Project Hail Mary

by Andy Weir

I know what’s going on here. They say hunger is the greatest seasoning. When you’re starving, your brain rewards you handsomely for finally eating. Good job, it says, we get to not die for a while!

“Self-ambulation detected,” says the computer. “What’s your name?” “I am Emperor Comatose. Kneel before me.” “Incorrect.”

What the fudge is going on?! Fudge? Seriously? Maybe I have young kids. Or I’m deeply religious.

Come on, you know that.” “No, I don’t know that. I used to know that. Now I only know the sun’s dying,” she said. “I don’t know why and I don’t know what we could do about it. But I know it’s dying.”

I held up my hand. “Wait. The Russians, Canadians, and Americans all just do whatever you tell them?” “Yes. Without question.” “Are you joshing me with all this?!”

A small click from the hatch is the only response I get. After all the meditation and introspection I did to find out my own name, I wish there’d been something more exciting. Confetti, maybe.

It sends x-rays into a sample, making it emit photons and you can tell from the wavelengths of the photons what elements are present.” “And what did that tell you?” “Nothing. As far as I can tell, these dots just absorb x-rays. The x-rays go in and they never come out. Nothing comes out. That’s very odd. I can’t think of anything that does that.”

“It’s crazy odd,” I said. “But these things live on the sun. At least some of the time.

penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe.” “You poked it with a stick?” “No!” I said. “Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.” “It took

“Sure,” I said. “You just wanted someone to tell you what you already know. If you leave the crew awake, there’s nothing you can do about the psychosis risk. But we’ve got years to perfect the automated-coma-bed technology.”

“Besides. We’re already asking these people to die. We shouldn’t ask them to suffer emotional torment for four years too. Science and morality both give the same answer here, and you know it.”

“All right,” I say. “Let’s see what you left me.” “♩♫♪♪♫,” says Rocky. My jaw drops. Yes, I’m in zero g. It still drops.

“You have a language!” I say. “How do you have a language?! You don’t have a mouth!” “♫♫♩,” Rocky explains.

“Amaze. I gave choices for different ♫♩♪♫ of sound. Never thought of light.”

“You damage self to save me. Thank.” “You did the same thing. Is your radiator organ okay? You were on fire and got full of soot and oxides.” “It healing.” He points to the soot all along the wall and floor. “This come from inside me, question?” “Yes.” “How it leave me, question?”

He tilts his carapace slightly. “You seal sample and can no access sample, question?” “Yes.” “Usually you not stupid. Why stupid, question?” “Humans are stupid when we need sleep. And when we take medicine to stop pain. I’m tired and drugged right now.” “You should sleep.”

She walked back to the door and knocked on it. A guard opened it up. “Anyway. I just wanted you to know why I’m doing this. I owed you that.” “Go to hell.” “Oh, I will, believe me. You three are going to Tau Ceti. The rest of us are going to hell. More accurately, hell is coming to us.” — Yeah? Well, hell’s coming back to you, Stratt. In the form of me. I’m hell.

I finish off the last bite of my meburger and gulp down the vitamin-enriched soda. I put my dishes in the sink and check the clock on my kitchen wall. Wow, is it VℓIλλ already? I better hurry up. My first few years on Erid were touch-and-go.

I don’t feel bad about it. Spend a decade eating nothing but odd-tasting, vaguely sweet vitamin shakes and then see if you’ll turn down a burger. I love meburgers. I eat one every day.

We won. We did it! Rocky cocks his carapace. “Hey, your face is leaking! I haven’t seen that in a long-ass time! Remind me—does that mean you’re happy or sad? ’Cause it can mean either one, right?” “I’m happy, of course!” I sob. “Yeah, I thought so. Just checking.” He holds a balled claw against the xenonite. “Is this a fist-bump situation?”

“Who here can tell me the speed of light?” Twelve kids raise their claws.