Alchemised

by SenLinYu

The kisses were slow. It wasn’t seething or rushed or guilty, but it was still desperate, because he always made her desperate. She kissed him the way she’d wanted to. The way she’d secretly wished she could.

“This—is the way I wanted it to be,” she admitted. “With you. I wanted it to be like this with you.”

When he kissed her, it felt like the beginning of something that could be eternal.

“I think I’ve nearly memorised you,” she said. “Especially your eyes. I think I learned to read them first.”

“I memorised yours, too,” he said after a moment, and then sighed, looking away. “I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”

now he held her in his arms as if she were his. The temptation to give in, to let him have her, and to love him for it terrified her.

“You’re mine,” he said against her lips,

“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

She reached out, her fingers brushing back his hair. “Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”

“Be careful, Kaine. Don’t die.”

She missed Kaine. Whenever she thought of him, she felt as though a piece of her was missing.

Now, in his absence, she felt herself suffocating.

“Would you go now, if you could?” His eyes seemed to ripple with heat. “With you, I would.” She forced a smile. “Then we’ll go together. After the war.”

“I thought you said if I ever burned you—” He captured her hand and pulled her close. His other hand slid possessively up her throat, fingers tilting her head back, and he kissed her, long and deep, before he drew away to meet her eyes. “Call me, and I will come.”

“You’re mine. You’re mine.” He’d repeat the words over and over. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”

“I promise, Kaine. I’m always going to be yours.”

“Be careful.” It was always the last thing she said to him before he left her on some rooftop. She would hold his face in her hands, staring into his eyes. “Don’t die.” He’d dip his head forward, kissing her inner wrist or the palm of her hand, his silver eyes locked on her face. “You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.”

“Being alive is not the same as living. I hope someday you’ll have a chance to realise the difference.”

“Because I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the entire Order of the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them. Given that the risk to their lives is the only way to make you value your own.”

She couldn’t imagine herself without him. She didn’t think she’d even exist anymore.

“I don’t see you that way, either. You’re mine.” He let go of her wrist and lifted his hand, the fingertips tracing the scarring until it was covered by his palm, warm against her bare skin, then sliding up to curve around her neck. “You are. It doesn’t matter what happens to you, you will still be mine.”

With every beat of her heart. I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.

“Everyone who wins says they were good, but they’re the ones who tell the story. They get to choose how we all remember it. What if it’s never that simple?

“Mine. You’re mine,” he said as he kissed her. “Always.”

someday I am going to love him in a moment that isn’t stolen.

I’m not going anywhere without you. And if anyone touches you, immortal or not, I will kill them.”

“We had a good run, but we were never going to last.” His fingers slipped a loose curl behind her ear before his hand drifted down to rest briefly at the base of her throat. “You knew that.”

he’d find Kaine in her thoughts and memories. No amount of evasion could hide him; he was the fabric of her thoughts. Her every action tied to him.

A look of anguish flashed across his eyes. “Of course I looked for you. I looked everywhere for you. Did you think I left you there?”

“You always said you wouldn’t choose me over everyone else. I am chained to a sinking ship. I will not take you with me.”

“You didn’t save me,” he said when he was finally capable of speech. “You just put us in hell for two years.”

“You shouldn’t have assumed I’d be willing to lose you,” she said. “Did you think I cared less because I had other obligations? That I don’t feel things as much as you? I did everything I could to keep you safe. You don’t know all the things I did.” “I just meant—” “Every time you asked, I promised I was yours. Always. There aren’t any exemptions or expiration dates on always.”

“Be careful,” she said. “Don’t—” The word caught in her throat. She squeezed his hand. “Come back to me, all right?” “I will.”

“You’re mine,” she said, heart pounding unsteadily against her ribs. “Did you really think I would still hate you once I remembered?” She shook her head. “Even before I did, you were the only thing that ever felt safe. I thought I was going mad, but a part of me always knew you. I left a note. Didn’t you get my note? I love you.”

“I do,” she said more firmly, her voice shaking with intensity. “I love you. And I always will. Always.”

He kissed her like he was starving. As though he were trying to pour himself into her or consume her.

“I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for everything I did to you,” he said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I love you. You left, and I’d never told you.”

“I love you,” she said, kissing him. “I wish I’d told you a thousand times.”

“What has he done to you?” He looked away. “Anything he wants.”

“I don’t want to choose. I always have to choose, and I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.”

“You’re not choosing. You promised me anything I wanted. I want you to stop breaking yourself trying to save me. Go. Live. Tell our daughter I saved you both. That—is what I want.”

“You have to let me go now.” “I can’t.” She shook her head. “You think I’ll be calm if I stop? If I have nothing to do but to sit in this room and wait to lose you? You wouldn’t. You never would.”

“We’ll go out together, won’t we, old girl? Bennet’s last two monsters.”

“You came—” She reached for him. “I guess you always do.”

“The first promise I made to you was that I’d be yours for as long as I live. I’m keeping that one.”

Even staring at him, she could not shake the feeling that it wasn’t real. And even if it somehow was, then it would not last. The beautiful things in her life never did.

“We have to stop hurting ourselves for each other,” she finally said. “Both of us. We’re not going to last if this is the only way we know how to love.”

“We said always, didn’t we?” she asked, her voice strained. “Always. Well, if you don’t want that promise in full any longer, I’ll give it to you in increments.” She clutched his hand tighter. “Every day. I’ll choose you. That way you’ll know it’s still what I want.”

When they were alone, she would stop what she was doing and let him consume her. His lips whispering perfect, beautiful, mine with every nip and caress. “Yours, always,” she’d promise.

But I don’t think you realise how inhumanly cold he is to anyone who isn’t you or E. The rest of the world could burn and he wouldn’t care. I don’t think he’d even notice.