Project Hail Mary

by Andy Weir

“So it’s a case of bad timing, then?” the reporter asked. “I don’t think there’s ever a good time for the sun to get dimmer.” “Good point. Please go on.”

The computer’s not being unreasonable. If I can’t remember my own name, I probably shouldn’t be allowed into delicate areas of the ship.

So I’m a single man in my thirties, who lives alone in a small apartment, I don’t have any kids, but I like kids a lot. I don’t like where this is going… A teacher! I’m a schoolteacher! I remember it now! Oh, thank God. I’m a teacher.

Because what’s the point of even having a world if you’re not going to pass it on to the next generation?

I even put a few Astrophage in a radiation-containment vessel and exposed it to the gamma rays emitted by Cesium-137 (this lab has everything). I called it the “Bruce Banner Test.” Felt good about that name.

Human suffering is often an abstract concept to kids. But animal suffering is something else entirely.

These kids were going to grow up in an idyllic world and be thrown into an apocalyptic nightmare. They were the generation that would experience the Sixth Extinction Event.

“They only get to about ten percent dimmer before they stop dimming. We don’t know why. It’s not obvious to the naked eye, but—” “But if our sun dims by ten percent, we’re all dead,” I said.

I clench my teeth. I clench my fists. I clench my butt. I clench every part of me that I know how to clench. It gives me a feeling of control. I’m doing something by aggressively doing nothing.

Interesting that they have the same propulsion tech as we do. But considering it’s the best energy-storage medium possible, that’s not a surprise. When European mariners first came across Asian mariners, no one was surprised they both used sails.

I have that long to get in an EVA suit, go outside, and position myself on the hull for humanity’s first touchdown-pass reception with an alien quarterback.

I’ve decided “Taulight” is a word, by the way. Light from Tau Ceti. It’s not “sunlight.” Tau Ceti isn’t the sun. So…Taulight.

They might be looking at their screens right now and saying, “What is this idiot doing? Is he poking a hole in his own ship? Why?”

The hull robot is sitting next to it, looking proud of itself. I may be anthropomorphizing a tad.

I bet those are going to be the most heavily studied lamps in the history of lamps.

That alone is amazing when I think about it. He’s from a different planet, and totally different evolutionary line, but we ended up with compatible sound ranges.

We don’t have remotely compatible environments. I’d die in seconds if I were on his side of the tunnel. And my guess is he wouldn’t do well in one twenty-ninth his normal atmospheric pressure and with no ammonia at all.

“Wow…” I stare at him. “Humans spent thousands of years looking up at the stars and wondering what was out there. You guys never saw stars at all but you still worked space travel. What an amazing people you Eridians must be. Scientific geniuses.”

“And to streamline situations like this, I also have a preemptive pardon from the president of the United States for any and all crimes I am accused of within U.S. jurisdictions.”

“You and what army?” Stratt asked. Five armed men in military fatigues entered the courtroom and took up station around her. “Because I have the U.S. Army,” she said. “And that’s a damn fine army.”

I’m excited to see this play out in the movie.

The oldest words in a language are usually the shortest.

Language is kind of an exponential system. The more words you know, the easier it is to describe new ones.

Oh thank God. I can’t imagine explaining “sleep” to someone who had never heard of it. Hey, I’m going to fall unconscious and hallucinate for a while. By the way, I spend a third of my time doing this. And if I can’t do it for a while, I go insane and eventually die. No need for concern.

They sleep unpredictable amounts of time. I guess there’s no rule saying sleep has to evolve as a regular pattern.

“I’ve spent my whole life in the energy sector, so obviously Astrophage is really interesting to me. A storage medium like that—man, if it weren’t for what it’s doing to the sun, it would be the greatest stroke of luck for humanity in history.”

But he didn’t design it for efficiency. He designed it for scalability.”

“Can you get China to orient their industrial base around making blackpanels? Not just them but pretty much every industrial nation on Earth? That’s what it would take.”

“Why did other humans on you ship die, question?” Rocky asks. Oh. So we’re going to talk about that?

How can a civilization develop space travel without ever discovering radiation?

“I know. Did you hear that global warming has been almost undone?” She nodded. “Humanity’s recklessness with our environment accidentally bought us an extra month of time by pre-heating the planet.”

“The math of famine is actually pretty easy. Take all the calories the world creates with farming and agriculture per day, and divide by about fifteen hundred. The human population cannot be greater than that number. Not for long, anyway.”

“Humanity has been accidentally causing global warming for a century. Let’s see what we can do when we really set our minds to it.”

When the alternative is death to your entire species, things are very easy. No moral dilemmas, no weighing what’s best for whom. Just a single-minded focus on getting this project working.”

Each plate is a pentagon about a centimeter thick and a foot across. I hate myself for thinking in hybrid units like that. But that’s what my brain came up with.

I’ve gone from “sole-surviving space explorer” to “guy with wacky new roommate.”

“Okay, okay.” I grab my EVA suit. “I’ll do it. Jerk.” “No understand last word.” “Not important.” I climb into the suit and close the rear flap.

Deadline-induced quality issues: a problem all over the galaxy.

“Earth years?” “Yes,” he says a little sharply. “Always Earth units. You are bad at math, so always Earth units.”

There are old Eridians out there who were alive when Columbus discovered (a bunch of people already living in) North America.

Either of the helicopters could easily have carried all six astronauts, but Stratt had a very strict rule: Under no circumstances could any crewmember and their backup share a plane, helicopter, or car. Each position was specialized and would require years of specific training. We wouldn’t want one car crash to ruin humanity’s chances of survival.

“You’re the world’s leading expert on Astrophage biology.

“Hello!” Ilyukhina lunged forward and hugged Stratt. “I’m here to die for Earth! Pretty awesome, yes?!” I leaned to Dimitri. “Are all Russians crazy?” “Yes,” he said with a smile. “It is the only way to be Russian and happy at the same time.”

It’s kind of cool that the arms will hand me a cup when there’s gravity, but a pouch when there isn’t. I’ll remember this when writing up the Hail Mary’s Yelp review.

“Human eyes are amazing organ. Jealous.”

Annie held up her hand. “Oh, sorry. One more thing—” She turned to DuBois. “Martin, we have about fifteen minutes of personal time after this lesson and before our next training exercise. Want to meet up in the bathroom down the hall and have sex?” “I find that agreeable,” said DuBois. “Thank you, Dr. Shapiro.” “Okay, cool.”

Then again, my students all have eyes and they were still amazed when I told them “x-rays,” “microwaves,” “Wi-Fi,” and “purple” were all just wavelengths of light.

“Isn’t it amazing? Astrophage, I mean? It’s like…the coolest thing ever! Again, God’s just handing us the future!” “Cool?” I said. “It’s an extinction-level event. If anything, God’s handing us the apocalypse.”

I saw chain whenever I closed my eyes. I dreamed of chain every night. One of my dinner packets was spaghetti and all I could see were smooth, white chains instead of noodles.

“When DuBois requisitioned one nanogram of Astrophage from the research center’s quartermaster, they gave him one milligram by mistake. And since the containers are the same and the quantities are so small, he and Shapiro had no way of knowing.” “Oh God.” I rubbed my eyes. “That’s literally a million times the heat-energy release than they were expecting. It vaporized the building and everyone in it. God.”

“There’s no one as qualified as you. Frankly, we’re lucky—lucky beyond our wildest dreams—that you happen to be coma-resistant. Do you think I kept you on the project for so long because I needed a junior high schoolteacher around?” “Oh…” I said.