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“Everyone who wins says they were good, but they’re the ones who tell the story. They get to choose how we’ll remember it. What if it’s never that simple?”
“You sound as enslaved as I am.”
“If I’d known what pain you’d cause me, I never would have taken you.”
“But at this point I suppose I deserve to burn. I wonder if you’ll burn, too.”
“Well, since you’re a void of creativity when it comes to gratitude: Kiss me like you mean it,”
He was in a crucible, and he was the crucible, and he would either die terribly or be wholly alchemised into something that could survive the paradox.
“if anyone had told me you’d become so lovely, I would never have come near you. I was rather blindsided when I saw you again.”
“You’re like a rose in a graveyard,”
“I wonder what you could have turned into without the war.”
“You made me feel like the parts of me that aren’t useful still deserve to exist. Like I’m not just all the things I can do.”
“I must say, Marino, you’ve ended up being quite expensive.”
“I’m sure there’s something poetic in it all, but right now all I feel is a new set of manacles.”
“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.”
On closer inspection, it wasn’t a dog, but a wolf with bright-yellow eyes, and it was the size of a warhorse, with wings the size of— She didn’t know of anything on earth with wings that large.
“I don’t want to always be alone,” she said. It was easier to be honest in the dark. “I want to love someone without feeling like if they know, it’ll end up hurting them. People who love me always die. No matter what I do, it’s never enough to save them. I have to love everyone from a distance, and I’m so lonely.”
“This—is the way I wanted it to be,” she admitted. “With you. I wanted it to be like this with you.”
“I think I’ve nearly memorised you,” she said. “Especially your eyes. I think I learned to read them first.”
“I memorised yours, too,” he said after a moment, and then sighed, looking away. “I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”
“I’ve always thought my eyes were my best feature.” “One of them,” he said quietly.
“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”
“You’re a far better person than I am. This world doesn’t deserve you at all.”
“Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”
“I want to do good in the world. That was what my father wanted most for me.” She looked down at her hands. “I know most people won’t think I have. I’ve done things now that I don’t think I’m supposed to be forgiven for. But I want to be remembered as someone who tried at least.”
“When the war is over. We’ll run away somewhere no one knows us. We’ll disappear—forever.”
“You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.”
“I’m going to take care of you. I swear, Helena, I’m always going to take care of you.”
She was almost asleep when she heard the faint whisper of his voice. “I’m going to take care of you. I swear, I’m always going to take care of you.”
Helena would sit, tracing her fingers along Kaine’s face, following his every heartbeat and promising, “I’m going to take care of you. I promise, I’m always going to take care of you.”
“Because I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the entire Order of the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them. Given that the risk to their lives is the only way to make you value your own.”
“Just live, Helena.” His voice was shaking. “That’s all I’m asking you to do for me.”
“I can’t promise that. You know I can’t promise that. But I can’t risk what you’ll do if I die.”
“What exactly is it that you think I do with all my time? I kill people. I order other people to kill people. I train people to kill people. I sabotage and undermine people so that they will be killed, and I do it all because of you. Every word. Every life. Because of you.”
“I mean it. I won’t kill them—but I will be done. You are my terms of service. The contract is void if you die.”
“You are so much more than what the war has done to you.”
“You are. It doesn’t matter what happens to you, you will still be mine.”
I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.
“Everyone who wins says they were good, but they’re the ones who tell the story. They get to choose how we all remember it. What if it’s never that simple?”
“Mine. You swore it. Your Resistance sold you to me. I’m not going anywhere without you. And if anyone touches you, immortal or not, I will kill them.”
“I’ve never gotten to tell anyone about you. I’d want someone to know what you were like.”
“I love you. And I always will. Always.”
“I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for everything I did to you,” he said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I love you. You left, and I’d never told you.”
“Your mother was always so proud of you. She said you were the best thing we ever made.”
“We have to stop hurting ourselves for each other,” she finally said. “Both of us. We’re not going to last if this is the only way we know how to love.”
“I never thought I’d get stuck on an animal of all things.”
“I think I always saw running away as the destination. I never actually thought about what would be left of me by the time I got here.”
You’ve already done more than anyone should have ever asked from you. You deserve to make some choices for yourself. Don’t spend any more of your life chained to old promises.
“Always. Well, if you don’t want that promise in full any longer, I’ll give it to you in increments.” She clutched his hand tighter. “Every day. I’ll choose you. That way you’ll know it’s still what I want.”
“I’m sure there will be good days and bad days for us. Too much has happened to ever really put it behind us, but if you choose me, and I choose you, I think we’re strong enough to make it.”
“Love isn’t as pretty or pure as people like to think. There’s a darkness in it sometimes. Kaine and I go hand in hand. I made him who he is. I knew what that array meant when I saved him. If he’s a monster, then I’m his creator.”
She was a non-active member of the Order of the Eternal Flame and did not fight.
