Loving a Vampire Is Total Chaos (Total Chaos, #1)

by Aura Hayes

A small human child runs by and nearly bumps into my shoulder. I recoil in disgust, wiping the invisible germs off my shirt.

Children *are* gross

Children are one of my least favorite things with their whining, screaming, and messiness

A-fucking-men!

I pull out my notebook before I drive away and scribble down; Make sure Celine always wears a seatbelt. Safety is hot.

No. No. Now is not an appropriate time for a fangboner!

I’m already dealing with a fangboner. The last thing I need is an actual one too.

Wait. She’s worried about me? If I could blush, I most certainly would be. My sweet girl is worried about me, when all that’s wrong is me wanting to take her to pound town and mark her as mine.

“How else do you expect me to live out my eternal life? Gossip is what makes the world go round.”

The fangboners are getting out of control.

Oh fuck. Pressure in my gums. God help me. These insufferable fangs. Incoming boner of both kinds.

I take a moment to center myself before I pull out. Pull out. Pull-out method. Get your head out of the gutter, Zav!

Dead puppies. Tom in his underwear. Pineapples.

Celine. My mate. This can’t be the end. She doesn’t know how big of a dick I have yet. I’m going to die and she doesn’t even know. This is the worst.

“Zavier, you better not be dead! I haven’t gotten to interrogate you Detective Brennan style yet!”

“I haven’t gotten to go down on you yet, how could I pass away?” he questions, and I marvel at his ability to be flirty even in the state he’s in now.

This book is so unhinged and I fucking love it.

“Might as well rip the bandage off.” He runs a hand through his red hair much like the color of the blood he was just downing. “I’m a vampire.”

“A vampire,” I reply in a deadpan voice. He nods. “I vant to suck your blood ... kind of vampire?”

“That’s a harmful stereotype, how dare you bring that up?” He crosses his arms, sporting a mock pout on his lips,

“So, do you deposit your paychecks at the blood bank?”

“Where’s he going? I just brought the drinks.” She watches his retreating form. “Diarrhea,” I blurt out, immediately regretting my answer. “Dinner didn’t sit right with him.”

“If you only knew how many fangboners I’ve sprouted because of you.”