The Wrong Heart

by Jennifer Hartmann

“Fleeting beauty is the most precious kind. You appreciate it more.”

I keep myself busy to the point of exhaustion, because if I don’t burn out… I’ll burn away.

But the smaller I get, the easier it is for me to hide, so I’m content with that for now.

“Don’t think you need to prove anything to anyone—even you. There’s no time limit on healing,”

I’ve lost my way, and I’m not sure how to get back to the girl I used to be. Before him.

“I, um, lost someone,” she replies, her voice no more than a shaky whisper. “And then I lost myself.”

But I suppose grief doesn’t take age into consideration—it just takes what it wants when it wants it. Grief is the most selfish thing in this world.

But I’m stronger than my sickness. I have to be.

So, you’ll try again, expecting a different result, or at the very least, hope that you can hold on a little tighter this time—stay on a little longer. But you’ll still get thrown. And it will still hurt. I think the key to healing is accepting that your grief isn’t going anywhere, then getting back on the bull anyway. One day, you’ll start to enjoy the ride more than you’ll fear the anticipation of the inevitable fall.

I decide to mull over my impossible regret at a local dive bar a mile up the road, sucking down shots of tequila as if they might fill the empty holes inside of me. They don’t, of course, but they do numb the pain, and that’s a start.

To lose is to have loved.

She’s trying to get close and eradicate my walls. But I’ve been building these walls for a long, long time, and they were built to last.

But now I’m forced to look forward without him, and it’s daunting. Terrifying. I don’t know which way to turn because every direction feels like it drags me farther and farther away from him.

“It must feel really good to have someone look at you like that—like they’re seeing you for the first time, every time, and they’re amazed all over again.”

“You look better, by the way. Like you’re healing.”

It’s all about finding the balance—cherishing his memory and carrying those precious moments with me, while not allowing them to sink me and swallow me whole.

“I have to believe there’s still joy in the journey—this new journey—and that life isn’t all about the finished puzzle. There’s just as much fulfillment in putting it together.”

I seethe, sick of his mixed signals. Sick of the crumbs he throws me right before he steals them all away.

I gave a precious gift to an unworthy man.

“It’s a mess, Leah. He has the emotional capacity of a spatula.”

“The dark is the very best secret-keeper. The things we say in the dark never have to leave it.”

She told me to follow my instincts, but my instincts have always urged me to lurk in the shadows and build shatterproof walls. Vulnerability is poison. Emotions are toxic. Becoming soft is a solicitation for pain and disappointment.

“I’m falling for you,” I breathe against her lips, almost grazing them. “But I don’t know how to fall without crashing and burning.”

“I was afraid we’d haunt you. Scare you away. But you stayed, and you’re exactly what we needed.” I watch as she twists around in place, her gaze darting to Parker before landing back on me. Swallowing, I wonder, “And what’s that?” “Sunshine, of course. You make these eternal winters so much more bearable.”

Finality has a particular way of making you see every small, precious thing. It opens your eyes with a newfound appreciation for everything that is present and tangible.

The only thing worse than being reminded that he's gone is pretending that he never existed.”

I have to protect my heart. I’m not sure it will survive another loss.”

“I’ll never intentionally hurt you, Melody.” “Intentional or not, it doesn’t hurt any less.”

It’s human condition to latch onto the whys and what ifs because that gives us power when we feel like we have none.

“Fight for her, Parker,” she breathes out, inhaling a frayed breath. “Whoever she is, fight for her in the same way I’ve never stopped fighting for you.” I close my eyes, just as the sun peeks out behind a sky of white clouds. This war might end in bloodshed, but for the very first time, I’m inclined to draw my sword.

Melody continues to fight for something I’ve given her little reason to fight for.

We are both two broken souls, fractured in opposite ways. She loved and lost… And I was lost before I could ever love at all.

“I really like him, Leah, and that scares me. My heart has never felt more vulnerable.” “I think that’s the key to happiness, though, don’t you think?” Her tongue slicks along her upper lip with consideration. “If we never let our guard down, no one would ever be able to reach us.”

“So, you’re Team Parker?” “Girl, I’m Team Melody. Always have been, always will be.”

“Living things thrive on other living things. The energy you give off will be the energy received. Give this little plant the very best version of you, and you can grow together.”

It’s impossible to prepare for loss—especially when you finally have something worth losing.

“My heart ached for you,” she replies softly. “I felt your pain. My compassion makes me a good doctor, but it’s also a curse sometimes. The line between professionalism and humanity becomes blurred.”

maybe this all worked out exactly how it was meant to.”

Time is the greatest measure for healing, after all. It’s the greatest measure for forgetting, too.

“The sun never dies, though. It only sets,” I finish, licking fallen tears from my lips. “Then it rises, and a new day begins.”