Project Hail Mary

by Andy Weir

“Yeah,” I said. “This isn’t Vulcans dropping by to say hi. This is…space algae.”

This star I’m looking at…it’s not the sun. I’m in a different solar system.

Okay. I think it’s time I took a long gosh-darned look at these screens! How am I in another solar system?! That doesn’t even make sense! What star is that, anyway?! Oh my God, I am so going to die! I hyperventilate for a while. I remember what I tell my students: If you’re upset, take a deep breath, let it out, and count to ten. It dramatically reduced the number of tantrums in my classroom.

I gasped. “Wait a minute! Am I a guinea pig? I’m a guinea pig!” “No, it’s not like that,” she said. I stared at her. She stared at me. I stared at her.

“Okay, it’s exactly like that,” she said. “Dang it!” I said. “That’s just not cool!” “Don’t be dramatic,” she said.

Cesium-137 (this lab has everything). I called it the “Bruce Banner Test.” Felt good about that name. Anyway, even gamma couldn’t penetrate the little bastards.

“Yes!” I said. “I killed one!” “Good for you,” Stratt said without looking up from her tablet. “First human to kill an alien. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator.” “Okay, I know you’re trying to be funny, but that Predator died by deliberately setting off a bomb. The first human to actually kill a Predator was Michael Harrigan—played by Danny Glover—in Predator 2.”

“How did you do it? What killed it?” “I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe.” “You poked it with a stick?” “No!” I said. “Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.” “It took you two days to think of poking it with a stick.” “You…be quiet.”