Project Hail Mary

by Andy Weir

Have I met spacefaring cavemen? Stop being stupid, Ryland.

“All right,” I say. “Let’s see what you left me.” “♩♫♪♪♫,” says Rocky. My jaw drops. Yes, I’m in zero g. It still drops.

No more pantomime. It’s time to learn Eridianese. Yes, I just made up that word. No, I don’t feel bad about it. I’m doing a lot of things for the first time in human history out here and there’s a lot of stuff that needs naming. Just be glad I don’t name stuff after myself.

Oh thank God. I can’t imagine explaining “sleep” to someone who had never heard of it. Hey, I’m going to fall unconscious and hallucinate for a while. By the way, I spend a third of my time doing this. And if I can’t do it for a while, I go insane and eventually die. No need for concern. I add his word for “sleep” to the dictionary. I turn to leave. “I’m going to sleep now. I’ll come back in twenty-nine thousand seconds.” “I observe,” he says. “You observe?” “I observe.” “Uh…” He wants to watch me sleep? In any other context that would be creepy, but when you’re studying a new life-form it’s appropriate, I guess.

“Not necessary.” “You observe, question?” he asks again. “No.” “Observe.” “You want me to observe you sleep?” “Yes. Want want want.” Through unspoken agreement, a tripled word means extreme emphasis. “Why?” “I sleep better if you observe.” “Why?”

“Well, you’re not alone anymore, buddy,” I say. “Neither of us are.”

Dr. François Leclerc.”

Wow, not F1 teaching me how to pronounce this better than the narrator

He scowled at her. “Okay. Nineteen years.” “Nineteen years?” “You wanted a number,” he said. “There’s a number. Nineteen years.” “Okay, what’s nineteen years?” “That’s my estimate for when half the people currently alive will be dead. Nineteen years from now.”

“Nonsense,” she said. “Humanity has been accidentally causing global warming for a century. Let’s see what we can do when we really set our minds to it.” He drew back. “What? Are you kidding?”

I try to imagine the desperation of his people. With a space program far behind Earth’s, no knowledge of what’s outside, and still making an interstellar ship in a bid to save their race.

“Possible we are family.”

He turned back to me. “So here I am. Environmental activist. Climatologist. Antiwar crusader.” He looked out to sea. “And I’m ordering a nuclear strike on Antarctica. Two hundred and forty-one nuclear weapons, courtesy of the United States, buried fifty meters deep along a fissure at three-kilometer intervals. All going off at the same time.”

When the alternative is death to your entire species, things are very easy. No moral dilemmas, no weighing what’s best for whom.

Stratt put her hand on his shoulder. “You did what you had to do. We’re all doing what we have to do.” He buried his face in his hands and cried.

I spend the next hour tidying up. I wasn’t expecting company.

You and me science how to kill Astrophage together. Save Earth. Save Erid. This is good plan, question?”

I’ve gone from “sole-surviving space explorer” to “guy with wacky new roommate.” It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out.

“Okay, okay.” I grab my EVA suit. “I’ll do it. Jerk.” “No understand last word.” “Not important.”

Eight hundred pounds and can skitter around effortlessly. Mental note: Do not get in an arm-wrestling match with an Eridian.

“I am happy. You no die. Let’s save planets!” I break down, crying tears of joy. I’m going to live!

I put my hand to my chest in mock surprise. “Goodness me! DuBois appears to be black! I’m surprised you allowed it! Aren’t you afraid he’ll ruin the mission with talk of rap music and basketball?” “Oh, shut up,” she said.

“Are all Russians crazy?” “Yes,” he said with a smile. “It is the only way to be Russian and happy at the same time.” “That’s…dark.” “That’s Russian!”

Stupid humanity. Getting in the way of my hobbies.

“Human eyes are amazing organ. Jealous.”

“We live in bleak times,” I said. He folded his hands in front of him. “Dr. Shapiro and I do not see it that way. We are enjoying very active sexual encounters.” “Yeah, okay, I don’t need to know—” “No need for condoms either. She is on birth control and we have both had extremely thorough medical examinations as part of the program.” I typed on my computer, hoping he’d change the subject. “It’s quite pleasurable.” “I’m sure it is.”

They both looked to me, ready for their lesson. I waited a few seconds to make sure there was no more oversharing, but they seemed content. “Okay, so the Krebs cycle in Astrophage has a variant—wait. Do you call her Dr. Shapiro while having sex?” “Of course. That’s her name.” “I kind of like it,” she said. “I’m sorry I asked,” I said. “Now, the Krebs cycle…”

“Be careful,” says Rocky. “You are friend now.” “Thanks,” I say. “You are friend also.”

“Sample device radio signal strong,” Rocky says. “Getting closer. Be ready.” “I’m ready.” “Be very ready.” “I am very ready. Be calm.” “Am calm. You be calm.” “No, you be cal—wait. I see the sampler!”

“Rocky!” I grab his carapace without thinking. It’s like putting my hands on a burner. I jerk away. “Rocky…no…” But he is motionless.

Humans leak! Gross.” I laugh as I float into the lab where Rocky is waiting. “On Earth, we have a scary, deadly creature called a spider. You look like one of those. Just so you know.” “Good. Proud. I am scary space monster. You are leaky space blob.”

“You will miss me, question? I will miss you. You are friend.” “Yeah. I’m going to miss you.” I take another swig of vodka. “You’re my friend. Heck, you’re my best friend. And pretty soon we’re going to say goodbye forever.”

“Rocky?!” “Grace, question?” “Yes!” I’ve never been so happy to hear a few musical notes! “Yeah, buddy! It’s me!” “You are here, question?!” his voice is so high-pitched I can barely understand him. But I understand Eridian pretty well now. “Yes! I’m here!” “You are…” he squeaks. “You…” he squeaks again. “You are here!”