After (After, #1)

by Anna Todd

“Do you always cry at parties?” he asks and ducks his head a little, but with a small smile. “Apparently, whenever you’re at them. And since these are the only ones I’ve ever been to…” I reach the door again and open it. “Theresa,” he says so soft that I almost don’t hear him. His face is unreadable. The room starts to spin again and I grab on to the dresser next to his door. “You okay?” he asks. I nod even though I feel nauseous. “Why don’t you just sit down for a few minutes, then you can go to the bus station.”

“Can I ask you a question?” The look on his face tells me I should say no but the room’s still not feeling entirely solid, and I think maybe talking will help me focus, so I say, “Sure.” “What do you want to do after college?”

“Did he touch you?” he asks, without any trace of sarcasm or humor.

Hardin brings his hand up, and I almost flinch away, but not before the pad of his thumb captures the tear from my cheek. My lips part in surprise from his gentle touch.

His warm tongue runs along mine and I can feel the cold metal of his lip ring on the corner of my mouth. My entire body feels like it’s been ignited; I have never felt like this before. He brings his hand to my face, cupping my flushed cheeks, before both of his hands go to my hips. He pulls back a little and plants a small kiss on my lips.

“Where were you?” he asks calmly. “I drove around trying to find you for almost two hours.”

“We are going to go into town,” I tell Hardin. In response, Hardin nods several times, like he’s answered some question deep within himself. And for the first time he looks vulnerable, and maybe a little hurt.

But his hand moves up to my cheekbone and then he gently tucks my hair behind my ear. I swear I can hear his pulse as he brings his lips to mine—and the fire crackles under my skin.

This is what I have been longing for since Saturday night. If I could only feel one thing for the rest of my life, this would be it.

The idea of dirty talk never appealed to me, but somehow Hardin saying those words becomes the most sensual thing I have ever heard.

“Well, maybe if he wasn’t such a manwhore, he could have stopped it after the first time instead of showing up in her room!”

“Yeah… You didn’t stop me.” He pauses. “It must be exhausting,” he says. What? “What must be exhausting?” “Acting like you don’t want me, when we both know you do,” he says, and steps closer.

“Your pulse has quickened, hasn’t it? Your mouth is dry. You’re thinking about me and have that feeling… down there. Don’t you, Theresa?”

“Why do you care if I go to the movies with Zed anyway? Steph and Tristan were going, too.” “I just don’t think Zed has the best intentions,” he says quietly, his eyes glued to the road.

Still, I like to watch his lips as he talks, the way they move slowly as the words are even slower. After looking over at me a few times during the conversation, he pretty harshly says, “I don’t like to be stared at,” though he does smile a little after.

For a moment I find myself wishing I was someone else, someone braver. Like Steph. If I was Steph, I would strip down and jump into the warm water with Hardin. I would splash around and climb up the bank just to jump back and soak him. I would be fun and carefree. But I’m not Steph. I’m Tessa.

“We can’t just be friends, you know that, don’t you?” His lips touch my chin, making me tremble. He continues a line of kisses along my jawline and I nod.

“Don’t ever cover up, not for me,” he says and looks into my eyes.

I don’t know what it is about Hardin that makes me so emotional, in every way possible. The idea of him using me makes me more upset than it should. My feelings for Hardin are so confusing. I hate him one minute and want to kiss him the next. He makes me feel things I never knew I could, and not just sexually. He makes me laugh and cry, yell and scream, but most of all he makes me feel alive.

And he smiles. It’s a beautifully haunting smile, and makes me hopeful that I can help him through this, but I know what is really about to happen.

“Kiss me, Tessa,” he says against my lips. I shake my head and he grunts in frustration. “Please, just kiss me. I need you”

Hardin is like a drug; each time I take the tiniest bit of him, I crave more and more. He consumes my thoughts and invades my dreams.

“You know who I think you are when you’re with me?” He runs his thumb along my jawline, and I try to stay focused. “Who?” “Yourself. I think this is the real you and that you’re just too busy caring what everyone else thinks about you to realize it.”

“You… you make me want to be good, for you… I want to be good for you, Tess.”

“Sorry, but something is not right there. If you were mine, I wouldn’t be able to stay away from you. I would fuck you every chance I had.”

I am just as intoxicated by Hardin as he is by the bottle of scotch he consumed.

His laughter booms through the room—and it’s the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

I can’t ignore the way I feel when I’m with Hardin. I’ve never had these types of feelings before. Not just when we’re on top of each other, but the way he gives me butterflies just by looking at me, the way I find myself desperately wanting to see him even when I’m fuming mad at him, and, mostly, the way he always invades my thoughts even when I try to convince myself that I hate him.

The problem is that I can’t stay away from Hardin. I am a moth to his flame, and he never hesitates to burn me.

I literally have no one except this flame-haired, tattooed girl who I never expected would become my friend. But I’m really glad she did.

“That is precisely the problem here, isn’t it? That I can’t stop looking at you.”

Regular girls wear tons of makeup to look as good as you do without it.”

I notice the way he smiles when I laugh at a funny line, the way he frowns when I sob over Paige losing her memory, and the way he too sighs with relief when Paige and Leo end up together again in the end.

He looks so perfect, so peaceful in his sleep. I love the way his eyelids flutter and the way his chest moves up and down and the lovely sigh that leaves his full lips.

A few minutes later I feel the pillow move and then Hardin’s arm wraps around my waist and he pulls me to his chest. I don’t move it or call attention to his actions. I am enjoying the feeling too much. “I missed you, too,” he whispers against my hair.

I don’t have control of myself when Hardin is involved. I become merely a passerby in this storm.

I have no warning before he crashes his lips down on mine, the force of his mouth almost painful. His action is so full of desperation and hunger that I am lost. Lost in Hardin.

“That I want you. More than I have ever wanted anyone or anything in my entire life.”

He said he wants me, and I am his to take. I have been since I kissed him that first time.

“I don’t just want to be friends… I want more.” His words knock the wind right out of me.

“You aren’t my type, just the way that I am not yours. But that’s why we are good for each other—we are so different, yet we’re the same.

“This has been me for so long, I have never wanted to be any other way. Until now, until you.”

I somehow know it is the calm before the storm, but right now Hardin is my anchor. I just pray that he doesn’t pull me under.

“Don’t ever leave me, Tess,” he whispers and falls back into sleep. My heart nearly explodes at his plea, and I know that as long as he wants me here, I’m here.

I try to force myself to move, to back up, to run, to crawl, to do anything to get me out of here, but my eyes are locked on the boy I was falling for while his eyes are locked on her.

“I… Tessa, I…” “You what? You what, Hardin?” I scream even louder. “I… I love you!” he yells. And all the air disappears from my lungs. And Molly sounds like she is choking. And Steph looks like she has seen a ghost.

I think back to what Landon said about heartbreak, that if you don’t love the person, they can’t break your heart. Hardin repeatedly breaks my heart, even when I don’t think there are any more pieces to break. And I love him. I love Hardin.

“Do you remember when you asked me who I love the most in the world?” he asks, his lips inches from mine. I nod, though it seems so long ago, and I didn’t think he was even paying attention. “It’s you. You’re the person that I love most in the world.”

He’s worse than alcohol running through my veins.

Our laughter blends together and it’s a lovely sound.