The Lair

by Lisina Coney

That I’m not good at anything but being a bother.

Here’s the thing—sometimes, you have to make uncomfortable choices knowing they will set you free later.

“Friends make the world a little brighter,”

Don’t make any impulsive decisions you might regret later. Think about how precious the life you’re building for yourself is, and don’t let anybody ruin it. Not even yourself.”

Yes, someone not yelling at me should be the bare minimum, but I’m not focusing on that.

I’m so delusional.

Trust is a luxury I can’t afford anymore,

No. I love you, and every time you run away, you hurt yourself a little more.

But anxiety knows no reason, no boundaries, and so I keep spiraling.

sometimes we need to be a bit brave in order to get what we want.

Living without fear. I must have done it at one point, but I don’t remember what it feels like anymore.

My mind is being my worst enemy today, that’s all.

Why would he even think that? And why does the butterfly in my stomach open a curious eye at his concern? Go back to sleep. Or better yet—die.

This isn’t me. I don’t know when I turned into this defensive, ready-to-pounce woman, and I don’t like her.

“Not feeling in danger and not being in danger are two very different things,”

I can’t believe some people still have such horrible mindsets. Cavemen, all of them,

My head and my heart need a break from being on edge all the time.

I’ll take any minuscule piece of information about him and treasure it forever.

“Careful, boss man. I might start thinking you tolerate me after all.” “I more than tolerate you, Allie.”

It no longer surprises me that everyone knows everyone in small towns.

You have no idea girl

“Because I want you to be safe at all times, goddammit. If anything happened to you…”

Is that my heart soaring a little? I think so.

“Blood doesn’t always make family,”

I enjoy the here and now, with him, not thinking about my past or my future. Just him.

No matter how strong or brave, we all have weaknesses,

“You’re my favorite person, Travis.” “And you are my weakness, Allie.”

Leaving didn’t make me a coward—it made me a survivor.

I could never come back to a place that never felt like home.

I’ve convinced myself that I’m only a passenger in my life instead of the goddamn driver. I let fear take over. I’ve

“How we share all kinds of stuff on the internet as if it were a private diary. Live locations, pictures of the fronts of our houses, our cars. I feel like we’ve lost sight of the dangers of social media because we’re constantly exposed to it.

For some reason, that makes me cry harder. It’s not that I don’t think I’m strong. I am, for the most part, and nobody can take that away from me. But what’s strength without integrity?

For the first time, I see myself. A person who is finally fulfilling her promise.

“I’m here for you,” he repeats. “Because we don’t belong apart.”

“I’m here because I can’t fucking stand being in my own house knowing you’re not there.”

“Therapy is a long journey.

We all have trauma that could ruin our relationships—what counts is that we work on ourselves to prevent that from happening, and you’re doing it.”

I could always ask, but I enjoy torturing myself.

ME!!!!!

Because Travis feels like the home I never expected to find.

“I felt like I couldn’t breathe in my own house because you weren’t there. It felt empty, soulless.

I will always be your home.

And most importantly, I wouldn’t have found my voice. My authentic voice. Good luck, world, trying to silence me again.

Life is uncertain, but I’ve learned to find the beauty in the unplanned. To appreciate the puzzle pieces falling into place at their own rhythm without having to force them to fit.

And Travis? He shows me every day that I matter. That I deserve to take up space. That I’m lovable. For me, that’s enough.

“I love you, Allie. So much. You’re my life.” His words squeeze my heart. “And you’re mine.”

“Don’t put any pressure on yourself to make it work. There’s no use in worrying about the what-ifs. They’re infinite.”