Alchemised

by SenLinYu

The necrothralls began to drop. A few Aspirants noticed the newcomer and seemed confused about what had happened. Before they could react, they were dead. A weapon gleamed so quick that she barely saw it, just watched the bodies fall. It was Kaine. She’d never seen him fight. He’d never really fought with her. But she knew. There was no mistaking that brutal efficiency. He was as deadly as she’d imagined.

“Tell me you can last long enough for me to get a doctor.” His voice was shaking. She shook her head. He was breathing fast, but he swallowed. “Then you’ll have to tell me how. Can you still do that?” “All right,” she said unsteadily, even though she wanted to pass out more than anything.

As he worked, he began telling her each time he was about to touch her, what he was about to do, his voice low, calm, and she realised he was imitating the way she used to narrate her treatment of the array.

He cradled it in both of his and ran his thumbs across her palm and up to her wrist, his resonance like a balm, repairing the damaged tissue and the broken blood vessels with the sweep of his thumbs, then working along each finger. He was so gentle. She recognised the technique. She hadn’t realised he’d paid attention. “You could be a healer,” she finally said as he removed the block on her nerves. She flexed her hand, opening and closing. It was still sore, and fragile as though hairline-fractured. “You have a natural talent for it.” “That’s one of the most ironic things anyone has ever said to me,” he said quietly. He turned his attention to her other hand.

😩😩😩😩😩

“She’s dead,” he said. “You are not. My loyalty was to those least responsible for her suffering, but if the Eternal Flame has decided that you are an affordable casualty, I will not be noble or understanding. I can exact dual revenge. I will make them pay if they get you killed.”

He wouldn’t let go. He gripped her tighter. “You are not expendable. You don’t get to push everyone away so that they’ll feel comfortable using you and letting you die.”

“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.” She shook her head, giving a broken sob and—before she let herself think—she kissed him.

😩 UGH BYE

Kaine cradled her face in his hands as he returned her kiss, pulling her closer, his arms wrapping around her. She was half crying as she kissed him, tracing her fingers along his face and under the curve of his jaw, trying to memorise every detail: his pulse under her fingertips, his lips pressed against hers. The taste of him. Her eyes fluttered shut, trying to savour it all. This one moment. She could have this. She’d earned it.

He touched her cheek, tilting her face up and kissing her. “Use the ring, call me, if you ever need anything.” She wanted to say she would, but she couldn’t bring herself to.

SCREAMING

Just a dream, just a dream, she tried to tell her pounding heart. Not really a dream, though. A memory. Soren’s memories postmortem were lodged inside her consciousness as though they were her own. Bright and lurid in all their details. She hadn’t known necromancy was like that. That she would never be free of the person she brought back. No wonder necromancers went mad. Who could stay sane with the minds of the dead inside them?

“What do you want?” he asked. His voice seemed to come from the darkness. Her eyes burned and she reached, feeling the wall under her fingertips. “I don’t want to always be alone,” she said. It was easier to be honest in the dark. “I want to love someone without feeling like if they know, it’ll end up hurting them. People who love me always die. No matter what I do, it’s never enough to save them. I have to love everyone from a distance, and I’m so lonely.”

“You don’t have to be alone,” he said.

“You don’t have to push me away to protect me,” he said in a hard, familiar voice. “I can take it. You can stop being lonely. I won’t misunderstand. I know you just want someone to be with.” She looked for a door. An escape. He didn’t let go. “Helena…” She stilled at her name. “I’m alone, too,” he said.

MY SHAYLAS 😩😩😩😩😭😭😭😭

“Necromancy doesn’t—bring someone back…” he said, “but that can be hard to remember in the moment. When it’s someone you know, when you can feel the span of their loss, it’s instinctive to think it costs that much to bring them back. What you did with Bayard was put a part of yourself into reanimating him. In other circumstances, you could have reversed it, untethered yourself, but he took all of it with him when he was destroyed.” There was a pause. “You’ll recover, but it’ll leave a scar. You just have to stay grounded until your mind learns not to go there. Lucky for you, animancy should help with that.” “Did this ever happen to you?” He was silent for a minute. “Something similar once, but it was a long time ago.” Helena curled closer to him, listening to his heartbeat.

The kisses were slow. It wasn’t seething or rushed or guilty, but it was still desperate, because he always made her desperate. She kissed him the way she’d wanted to. The way she’d secretly wished she could. She could have this. Once.

“This—is the way I wanted it to be,” she admitted. “With you. I wanted it to be like this with you.” He went very still. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry it wasn’t,” he finally said, pulling her closer. Had he ever actually been like this? She wondered sometimes how much of her drunken memory of kissing him was real. Or if she’d invented all the intimacy to replay when her life felt too void of any tenderness. “It doesn’t matter,” she said, resting her head on his shoulder. “Yes, it does. Let me give you this now.” He drew her face to his and kissed her. Slow and intent.

KILLING MYSELF 😩😩😩😩😩😩❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

He was unfathomably gentle. His touch light, and yet it made her feel as though a flame were kindled inside her, a desire that made her ache.

When he kissed her, it felt like the beginning of something that could be eternal.

😩❤️😩❤️

“Helena.” Kaine’s lips brushed across her cheek and temple, his breath ragged. “You get to have this. You’re allowed to feel good things. Don’t be alone. Have this with me.”

“I think I’ve nearly memorised you,” she said. “Especially your eyes. I think I learned to read them first.” The corner of his mouth twitched, and he caught her hand, capturing it against his chest. “I memorised yours, too,” he said after a moment, and then sighed, looking away. “I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.” She gave a small smile, struggling to stay awake, afraid it might all fade away if she did. “I’ve always thought my eyes were my best feature.” “One of them,” he said quietly.

CRYING MY EYES OUTTTTTT 😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Kaine Ferron was a dragon, like his family before him. Possessive to the point of self-annihilation. Isolated and deadly, and now he held her in his arms as if she were his. The temptation to give in, to let him have her, and to love him for it terrified her.

All she could think of was how much she wanted to be there, being touched by him. He was fire, and she was already consumed. “You’re mine,” he said against her lips, his fingers sliding along her throat, tangling in her hair, holding her fast as he dragged her nearer. It was not like the previous night. It wasn’t comfort. It was claiming.

He pulled her close, crushing her to his chest. “You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

😩❤️

Then he abruptly lifted his head. “Well, it’s mostly practical. Amaris flies better from the roof. She’s better at it now, but it used to be hard for her to get airborne.” “Amaris?” Helena repeated slowly. “The chimaera. You saw her last night.”

PUPPY DOG

“And she’s—tame?” He shook his head. “No. Just fond of me, but you should meet her. I meant to introduce you, but the moment never seemed right. Come on.”

“When did you realise that I didn’t know you were supposed to die?” she asked rather than stand. He released a long breath. “The first time you arrived on the Outpost. I could tell by the way you looked, you thought it really was forever.” Her throat tightened. He looked away. “It was—funny at first. I kept waiting for you to catch on.”

He’s lowkey a prankster 😭💀

He nodded slowly. “It was all because of her. I know what people said about them, about why he married her, but he—adored her. She was life itself to him. When I was born and she was sick, he grew obsessed with keeping her well, not allowing visitors or any potential disease near her. Morrough claimed he could cure her, that she’d live forever.”

“I imagine not. Were there any other repercussions?” “Well, I was supposed t—” She swallowed. “—to kill you, but I got out of that. So I guess it all worked out in the end.” She managed another smile, but he did not return it. His expression had gone cold and empty. “This is your idea of things working out?”

💀💀💀

“I used to think that we were the reverse of each other. Now—” She looked at him and extended her hand. “—I can’t help feeling like we’re mostly the same.” He entwined his fingers with hers and pulled her close, and this time she let him take her into his arms, his face buried in the curve of her neck.

Then he sat back enough to look at her. She watched the way his eyes moved, taking her in piece by piece as if he didn’t want to miss a single detail.

She reached out, her fingers brushing back his hair. “Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”

😩😭❤️

The chimaera cantered stiffly towards Kaine, eerie yellow eyes watching Helena, the whites showing, muzzle curled in warning. “Be nice, Amaris,” Kaine said chidingly, scratching the chimaera behind her ears.

AHHHH SO CUTE

“Bennet only cares about the aesthetics when it comes to the chimaeras. He forces things to fit together even when they shouldn’t. The reason the chimaeras are so dangerous is that they’re all rabid with pain. They usually die because the stress kills them. When Amaris arrived, she bit me about fifty times during the first week. You may recall that my back was still in tatters at the time. I nearly snapped her neck after the tenth time, but I thought, I’m in so much pain I’d love to bite someone. Why would it be different for her? She was all puppy then, but legs like a foal. Constantly tripping and breaking her wings.” He glanced back at Helena. “I had a notion of the taming capacity of pain relief, and you’d mentioned how flawed the transmutations were, so I tried to fix what I could. Once she realised I wasn’t there to hurt her, she stopped biting.” He straightened and patted Amaris just below a huge wing. The feathers were as long as Helena’s arms. He rubbed his knuckles between Amaris’s eyes. “She warmed up to me after that. She’s the only survivor of the whole batch. Bennet tried to take her back, wanted to see why she’d worked. She nearly took his head off. Didn’t you?”

THIS HAS ME IN TEARS SO CUTE

Helena pretended not to notice as she headed for the gate, but it only made his mood darken. Finally, she stopped. “What is it?” “Don’t go,” he said softly. “You know I have to.” He shook his head. “No, I don’t. They don’t care about you.”

😩😩😩😩😩😩

“I want to do good in the world. That was what my father wanted most for me.” She looked down at her hands. “I know most people won’t think I have. I’ve done things now that I don’t think I’m supposed to be forgiven for. But I want to be remembered as someone who tried at least.”

Now turn to page 1023 😔😭💔

She stepped back, but he caught her. “Helena—” She pulled free. “Be careful, Kaine. Don’t die.”

She used to love the quietness of lab work—such a stark contrast with the hospital—but now it left her to her thoughts, and everything she pushed away in her mind crowded around, suffocating her. She missed Kaine. Whenever she thought of him, she felt as though a piece of her was missing.

Kaine took her hand. “You can run. Say the word, and I’ll get you out.”

“The offer stands. Say the word, and I’ll get you out.” She reached up, combing a strand of pale hair back from his eyes. “What about you?” she asked. He grimaced. “If I could run, I would have vanished while my mother was alive.” “Would you go now, if you could?” His eyes seemed to ripple with heat. “With you, I would.” She forced a smile. “Then we’ll go together. After the war.” She gripped his hand and pressed it against her chest, letting him feel her heartbeat. “When the war is over. We’ll run away somewhere no one knows us. We’ll disappear—forever.” His eyes flickered, but he smiled back. “Of course.” He was lying. They both were. It was daydream to think it possible.

“I hate your hair like that,” he said, startling her. She looked up. “I could crop it instead.” He looked so offended that she laughed. “I have to keep it out of the way when working, and I’m always on call for emergencies. It’s practical.” He looked unconvinced. “I want to see you more.”

My GOD 😩❤️

“I thought you said if I ever burned you—” He captured her hand and pulled her close. His other hand slid possessively up her throat, fingers tilting her head back, and he kissed her, long and deep, before he drew away to meet her eyes. “Call me, and I will come.”

She hadn’t expected him to be so obsessively worried. She’d observed his quick arrival at the Outpost, the careful way his eyes would track her, but she hadn’t considered how deep the fear cut into him until he didn’t have to hide it.

She never had and never would heal anyone the way she healed Kaine: in his arms, pressed against his body. She’d bribe him into cooperation by pressing openmouthed kisses across his shoulders, hands, and face while her resonance found every place he was hurt, checking him over meticulously until he’d grow impatient and pin her hands down, pushing her back on the bed and taking her slowly. It was always deliriously slowly. He’d stare into her eyes until she almost felt their minds touching. “You’re mine. You’re mine.” He’d repeat the words over and over. “Say it. Say you’re mine.” He’d entwine their fingers, press their foreheads together, and sometimes his whole body would tremble. She’d wrap her arms around him, trying to reassure him. “I promise, Kaine. I’m always going to be yours.”

“Be careful.” It was always the last thing she said to him before he left her on some rooftop. She would hold his face in her hands, staring into his eyes. “Don’t die.” He’d dip his head forward, kissing her inner wrist or the palm of her hand, his silver eyes locked on her face. “You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.” He always did.

“I’m going to take care of you. I swear, Helena, I’m always going to take care of you.” She heard him muttering the words against her skin or into her hair in such a low voice, she could barely make them out. Some days the compulsion seemed worse than others. She heard him repeating it over and over one night. He usually stopped after a little while, but this time he didn’t.

He shook his head. “Let me get you out. I swear it won’t affect my aid to the Resistance. Just let me get you out.” “I’m not going to run while everyone else is fighting. We can do this together. Let me help you. You don’t have to do everything alone now.” Despair flooded across his eyes.

Helena gave a sad sigh and dropped her head, burying her face in his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her. She was almost asleep when she heard the faint whisper of his voice. “I’m going to take care of you. I swear, I’m always going to take care of you.”

You’re killing him. You’re killing him. This is because of you. She’d only let herself cry over him when he wasn’t conscious to see it. She gripped his hands in hers, trying to fix him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she said over and over.

On the long nights, Amaris would curl up behind Helena, nuzzling at Kaine’s limp hands. Helena would sit, tracing her fingers along Kaine’s face, following his every heartbeat and promising, “I’m going to take care of you. I promise, I’m always going to take care of you.”

😩😭❤️😩😭❤️

“It’s a war, Kaine. People die. Given your personal death toll, you should know that better than anyone else. You know that I’m not going to prioritise my survival over everyone else’s.” He stared at her for a long terrible moment, the rage stark on his face. “Well, you should.” He was suddenly ice-cold, and his eyes gleamed so silver that they were almost white. “Because I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the entire Order of the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them. Given that the risk to their lives is the only way to make you value your own.”