Alchemised

by SenLinYu

She was a vibrant corpse, hardly different from the necrothralls haunting Spirefell.

“You exist, Marino. I think that’s reason enough.”

“You made me feel like the parts of me that aren’t useful still deserve to exist. Like I’m not just all the things I can do.”

“I wasn’t sure what to do,” she said, handing another metal back for grading. “It felt like whatever I chose, someone was disappointed. Everyone—” She fluttered her fingers but, catching herself gesturing, folded them in her lap. “Everyone wanted a lot for me, and I’m not sure I ever knew what I wanted.” She shrugged. “Probably good that I didn’t, since it didn’t matter in the end.”

She stood watching it fall until her hands and feet were numb with cold. She wanted to stay there and freeze to death. She’d read it was a gentle way to go, like falling asleep.

Forget every word you’ve ever heard about honour in combat. The honour is surviving.”

There was a raw despair visible in his eyes. Even his rage was smothered, as though he were existing out of sheer obligation.

He gave a low bitter laugh. “I’m sure there’s something poetic in it all, but right now all I feel is a new set of manacles.”

He touched her cheek, tilting her face up and kissing her. “Use the ring, call me, if you ever need anything.”

No wonder necromancers went mad. Who could stay sane with the minds of the dead inside them?

“You don’t have to push me away to protect me,” he said in a hard, familiar voice. “I can take it. You can stop being lonely. I won’t misunderstand. I know you just want someone to be with.” She looked for a door. An escape. He didn’t let go. “Helena…” She stilled at her name. “I’m alone, too,” he said.

His eyes flickered, but he smiled back. “Of course.” He was lying. They both were. It was daydream to think it possible. She squeezed his hand tighter until the illusion faded.

“I thought you said if I ever burned you—” He captured her hand and pulled her close. His other hand slid possessively up her throat, fingers tilting her head back, and he kissed her, long and deep, before he drew away to meet her eyes. “Call me, and I will come.”

“I’m going to take care of you. I swear, Helena, I’m always going to take care of you.” She heard him muttering the words against her skin or into her hair in such a low voice, she could barely make them out. Some days the compulsion seemed worse than others.

She was almost asleep when she heard the faint whisper of his voice. “I’m going to take care of you. I swear, I’m always going to take care of you.”

She shook her head. “Never mind. That’s too much. We don’t need to suppress that much.” “It would probably work.” She shook her head. “It’s not necessary. This design is good enough.”

On the long nights, Amaris would curl up behind Helena, nuzzling at Kaine’s limp hands. Helena would sit, tracing her fingers along Kaine’s face, following his every heartbeat and promising, “I’m going to take care of you. I promise, I’m always going to take care of you.”

She told him in the way she let go of herself and held on to him instead. With every beat of her heart. I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.

She had a growing fear of anything final. She could feel it all coming to an end.

Her hand. Her left hand was burning. The ring. Her heart stalled. Kaine. He’d come back and found her gone. She’d told him she’d be waiting, and she wasn’t there. The ring burned again and again and again.

She rested her head on his shoulder, entwining her arm with his as they sat there in the lengthening dark, amid the ruins of all they’d once been. They just needed more time.

She shook her head. “I don’t want to choose. I always have to choose, and I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.”

He gave a gasping laugh, almost more of a sob. “Did you know, you are the worst promise keeper I have ever met?” Her throat tightened. “I keep the ones that matter.”