Alchemised

by SenLinYu

“But if that’s—if that’s true, then why did my mother die? If I didn’t take it?”

“What do you mean you don’t have the rank? Aren’t you a member of the Eternal Flame?” “Yes,” she said quietly. “I thought that was part of the package deal: You swear your life to a set of asinine religious ideals and get a valuable weapon in compensation.”

“Did it—did the scar tissue set properly? I came back to check—but you—” “It’s fine,” he said in a stiff voice, his posture rigid. His head was turned so that she could see only his jaw. “I hardly feel it.” She exhaled. “Good. I was afraid that maybe something had gone wrong and that’s why you didn’t come—” He whirled on her. “It’s not any of your fucking business.” She started back. “I just meant—” “Fuck off, Marino.” His voice was deadly soft. “I’m not your pet. I don’t need you.”

They were the inverse and counter to each other. A healer and killer, circling slowly, the push and pull inexorable.

Standing there, Helena thought she should feel something, but instead her heart seemed to be compacting inside her chest, growing smaller and harder day by day.

“I think he’s lonely.” Ilva straightened, rising several inches in her seat. “I hope you’re not getting attached, Helena. The Eternal Flame is depending on you to stay on mission. If you’re compromised, you should say so.”

Helena turned, then gave a brittle laugh. “You know, I just realised, if I succeed, you’ll control Ferron the same way you use Luc to control me. It makes me feel rather sorry for him.” Ilva didn’t look at her. “Well, he’ll deserve it more than you do.”

I hate this b****!!

“My father thought my repertoire was too special to be—wasted there.”

“It felt like whatever I chose, someone was disappointed. Everyone—” She fluttered her fingers but, catching herself gesturing, folded them in her lap. “Everyone wanted a lot for me, and I’m not sure I ever knew what I wanted.” She shrugged. “Probably good that I didn’t, since it didn’t matter in the end.”

A moratorium was placed on Helena’s lab work, and the next thing she knew, it was not her lab at all but Shiseo’s, and Ilva had Helena passed off as the lab assistant,

bell

“Quite a miracle that she survived. All thanks to the recovery team’s quick thinking and daring rescue.” She cleared her throat. “They’ll all be medalled for bravery, and there were several Ember Services called, to devote prayers of thanks to Sol for his—grace in saving her.”

was murdered. Lila took the vows. To protect Luc with her life, to die for him. Luc had no choice but to accept them. Whatever had or hadn’t briefly existed between them was buried beneath the weight of those vows.

“You are the heart of the Resistance. A symbol of hope and light and goodness. You do not get to choose one person’s life over that. You betrayed the people who follow you, and you betrayed your paladins, particularly Lila, who knew her oaths and was prepared to do as she had sworn. Your selfishness nearly rendered her sacrifice worthless.”

this was made from pure mo’lian’shi. Only someone of royal birth, with an Emperor’s seal, could access it.” “And you know of it,” she said slowly. Shiseo met her eyes briefly before they slid away. “And I know of it.”

In their hands was proof of a deal not merely between Morrough and another country, but of a treachery between a ruler and his own empire.

“Why aid us, then?” she asked. “If you don’t think we can win.” His expression grew mocking. “Don’t you think you’re worth it?”

“Oh yes, your rose in a graveyard,” she said, lip curling. “Was the array for me, too?” “Who else?” he asked, his voice empty, just a touch of irony in it. “Aurelia, perhaps.”

“Don’t die, Kaine,”

A smirk twisted his mouth as he looked at her. “There are far worse fates than dying, Marino.” She nodded. “I know. But that one you don’t come back from.” He gave a bitter laugh. “All right, then, but only because you asked.”

He pulled his hand free. “I have this habit of surviving against all odds. Deserves to be studied, apparently.” Without thinking, she reached out, touching his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Kaine.”

“And what would your dear Luc say if he learned how you let his father’s killer buy you like a whore?”

“I have—something for you,” he finally said, as if having a tooth extracted.

“Good.” He shifted. “Well, this has been delightful. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve wished someone would lecture me on the systems of the human body.” She looked up, and he smiled insincerely at her.

“Crowther was delusional, thinking to use you to tame Ferron. You cannot bring a mad dog to heel.”

But how could she tell Luc that? That none of it had ever meant anything. That the miracles he believed in were mere sleights of hand, bought and paid for with betrayal. She couldn’t.

Of course he was right. She should have just gone to the bridge. And jumped.

“I came because I wanted to see you.” She realised only as she said it that it was the truth. That was why she’d come.

“All right…” he said, “but only because you asked.”

There was a throbbing pressure inside her skull. She’d barely slept since the solstice. She kept dreaming of him going mad, ripping himself apart like Basilius did but then consuming it all, eating himself endlessly like the dragon in the Ferron crest.

It was not a slow, sweet kiss. It was not a kiss caused by alcohol or insecurity. It was born of rage, despair, and desire so hot, it threatened to burn her into oblivion. It was possibly a kiss goodbye. She wanted him to know. It was real. For her, it had always been real.

“I didn’t really want you to be,” she said quietly. Her hands shook as she tried to get her clothes back on. His mouth closed then, and the room went still. She could feel the change in the air between them. But she didn’t understand why it mattered, why this was the line he’d drawn.

She was torn between the desire to laugh and cry, her mouth twisting in a grimacing smile. “Well, you seem pleased,” he said in a bitter voice, his lip curling, “to have finally whored yourself.” Her fingers froze, and the room went out of focus. “That was my job,” she said. “You had to have known it was my mission.”

“But you—you—” He shook his head. “It doesn’t really matter. You outmanoeuvred me. Or maybe I’m just too tired and grieving to keep pushing you away. You won.” He met her eyes for a moment, his expression bitter and derisive. “Well done.”

His eyes snapped open. They’d turned silver, and two splotches of colour flushed in the hollows of his cheeks. “Fuck you.” She flinched but spat back, “You already did.”

What was I supposed to do, fail to kill Principate Apollo knowing I wouldn’t be the one who’d suffer for it? This”—he gestured towards himself—“this was how I proved I’d be loyal, how I got him t—” His breath caught. “—to stop hurting her.” Helena’s head had grown light. “We—I didn’t know.”

When she was pregnant, she wouldn’t listen when the doctors warned her what I’d cost her. She was always fragile after that. My father always said I had to take care of her. That I was—responsible.

Helena stood frozen in horror. How had no one known this? “I am so sorry.” She felt faint with shock. “I don’t need your false sympathy, Marino,” he snarled, but his voice was shaking.

She placed a tentative hand on his arm, half expecting him to fling her across the room, but his shoulders trembled and he dropped his head onto her shoulder. She pulled him into her arms; he gripped her close and sobbed. “I can’t—I can’t—” he kept saying over and over. Helena didn’t know what to do. She ran her fingers through his hair and just held him.

“I can’t—I can’t do this again—” he finally gasped out. “I can’t care for someone again. I can’t take it.”

For the first time, Kaine Ferron was fully human to her. She’d slipped through his walls and peeled away the defensive layers of malice and cruelty, and found that there he carried a broken heart. She could use that.