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She had to endure. To stay alert. That way she would be ready. She had to stay ready. She would not let herself fade away.
All she knew was that as long as those manacles remained locked in place, she wasn’t an alchemist at all.
She looked up at him. “You’re a monster.” He raised an eyebrow. “Noticed that, have you?”
“Well, I’m not the one to blame for that.” He turned to walk on. “Besides, if I didn’t leave you on the floor retching, you might make the mistake of thinking I care.” Helena inclined her head. “Yes. You seem strangely concerned about me thinking such a thing.” Ferron froze for an instant, then turned back, a cruel smile thawing his face. “Your friends must have thought very little of you, if this seems like care.”
“I swear it, on the spirits of the five gods and my own soul, Kaine Ferron, I’m yours as long as I live.”
He still flinched every time she touched him.
Undying. Murderer. Spy. Target. Tool. She repeated the list to herself, but her conviction in them rang hollow. The motives Crowther attributed to Kaine felt like an ill-fitted façade, something that Kaine hid behind.
He caught her chin, tilting her head back until her eyes met his. There was a vaguely silver gleam in them.
He leaned forward, so close she could feel his breath. For a moment she thought he was going to kiss her. “You’re so pragmatic.” The words brushed against her lips. He released her chin abruptly and stepped away, eyes glittering.
Her anger reignited. “You have no idea how hard it is to save someone, to fix all the ways the people like you break them.” She glared at him. “I hope someday you have to try. See how little you think of it then.”
“You know, there’s something about you, Marino, that inspires the most terrible decisions from me. I’ll know better, but then I’ll still…” His voice trailed off as he tucked a stray curl behind her ear, finger running along her jaw.
“You’re like a rose in a graveyard,” he said, and his lips twisted into a bitter smile. “I wonder what you could have turned into without the war.”
She knew that people enjoyed sex, but she had always thought it was an indulgence. She had not known it was a hunger. Or that she was starving.
“You made me feel like the parts of me that aren’t useful still deserve to exist. Like I’m not just all the things I can do.”
“You don’t get to lie to me and then get angry when I make the mistake of believing you,” Helena said.
It was possibly a kiss goodbye. She wanted him to know. It was real. For her, it had always been real.
But his eyes… She could tell— He was hers. The realisation broke her heart.
Of course you’d weaponise your guilt in order to use mine.” He gave a low bitter laugh. “I’m sure there’s something poetic in it all, but right now all I feel is a new set of manacles.”
“Remind Crowther that if the Eternal Flame wants my continued assistance, they will keep you alive.”
My loyalty was to those least responsible for her suffering, but if the Eternal Flame has decided that you are an affordable casualty, I will not be noble or understanding. I can exact dual revenge. I will make them pay if they get you killed.”
“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.”
Kaine cradled her face in his hands as he returned her kiss, pulling her closer, his arms wrapping around her.
“You don’t have to push me away to protect me,” he said in a hard, familiar voice. “I can take it. You can stop being lonely. I won’t misunderstand. I know you just want someone to be with.”
“This—is the way I wanted it to be,” she admitted. “With you. I wanted it to be like this with you.” He went very still. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry it wasn’t,” he finally said, pulling her closer.
When he kissed her, it felt like the beginning of something that could be eternal.
“Helena.” Kaine’s lips brushed across her cheek and temple, his breath ragged. “You get to have this. You’re allowed to feel good things. Don’t be alone. Have this with me.”
“I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”
“You’re mine,” he said against her lips, his fingers sliding along her throat, tangling in her hair, holding her fast as he dragged her nearer.
He pulled her close, crushing her to his chest. “You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”
She was locked in the dangerous embrace of Kaine Ferron, and it felt like home.
His hands slid up around her throat, warm and possessive, thumb covering the scar below her jaw as he kissed between her eyes.
she began to fix her hair. “I hate your hair like that,” he said, startling her. She looked up. “I could crop it instead.” He looked so offended that she laughed.
“Call me, and I will come.”
“You’re mine. You’re mine.” He’d repeat the words over and over. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”
“I promise, Kaine. I’m always going to be yours.”
“You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.” He always did.
The war was a cage with no escape.
I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the entire Order of the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them. Given that the risk to their lives is the only way to make you value your own.”
It doesn’t matter what happens to you, you will still be mine.”
I love you. She told him in the way she let go of herself and held on to him instead. With every beat of her heart. I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.
“Mine. You’re mine,” he said as he kissed her. “Always.”
“You’re mine,” he said almost against her lips. “Mine. You swore it. Your Resistance sold you to me. I’m not going anywhere without you. And if anyone touches you, immortal or not, I will kill them.”
His expression softened as she stopped struggling. “We had a good run, but we were never going to last.”
She would redirect her thoughts, transmute her memories until her mind stopped running to him. She couldn’t confess to something she didn’t remember.
Her hand. Her left hand was burning. The ring. Her heart stalled. Kaine. He’d come back and found her gone. She’d told him she’d be waiting, and she wasn’t there. The ring burned again and again and again. He was looking for her. He’d come for her. He always did.
“You looked for me?” Her voice cracked. A look of anguish flashed across his eyes. “Of course I looked for you. I looked everywhere for you. Did you think I left you there?”
He looked up at her, his face hardening. “You always said you wouldn’t choose me over everyone else. I am chained to a sinking ship. I will not take you with me.” “I was lying!” The words came out a scream. “I didn’t—I couldn’t—I wasn’t g-g—”
“I promised to take care of you first,” she said, snatching her hand back. “Always. I promised you always. If you’d gotten your way, you would have sent me off, and I wouldn’t have even remembered you. Wouldn’t have had any idea until it was too late—”
“Every time you asked, I promised I was yours. Always. There aren’t any exemptions or expiration dates on always.”
