Alchemised

by SenLinYu

When she climbed into her bed, she could still see Ferron’s shadow outside her door. Somehow, knowing it was his, the sight of it didn’t frighten her even though it should have.

She placed it. Don’t make me responsible for Kaine Ferron’s death.

They were the inverse and counter to each other. A healer and killer, circling slowly, the push and pull inexorable.

But his eyes… She could tell— He was hers.

“I’m sure there’s something poetic in it all, but right now all I feel is a new set of manacles.” He let go and stepped away from her, heading for the door. “So forgive me if I dislike looking at you. I’m still adjusting to the ways these new ones chafe.”

“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.”

“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

“Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”

“If one person’s actions are enough to damn everyone, then the gods are terrible, and Sol is the worst of all.”

“Call me, and I will come.”

“I’m going to take care of you. I swear, I’m always going to take care of you.”

“Because I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the entire Order of the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them. Given that the risk to their lives is the only way to make you value your own.”

“Just live, Helena.” His voice was shaking. “That’s all I’m asking you to do for me.” Helena gave a low sob, lungs whistling as she fought to breathe. “I can’t promise that. You know I can’t promise that. But I can’t risk what you’ll do if I die.”

“I mean it. I won’t kill them—but I will be done. You are my terms of service. The contract is void if you die.”

“You are so much more than what the war has done to you.”

“Just—just like I am. There’s more to both of us—it’s just waiting to get out. Someday, we’ll leave all this behind. Go far away, and you’ll see. The two of us—I think we could.”

“I think your scars are prettier than mine,” she finally said. “I have a better healer.”

“Do you see my scars that way?” he finally said. “When you look at me, are they all you see?” She flinched. “No.” “Well.” He met her eyes. “I don’t see you that way, either. You’re mine.” He let go of her wrist and lifted his hand, the fingertips tracing the scarring until it was covered by his palm, warm against her bare skin, then sliding up to curve around her neck. “You are. It doesn’t matter what happens to you, you will still be mine.”

I love you. She told him in the way she held him close; in the way her mouth met his; in how her hands trailed across his skin, mapping him, memorising every detail of what it was to be with him, his scars under her fingers. I love you. I love you. She told him in the way she let go of herself and held on to him instead. With every beat of her heart. I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.

“You’re always in danger, and I can never ask you to stop.” He ran his thumb across her knuckles. “You know I would if I could. I’d run with you and never look back.” “I know—” Her voice broke. “Don’t die, Kaine. You can’t leave me behind.”

“My mother’s name was Enid.” Helena nodded. She remembered that. He looked towards the garden, fingers curling into a fist. “I always liked that name.”

“Enid is a good name,” she finally managed to say, her voice hoarse. “I like it, too.”

“I don’t want to choose. I always have to choose, and I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.” He looked back at her. “You’re not choosing. You promised me anything I wanted. I want you to stop breaking yourself trying to save me. Go. Live. Tell our daughter I saved you both. That—is what I want.”

“Did you know, you are the worst promise keeper I have ever met?” Her throat tightened. “I keep the ones that matter.”

“What sin did your mother ever commit to deserve such a son?” Kaine leaned forward, a razor-thin smile spreading across his face, pure contempt in his eyes. “I believe it was when she married you.”

“I didn’t make plans past the war because there were never any plans to make. Holdfast, the Eternal Flame, they were never going to win, and I always knew that. Falling for you didn’t change that—it just…it just made knowing worse.”

“You need a willing soul for that, and you’re not going to find one, because the only person who’d die for me is you.”

“The first promise I made to you was that I’d be yours for as long as I live. I’m keeping that one.”

“This will work,” she said. “I promise. I’m going to save you.”

“I need you,” she said. “We’re almost to the end now. But you have to come back to me. We’re running away, remember? You, me, and our baby. We’re going to be free. I’m going to save you, but I need you to fight with me.”

“Your mother was always so proud of you. She said you were the best thing we ever made.”

“We did it, Kaine,” she said. “Just like we always said we would.”

“Helena—Helena, breathe. Look at me. I’m going to be careful. I’m not going to let anything take me from you.”

“It was mostly by correspondence. You talked about the sea, so I started looking before the war was over. I thought it would be easier for you, if you were going somewhere you liked.”

I’d just sent things along as I thought of something I thought you’d like.”

“We said always, didn’t we?” she asked, her voice strained. “Always. Well, if you don’t want that promise in full any longer, I’ll give it to you in increments.” She clutched his hand tighter. “Every day. I’ll choose you. That way you’ll know it’s still what I want.”

Running back and forth outside the house, wings outstretched, nose to the ground, was Amaris.

“You have to care. You have to choose to care. The way you are, if you don’t, you won’t—and she’ll know. Just like you did. You cannot do that to her. She has to be someone that you decide to care about.” She swallowed hard, looking down. “We don’t know how long I’ll…after everything. I need you to promise that if I’m not here, you’ll love her for me”—her voice cracked—“the way I would love her. She has to be that important to you. Do you promise?”

“Kaine—she has your eyes.”

“Look at her. She’s ours. She’s all ours. You’re not going to hurt her.”

Kaine talked to Enid more than he talked to anyone, even Helena. He would monologue to her about everything: the trees, the sea, the tide and moons, alchemy techniques and array theories, what the weather might be, and Enid listened to him intently, fretting if he got distracted or fell silent for too long.

Newspapers across the continent featured a photo of Lila Bayard emerging from the rubble of the Alchemy Tower, helmet gone, face filthy, her armour streaked with blood. The brutal scar across her face was starkly visible, sharpening the look of cold triumph as she dragged the remains of Morrough’s mutated and rotting corpse behind her.

“I’m not going to leave him,” Helena said after a pause. “There’s no version of me that survived the war without Kaine.

“Love isn’t as pretty or pure as people like to think. There’s a darkness in it sometimes. Kaine and I go hand in hand. I made him who he is. I knew what that array meant when I saved him. If he’s a monster, then I’m his creator.”

“But you have to take care of Cobalt. City’s no place for a dog, you know. He doesn’t come when we tell him, so he might get hit by a lorry.”

“So, what do we do now?” The corner of his mouth curved into a smile that had only ever been for her. “Anything. Whatever you want.”

The statue was of a Resistance soldier in combat armour and rappelling harness. At his feet were the words Gone but Not Forgotten. The columns were smooth marble, filled with names. Apollo Holdfast, Lucien Holdfast, Soren Bayard, Sebastian Bayard, Eddard Althorne, Jan Crowther, Titus Bayard…they went on and on.