Project Hail Mary

by Andy Weir

Time for me to use science. All right, genius brain: come up with something! …I’m hungry. You have failed me, brain.

I pull the stopwatch from my toga (the best ancient Greek philosophers always carried stopwatches in their togas).

“Yes!” I said. “I killed one!” “Good for you,” Stratt said without looking up from her tablet. “First human to kill an alien. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator.” “Okay, I know you’re trying to be funny, but that Predator died by deliberately setting off a bomb. The first human to actually kill a Predator was Michael Harrigan—played by Danny Glover—in Predator 2.” She stared at me through the window for a moment, then shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe.” “You poked it with a stick?” “No!” I said. “Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.”

“It took you two days to think of poking it with a stick.” “You…be quiet.”

I don’t know what she would have wanted said. But at least I will remember her name. “I commend your body to the stars.” It seems appropriate. Maybe corny, but it makes me feel better.

Besides, if I had a nickel for every time I wanted to smack a kid’s parents for not teaching them even the most basic things…well…I’d have enough nickels to put in a sock and smack those parents with it.

Mass conversion. As the great Albert Einstein once said: E = mc2. There’s an absurd amount of energy in mass. A modern nuclear plant can power an entire city for a year with the energy stored in just one kilogram of Uranium. Yes. That’s it. The entire output of a nuclear reactor for a year comes from a single kilogram of mass.

Humanity isn’t alone in the universe. And I’ve just met our neighbors. “Holy fucking shit!”

I don’t want to look dumb in front of the aliens.

I pick up the cylinder and try to pull off the top. It doesn’t budge. On a whim, I try to unscrew it. It also doesn’t budge. But there’s no reason aliens would follow the righty-tighty-lefty-loosey rule, is there?

Human beings have a remarkable ability to accept the abnormal and make it normal.

I stared at Dimitri. “If you’d set off all two grams of that sample at once…” He shrugged. “Fwoosh! We are vapor. All of us. Carrier too. Explosion would make small tsunami. But three hundred kilometers away from land, so is okay.”

He slapped me on the back. “And I would owe you drink in afterlife, yes?! Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Black is the absence of light and white is all frequencies equally reflected.

The bailiff walked forward. “Ma’am. I’ll have to restrain you if you don’t comply.” “You and what army?” Stratt asked.

Five armed men in military fatigues entered the courtroom and took up station around her. “Because I have the U.S. Army,” she said. “And that’s a damn fine army.”

I’ve gone from “sole-surviving space explorer” to “guy with wacky new roommate.”

“Usually you not stupid. Why stupid, question?” “Humans are stupid when we need sleep. And when we take medicine to stop pain. I’m tired and drugged right now.” “You should sleep.” I stand up. “I will in a bit. But first I have to stabilize our orbit. Our apogee and perigee are…well, it’s not a good orbit.” “Adjust orbit while stupid. Good plan.” I snicker. “New word: ‘sarcasm.’ You say opposite of true meaning to make point. Sarcasm.” He chimes the word for “sarcasm” in his language.

“That’s…not a bad idea.” I pinch my chin. “Use Taumoeba farts to propel ourselves through space.”

As soon as I unscrew the first bolt, it slides down the slope of the nose cone and falls away into the unknowable distance. “Um…” I say. “Rocky, you can make screws, right?” “Yes. Easy. Why, question?” “I dropped one.” “Hold screws better.” “How?” “Use hand.” “My hand’s busy with the wrench.” “Use second hand.” “My other hand’s on the hull to keep me steady.” “Use third han—hmm. Get beetles. I make new screws.”

Oh. Okay. I see how it is. I’m not some intrepid explorer who nobly sacrificed his life to save Earth. I’m a terrified man who had to be literally dragged kicking and screaming onto the mission. I’m a coward.

It’s a weird feeling, scientific breakthroughs. There’s no Eureka moment. Just a slow, steady progression toward a goal. But man, when you get to that goal it feels good.

I yawn. “I’m going to sleep soon.” “I watch.” “Good night, Rocky.” “Good night, Grace.” I fall asleep easier than I have in weeks. I have Taumoeba that can save Earth. Modifying an alien life-form. What could possibly go wrong?

I laugh as I float into the lab where Rocky is waiting. “On Earth, we have a scary, deadly creature called a spider. You look like one of those. Just so you know.” “Good. Proud. I am scary space monster. You are leaky space blob.” He points to the breeder tanks. “Check tanks!”

“You will miss me, question? I will miss you. You are friend.” “Yeah. I’m going to miss you.” I take another swig of vodka. “You’re my friend. Heck, you’re my best friend. And pretty soon we’re going to say goodbye forever.”

We’re both quiet for a while. “I guess this is it,” I say. “It is time,” he says. “We go save homeworlds now.” “Yeah.” “You face is leaking.” I wipe my eyes. “Human thing. Don’t worry about it.” “Understand.” He pushes himself along to his airlock door. He opens it and pauses there. “Goodbye, friend Grace.” I wave meekly. “Goodbye, friend Rocky.”

I watch the point of IR light with the Petrovascope. That’s Rocky, headed back to Erid. “Godspeed, buddy,” I say. I set course for Earth and fire up the spin drives. I’m going home.

Right now I have an engineering problem. I wish Rocky were here. I always wish Rocky were here.

I widen my eyes. It’s the first time I’ve felt genuine hope in a long time. “Settled.” He puts his claw against the divider. “Fist my bump.” I laugh and put my knuckles against the xenonite. “Fist-bump. It’s just ‘fist-bump.’ ” “Understand.”

I love meburgers. I eat one every day.