Project Hail Mary

by Andy Weir

They say hunger is the greatest seasoning. When you’re starving, your brain rewards you handsomely for finally eating. Good job, it says, we get to not die for a while!

Cool thing about pendulums: The time it takes for one to swing forward and backward—the period—won’t change, no matter how wide it swings. If it’s got a lot of energy, it’ll swing farther and faster, but the period will still be the same. This is what mechanical clocks take advantage of to keep time. That period ends up being driven by two things, and two things only: the length of the pendulum and gravity.

All life needs is a chemical reaction that results in copies of the original catalyst. And you don’t need water for that!”

This star I’m looking at…it’s not the sun. I’m in a different solar system.

“I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe.” “You poked it with a stick?” “No!” I said. “Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.”

“I commend your body to the stars.”

Besides, if I had a nickel for every time I wanted to smack a kid’s parents for not teaching them even the most basic things…well…I’d have enough nickels to put in a sock and smack those parents with it.

Light is a funny thing. Its wavelength defines what it can and can’t interact with. Anything smaller than the wavelength is functionally nonexistent to that photon. That’s why there’s a mesh over the window of a microwave. The holes in the mesh are too small for microwaves to pass through. But visible light, with a much shorter wavelength, can go through freely. So you get to watch your food cook without melting your face off.

Oh my gosh! This is it! First Contact! I’m the guy! I’m the guy who meets aliens for the first time!

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but the entire purpose of the Hail Mary is to be a laboratory. One we can send to Tau Ceti to see why that star—and that star alone—is immune to Astrophage.”

Human beings have a remarkable ability to accept the abnormal and make it normal.

Oh thank God. I can’t imagine explaining “sleep” to someone who had never heard of it. Hey, I’m going to fall unconscious and hallucinate for a while. By the way, I spend a third of my time doing this. And if I can’t do it for a while, I go insane and eventually die. No need for concern.

“Well, you’re not alone anymore, buddy,” I say. “Neither of us are.”

“Are all Russians crazy?” “Yes,” he said with a smile. “It is the only way to be Russian and happy at the same time.” “That’s…dark.” “That’s Russian!”

I saw chain whenever I closed my eyes. I dreamed of chain every night. One of my dinner packets was spaghetti and all I could see were smooth, white chains instead of noodles.

“I make new engine,” Rocky says. “Taumoeba turn Astrophage into methane. React with oxygen. Make fire. Make thrust. Get to my ship. Much Astrophage there.” “That’s…not a bad idea.” I pinch my chin. “Use Taumoeba farts to propel ourselves through space.” “No understand word after Taumoeba.” “It’s not important.

“Good good. Enough talk. Check breeder tanks, please.” “Yeah, yeah. Let me get some water first.” He bounces and skitters down his tube to the lab. “Why humans need water so much, question? Inefficient life-forms!” I chug a full liter bag of water I’d left in the control room before the EVA. It’s thirsty work. I wipe my mouth and let the bag float off. I push off the wall to float down the tunnel to the lab. “Eridians need water, too, you know.” “We keep inside. Closed system. Some inefficiencies inside, but we get all water we need from food. Humans leak! Gross.” I laugh as I float into the lab where Rocky is waiting. “On Earth, we have a scary, deadly creature called a spider. You look like one of those. Just so you know.” “Good. Proud. I am scary space monster. You are leaky space blob.”

He bounces back and forth some more. “Erid will live! Earth will live! Everyone live!” He curls the claws of one hand into a ball and presses it against the xenonite. “Fist me!” I push my knuckles against the xenonite. “It’s ‘fist-bump,’ but yeah.”

“You will miss me, question? I will miss you. You are friend.” “Yeah. I’m going to miss you.” I take another swig of vodka. “You’re my friend. Heck, you’re my best friend. And pretty soon we’re going to say goodbye forever.” He tapped two gloved claws together. They made a muffled sound instead of the usual click that comes along with the dismissive gesture. “Not forever. We save planets. Then we have Astrophage technology. Visit each other.” I give a wry grin. “Can we do all that within fifty Earth years?” “Probably not. Why so fast, question?” “I only have fifty years or so left to live. Humans don’t”—I hiccup—“don’t live long, remember?” “Oh.” He’s quiet for a moment. “So we enjoy remaining time together, then go save planets. Then we are heroes!”

“I assume our people will meet up again. I know humans will want to learn all about Erid.” “Yes,” he says. “Thank you for laptop. Centuries of human technology all for our scientists to learn about. You have given greatest gift in history of my people.”

“Goodbye, friend Grace.” I wave meekly. “Goodbye, friend Rocky.”