Project Hail Mary

by Andy Weir

I’m a scientist! Now we’re getting somewhere! Time for me to use science. All right, genius brain: come up with something! …I’m hungry. You have failed me, brain.

The situation was dire and deadly, but it was also the norm. Londoners during the Blitz in World War II went about their day as normal, with the understanding that occasionally buildings get blown up. However desperate things were, someone still had to deliver milk.

“No, it’s not like that,” she said. I stared at her. She stared at me. I stared at her. “Okay, it’s exactly like that,” she said.

“How did you do it? What killed it?” “I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe.” “You poked it with a stick?” “No!” I said. “Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.” “It took you two days to think of poking it with a stick.” “You…be quiet.”

I stand up and look to the bodies. No longer a stern commander; no longer a cheerful friend. Just two empty husks that once held souls but now barely looked human. They deserve more than this. They deserve a burial.

Besides, if I had a nickel for every time I wanted to smack a kid’s parents for not teaching them even the most basic things…well…I’d have enough nickels to put in a sock and smack those parents with it.

They were the generation that would experience the Sixth Extinction Event.

I felt a cramp in the pit of my stomach. I was looking out at a room full of children. Happy children. And there was a good chance some of them would literally die of starvation.

I’m on a suicide mission. John, Paul, George, and Ringo get to go home, but my long and winding road ends here. I must have known all this when I volunteered. But to my amnesia-riddled brain this is new information. I’m going to die out here. And I’m going to die alone.

“That’s…! Dimitri, I want to hang out with you. Like—can we hang out? I’ll buy you a beer. Or vodka. Or anything. I bet there’s an officers’ club on this boat, right?”

“Oh gosh…” I whimper. “Gosh…this is…”

O.O

Human brains are amazing things. We can get used to just about anything. I’m making the adjustment.

“You’ve been a bad alien cylinder,” I say to it. “You need a time-out.”

I guess xenon makes pretty strong material when you get it to react with things. It infuriates my tender scientist’s heart! I try to put it out of my head and get back to the task at hand.

“This is cleaning area. Squeegee wipes dead Astrophage off revolver.”

“Ms. Stratt. How far is carrier from closest land?” Dimitri asked. “About three hundred kilometers,” she said. “This is good.” “Wait, why?” I said. “Why is that good?” Dimitri pursed his lips. “It is…good. Time for science!”

I stared at Dimitri. “If you’d set off all two grams of that sample at once…” He shrugged. “Fwoosh! We are vapor. All of us. Carrier too. Explosion would make small tsunami. But three hundred kilometers away from land, so is okay.” He slapped me on the back. “And I would owe you drink in afterlife, yes?! Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

He waves to me with a free arm. He knows one human greeting and by golly he plans to use it.

I point to my clock, still taped to the wall, and then to his. He does the jazz hands with two of the hands he’s not using at the moment. I do jazz hands back.

He pulls the tape out a bit, then lets it snap back. He’s clearly surprised, even though he must have known it was coming. He releases it entirely and lets it spin in front of him. He grabs it and does it again. Then again. And again.

Rocky is still playing with the tape measure. Now he’s really having a ball. He pulls the tape out as far as he can, which is about a meter, then releases both the tape and the tape measure at the same time. The resulting recoil and snap-back makes the tape measure spin wildly in front of him. “♩♪♫♪!!!” he says. I’m pretty sure that was a squeal of glee.

“Wow…” I stare at him. “Humans spent thousands of years looking up at the stars and wondering what was out there. You guys never saw stars at all but you still worked space travel. What an amazing people you Eridians must be. Scientific geniuses.” The knot in the tape comes loose, recoils wildly, and smacks Rocky’s hand. He shakes the affected hand in pain for a moment, then continues messing with the tape measure. “Yeah. You’re definitely a scientist.”

Rocky taps the divider louder than before now that I’m here. He points to the Popsicle-stick numbers I taped to the divider and then to his clock. He balls one of his hands into a fist.

“We’re part of the ecology, Ms. Stratt. We’re not outside it. The plants we eat, the animals we ranch, the air we breathe—it’s all part of the tapestry. It’s all connected. As the biomes collapse, it’ll have a direct impact on humanity.”

He seals the globe around himself with glue. “I test.” He just floats there for a minute. Then, he says, “Works! Happy!”

“This is my lab,” I say. “All the science happens here.” “Good good good room!” he squeals. His voice is a full octave higher than normal. “Want to understand all!”

“I’ll answer any questions you have,” I say. “Later. More rooms!” “More rooms!” I say dramatically.

He’s quiet for a moment. “Much time here. Much time alone.”

“Earth years?” “Yes,” he says a little sharply. “Always Earth units. You are bad at math, so always Earth units.”

“Why you so surprised, question?” Rocky asks. “How long do humans live, question?”

He's gonna be so sad Rockyyyyyyy

He clicks two claws together. “Then we work. We work now! Learn how to kill Astrophage. You return to Earth. You explain. Save Earth!” I sigh. I’m going to have to explain this eventually. May as well be now. “I’m not going back. I’m going to die here.” His carapace shudders. “Why, question?”

“You knew this when you left Earth, question?” “Yes.” “You are good human.”

I fall back into my seat. I pant. I almost hyperventilate. My eyes well up. “Oh my God…” “No understand.” I wipe away tears. “You are okay, question?”

“Yes!” I sob. “Yes, I’m okay. Thank you! Thank you thank you!” “I am happy. You no die. Let’s save planets!” I break down, crying tears of joy. I’m going to live!

“Hello!” Ilyukhina lunged forward and hugged Stratt. “I’m here to die for Earth! Pretty awesome, yes?!”

“Amaze is wrong word,” he says. “Amaze is compliment. Better word is ♫♪♫♪.” “What’s that mean?” “It is when person not act normal. Danger to self.” “Ah,” I say, adding the new chord into my language database. “Crazy. My word for that is ‘crazy.’ ” “Crazy. Humans are crazy.” I shrug.

“I have been well, thank you. Dr. Shapiro and I have begun a sexual relationship.” I paused. “Um. Okay.”

“It’s quite pleasurable.” “I’m sure it is.” “In any event, I thought you should know.” “Yeah, no, sure.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” “You get.” “Ugh,” I groan. “EVAs are so much work!” “Lazy human. Go get!”

“Amaze.”

Amaze.

Rocky literally bounces off the tunnel walls. “Amaze! Amaze amaze amaze!”

I press my knuckles against the tunnel wall. “Fist-bump!” “What, question?” I rap the tunnel again. “This. Do this.” He emulates my gesture against the wall opposite my hand. “Celebration!” I say. “Celebration!”

And I’m not her number two! I’m just a scientist—drafted into this project like the rest of you!” Yáo turned around and stared at me for a moment. The room fell silent. He didn’t speak much, so when he did, people paid attention. “You are the number two,” he said. Then he turned back to the screen.

He pauses. “Strange story.” I perk up. Always up for a strange story.

“Be careful,” says Rocky. “You are friend now.” “Thanks,” I say. “You are friend also.” “Thank.”

“I’m ready.” “Be very ready.” “I am very ready. Be calm.” “Am calm. You be calm.” “No, you be cal—wait. I see the sampler!”

“Nnnng,” I say. I meant to say Oh God, but I can’t breathe anymore.

“Rocky!” I grab his carapace without thinking. It’s like putting my hands on a burner. I jerk away. “Rocky…no…” But he is motionless.

“Usually you not stupid. Why stupid, question?”

“Adjust orbit while stupid. Good plan.”