking abt her like she’s a prized mare

I’ll go ahead and fold them for her.

well now she’s definitely gonna know someone was in here

“Zavier?” The incredulity is obvious in my voice. “You work here?”

bro u did not how did u even get a job here

“Tens, ple—” I’m promptly cut off and shock floods my features when he’s already handing me a pair of size ten shoes.

can u be more obvious

So sorry for the abrupt departure but I have a family emergency I have to attend to. I had a great time tonight! -Asher

so zav def killed him

Luna arches one perfectly manicured brow and taps her fingers on the table while I start on my second bag.

THE COFFEE SHOP OWNER??

My coat catches on the textured wall as I back up and slide down it, collapsing in a heap on the ground.

sobbing in the hallway of ur apartment building is crazy girl go inside

“Whoever hurt you, just tell me and I’ll kill them.”

someone you barely know telling you this would be so fucking creepy bro??

“Everyone has a middle name.”

not true i don’t have one

“Maybe class will help. We have a new instructor today and he’s hot.

we all know who it is

“That’s weird. Your passcode is my birthday.”

worlds shittiest detective over here girl RUN HE IS OBVIOUSLY STALKING YOU

Resting my fingers against his neck I feel for a pulse and panic when it's very faint.

how does he have a pulse he doesn’t have a heart

Tell her I sent you and be as conspicuous as possible.”

… do u mean inconspicuous cause i really don’t think u want her loudly and boldly asking for blood in a coffee shop

“So, do you deposit your paychecks at the blood bank?”

yk what ok fine whatever

and now that I know vampires are real, I can’t help but wonder if the Mayhem Murderer is one or another type of supernatural. It couldn’t be Zav, I don’t think.

worlds worst detective strikes again

That conversation proves it, because I swear the female voice I just heard was Genevieve’s.

HUH

Strawberries create eyes, chocolate chips make a smile, and whipped cream finishes it off with fangs for a perfect vampire smiley.

if this girl doesn’t realize he’s the mayhem murderer

“Now what pray tell would make you think that, Genevieve?”

oh i knew it

“You’re my mate.”

literally could see that coming from a mile away