Alchemised

by SenLinYu

“You are not expendable. You don’t get to push everyone away so that they’ll feel comfortable using you and letting you die.”

“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders.

“You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.” She shook her head, giving a broken sob and—before she let herself think—she kissed him.

His eyes shone in the dark, as if there were moonlight underground.

“Do you think this is what my subconscious thinks I want?” she asked, peering towards the light of the Alchemy Tower’s beacon gleaming like a small golden sun. “To run away from the war with you?”

“Then use me,” Kaine said. He was right next to her. He pulled her close and tried to kiss her.

“You don’t have to push me away to protect me,” he said in a hard, familiar voice.

“I think I’ve nearly memorised you,” she said. “Especially your eyes. I think I learned to read them first.”

“I memorised yours, too,” he said after a moment, and then sighed, looking away.

“I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”

THIS BOOK WTF

All she could think of was how much she wanted to be there, being touched by him. He was fire, and she was already consumed.

He pulled her close, crushing her to his chest. “You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

She was locked in the dangerous embrace of Kaine Ferron, and it felt like home.

He dropped his head against her palm and closed his eyes for a moment, the strands of his hair falling across her fingertips.

He entwined his fingers with hers and pulled her close, and this time she let him take her into his arms, his face buried in the curve of her neck. Life was not cold.

Then he sat back enough to look at her. She watched the way his eyes moved, taking her in piece by piece as if he didn’t want to miss a single detail.

“You’re a far better person than I am. This world doesn’t deserve you at all.”

Their foreheads touched, and she closed her eyes. It was as though their souls were touching, too.

“I have to go back.” He didn’t let go. “You should eat.” “I have to go,” she said firmly, trying to rise. “Take a bath,” he said, catching her waist. “I’ll order something to be brought up. Anything you want.”

Aweeeeeeee i cant

She reached out, her fingers brushing back his hair. “Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”

Oh god

He looked despairing.

She swallowed hard. “If one person’s actions are enough to damn everyone, then the gods are terrible, and Sol is the worst of all.”

She missed Kaine. Whenever she thought of him, she felt as though a piece of her was missing.

Kaine had reminded her that she was human; that not every trait and ability and quality she possessed only mattered insomuch as it was useful to someone else. That she was allowed to breathe sometimes. Now, in his absence, she felt herself suffocating.

Kaine had her in his arms and was kissing her as if starved.

His thumb found the scars on her ribs. “I worried about you. Had a lot of time to wonder if I’d done everything right when I healed you.” She caught his hand. “You did everything perfectly.”

Kaine took her hand. “You can run. Say the word, and I’ll get you out.”

He grimaced. “If I could run, I would have vanished while my mother was alive.” “Would you go now, if you could?” His eyes seemed to ripple with heat. “With you, I would.”

She forced a smile. “Then we’ll go together. After the war.” She gripped his hand and pressed it against her chest, letting him feel her heartbeat. “When the war is over. We’ll run away somewhere no one knows us. We’ll disappear—forever.” His eyes flickered, but he smiled back. “Of course.” He was lying. They both were. It was daydream to think it possible.

Her fingers stilled. She could see the hunger in his eyes. Possessive. Ravenous. He would drag her from the war and hide her the instant she let him. The conflict was visible in his eyes. Want. Want. Want. She felt it like her heartbeat. If he couldn’t hide her, he would hoard her to himself as much as he was able to. She’d fallen for a dragon.

“I thought you said if I ever burned you—” He captured her hand and pulled her close. His other hand slid possessively up her throat, fingers tilting her head back, and he kissed her, long and deep, before he drew away to meet her eyes. “Call me, and I will come.”

Kaine called her. Often.

“You’re mine. You’re mine.” He’d repeat the words over and over. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”

“I promise, Kaine. I’m always going to be yours.”

Im scared

“Be careful.” It was always the last thing she said to him before he left her on some rooftop. She would hold his face in her hands, staring into his eyes. “Don’t die.” He’d dip his head forward, kissing her inner wrist or the palm of her hand, his silver eyes locked on her face. “You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.”

“I’m going to take care of you. I swear, Helena, I’m always going to take care of you.” She heard him muttering the words against her skin or into her hair in such a low voice, she could barely make them out. Some days the compulsion seemed worse than others. She heard him repeating it over and over one night. He usually stopped after a little while, but this time he didn’t.

He went silent. She slid her fingers over his shoulders, tracing the interconnected scars from the array. “You can tell me. I’ll help you carry it.”

Kaine was Helena’s only source of solace as things within the Resistance deteriorated.

Luc had requested that Helena be kept away from Lila as well as himself.

He can go fk himself

I knew—I told you this would happen—” His voice broke.

You know that I’m not going to prioritise my survival over everyone else’s.” He stared at her for a long terrible moment, the rage stark on his face. “Well, you should.”

“I know your face too well.” He sighed. “You’re thinking you’ll have to kill me now, aren’t you? That I’m too much of a liability.” She said nothing, refusing to open her eyes. “Would you really do it?” She looked at him. “You know—you know I will not choose you at the price of everyone. It wouldn’t even save you if I did.” He looked away then. “You’d never forgive yourself.” Her jaw trembled. “No. I wouldn’t—”

She hated this war. She had thought she could do anything. That she was strong enough for it. That there would be no limit to what she was willing to do or endure. Apparently, Kaine had become her limit.

She couldn’t imagine herself without him. She didn’t think she’d even exist anymore.

“Just live, Helena.” His voice was shaking. “That’s all I’m asking you to do for me.”

He kissed her. She could taste the plea on his lips. “I’m sorry,” she kept saying again and again, “I’m sorry I did this to you.”

I sabotage and undermine people so that they will be killed, and I do it all because of you. Every word. Every life. Because of you.”

His shoulders slumped. “If you die, Helena, I’m done. I won’t continue this. I’m tired.”

“There is a life for you on the other side of this war. You have the Stone. If Morrough dies, you might be fine, and you’d be free. You could do—all sorts of things. Don’t reduce your world to me.”

Go to sleep. Loath as I am to admit it, the war will still be here when you wake.”