Roomies

by Christina Lauren

Crushes are the worst, but in hindsight a crush from afar seems so much easier than this.

Going home with a broken arm to my small but lovely space would only remind me that I am a useless, phoneless, privileged heap of bones who is so pitiful she let a drunk dude harass her and push her off a subway

I am shit at taking risks; I’m bored to hell with my life already, and I’m only twenty-five.

“I’d also have a beautiful wife. What would you have?

I’ve always been obsessed with words—so why can’t I seem to write a single one?

But I also think she sees herself as a supporting character, even in her own life story.”

And I can’t tell whether people respond this way because they like the idea that I want to do something difficult and creative, or because nobody looks at me and immediately thinks She’s got stories buried inside her.

I think you undervalue your own gifts.”

“I think part of what’s keeping me from starting is the fear that I won’t actually love it, and

Am I unable to create anything because I see myself in a supporting role? Doomed to always be the friend, the daughter, the linchpin in everyone else’s story?

I want to live my life with the intensity I see on the stage up there, want to feel passionate about something in that same way. But what if it never happens for me? My

Or when I leave my apartment and feel like everyone wants to stay in their bubble and not interact with another human on the planet.

And… I actually cling to this feeling, because I never get angry… and I forget how being angry can feel so good because it makes me feel strong.

when I had accomplished something, when I was feeling good about having a voice and protecting Calvin like I did. I have nothing going for me,”

“But I think that’s what scares me the most,” I tell him. “I’m terrified it will look the same in ten years—for me. But for Calvin? He will have moved on, or moved up, or moved away.”

I wonder if it’s because I’m surrounded by people who are brilliant in a way I’m not, and it leaves me feeling ordinary by comparison.

Isn’t he proud of me? Of what we’ve built together? Doesn’t that outweigh the shame in having to admit his lie?

But I’ve been really good at letting other people take care of me, and making my decisions based on what other people need. I’ve been scared of figuring out my own shit, or trying something and failing. And now I’m sitting here thinking, ‘I wouldn’t even be in love with me. How can I believe him when he says he is?’ ”