Alchemised

by SenLinYu

She had to endure. To stay alert. That way she would be ready. She had to stay ready. She would not let herself fade away.

There was no use in a healer when everyone was dead.

“Everyone who wins says they were good, but they’re the ones who tell the story. They get to choose how we’ll remember it.

“I promised I’d do anything for you.” She curled her fingers into a fist. “Maybe you didn’t realise how far I was willing to go.”

“I will die before I lose her,”

“Oh, Marino.” His thumb trailed along her neck, following the scar below her jaw. “If I’d known what pain you’d cause me, I never would have taken you.”

“I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat. It is a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them.”

“Don’t die, Marino. I might miss you.”

“You gave me to him,” she said, her voice full of fury. “Now, and after the war. Those were the terms. You said it was Ferron or lose, and so I chose him. When was he ever expected to let me go?”

She couldn’t fix herself anymore, and no one else seemed inclined to even notice she was breaking.

You are all alone, and when the war is over, you will still be alone.

“You know, there’s something about you, Marino, that inspires the most terrible decisions from me. I’ll know better, but then I’ll still…”

“You’re like a rose in a graveyard,”

“You made me feel like the parts of me that aren’t useful still deserve to exist. Like I’m not just all the things I can do.”

A healer and killer, circling slowly, the push and pull inexorable.

“You don’t get to lie to me and then get angry when I make the mistake of believing you,”

“So sorry I wasn’t the puppet you wanted,”

“The price keeps getting higher,” she said quietly. “I don’t know if I can keep paying

She wanted him to know. It was real. For her, it had always been real.

“You are not expendable. You don’t get to push everyone away so that they’ll feel comfortable using you and letting you die.”

“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.”

“I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”

“You’re mine,”

“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

“You’re mine. You’re mine.” He’d repeat the words over and over. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”

“I promise, Kaine. I’m always going to be yours.”

We don’t get to choose when we’ve done enough and leave others behind to bear the consequences.

“Being alive is not the same as living. I hope someday you’ll have a chance to realise the difference.”

She had thought she could do anything. That she was strong enough for it. That there would be no limit to what she was willing to do or endure. Apparently, Kaine had become her limit.

She couldn’t imagine herself without him. She didn’t think she’d even exist anymore.

Stop trying to carry a whole damned war on your shoulders.”

“If you die, Helena, I’m done. I won’t continue this. I’m tired.”

I will always love you. I will always take care of you.

“I promised I’d do anything for you.” She curled her fingers into a fist. “Maybe you didn’t realise how far I was willing to go.”

“I promised to take care of you first,” she said, snatching her hand back. “Always. I promised you always. If you’d gotten your way, you would have sent me off, and I wouldn’t have even remembered you. Wouldn’t have had any idea until it was too late—”

“You shouldn’t have assumed I’d be willing to lose you,” she said. “Did you think I cared less because I had other obligations? That I don’t feel things as much as you? I did everything I could to keep you safe. You don’t know all the things I did.”

“I don’t want to choose. I always have to choose, and I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.”

Devastating

“The first promise I made to you was that I’d be yours for as long as I live. I’m keeping that one.”

Living is not worth it to me if you’re the one who keeps paying the price for it.

“We said always, didn’t we?” she asked, her voice strained. “Always. Well, if you don’t want that promise in full any longer, I’ll give it to you in increments.” She clutched his hand tighter. “Every day. I’ll choose you. That way you’ll know it’s still what I want.”

“Love isn’t as pretty or pure as people like to think. There’s a darkness in it sometimes. Kaine and I go hand in hand. I made him who he is.

If he’s a monster, then I’m his creator.”