Alchemised

by SenLinYu

“You’re a monster.”

“Noticed that, have you?”

In Orion’s work, alchemisation was predicated upon spiritual purity; only an alchemist with a soul as pure as the metal they sought to create could alchemise it.

“You’re pregnant.” Helena felt nothing at first. The words were abstract. Conceptual. Then they ran her through like a longsword. There were no emotions built up inside her, though; Ferron had ripped them out, and she was still empty. So she fell inwards. It was like being forced deep under freezing water: no air, simply unending pressure that crushed her on all sides. Her heart surged until the roar of her blood was all she could hear.

“I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat. It is a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them.”

“Because I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the entire Order of the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them. Given that the risk to their lives is the only way to make you value your own.”

“What exactly is it that you think I do with all my time? I kill people. I order other people to kill people. I train people to kill people. I sabotage and undermine people so that they will be killed, and I do it all because of you. Every word. Every life. Because of you.”

“I think your scars are prettier than mine,” she finally said. “I have a better healer.”

You’re mine.” He let go of her wrist and lifted his hand, the fingertips tracing the scarring until it was covered by his palm, warm against her bare skin, then sliding up to curve around her neck. “You are. It doesn’t matter what happens to you, you will still be mine.”

I love you. It was right at the tip of her tongue, but she hesitated, biting the words back. There was a part of her that felt she might doom them if she said it. If there were important things left unspoken, tomorrow would come. She kissed him instead. I love you. She told him in the way she held him close; in the way her mouth met his; in how her hands trailed across his skin, mapping him, memorising every detail of what it was to be with him, his scars under her fingers. I love you. I love you. She told him in the way she let go of herself and held on to him instead. With every beat of her heart. I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.

“Mine. You’re mine,” he said as he kissed her. “Always.”

Someday, she promised herself, someday I am going to love him in a moment that isn’t stolen.

If the Eternal Flame wanted to win, they should have made better choices. They all knew the risks, but that was never enough incentive for them. They refused to pay the price that victory demands, and I am sick of watching you try to pay it for them.”

“You’re mine,” she said, heart pounding unsteadily against her ribs. “Did you really think I would still hate you once I remembered?” She shook her head. “Even before I did, you were the only thing that ever felt safe. I thought I was going mad, but a part of me always knew you. I left a note. Didn’t you get my note? I love you.” He flinched as if struck and started to shake his head, but she stilled him, forcing him to meet her eyes. “I do,” she said more firmly, her voice shaking with intensity. “I love you. And I always will. Always.” She rose up on her toes, pulling him closer, and kissed him. He stayed frozen when her lips touched his. “I love you,” she said the words against his mouth, as if breathing them into him. He was still a moment longer and then shook, his palms cradling her face, fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her closer, his mouth burning as he kissed her. He kissed her like he was starving. As though he were trying to pour himself into her or consume her. He’s mine. He is all mine, was all she could think. She wrapped her arms around his neck, meeting every caress of his lips on hers. He drew back just enough to speak, his palm curved around the nape of her neck, his forehead resting on hers. “I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for everything I did to you,” he said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I love you. You left, and I’d never told you.”

“I don’t want to choose. I always have to choose, and I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.”

“You’re not choosing. You promised me anything I wanted. I want you to stop breaking yourself trying to save me. Go. Live. Tell our daughter I saved you both. That—is what I want.”

“Helena, I’m tired.” She looked up and saw it in his eyes. The war had eaten him; it had carved him to the bone and not stopped even then. He was scarcely more than a ghost.

“You promised we’d run away together,” she said. “Remember?” He dipped his head. “Why is it that I have to keep all my promises, but you never seem to keep a single one of yours?” She shook her head, tilting up her face so their foreheads touched. “The first promise I made to you was that I’d be yours for as long as I live. I’m keeping that one.”

“Kaine…” he said. Kaine lifted his head just enough to look at what remained of his father. Kaine’s face was exhausted, and pained, but the malice and hatred was gone as he stared at Atreus. “Father…” Atreus’s whole face seemed to soften. He started to reach out, but Amaris snarled in warning, and his long fingers curled away. “Your mother was always so proud of you. She said you were the best thing we ever made.” Then Atreus looked at Helena. “Save him.”

“When you killed Morrough, what did you think about?” Helena asked. Lila’s mouth snapped shut, and she looked away, her face growing anguished. “Luc. I was thinking of everything he did to Luc.”

“Love isn’t as pretty or pure as people like to think. There’s a darkness in it sometimes. Kaine and I go hand in hand. I made him who he is. I knew what that array meant when I saved him. If he’s a monster, then I’m his creator.”