Alchemised

by SenLinYu

“Tell me you can last long enough for me to get a doctor.” His voice was shaking. She shook her head. He was breathing fast, but he swallowed. “Then you’ll have to tell me how. Can you still do that?”

“You could be a healer,” she finally said as he removed the block on her nerves. She flexed her hand, opening and closing. It was still sore, and fragile as though hairline-fractured. “You have a natural talent for it.” “That’s one of the most ironic things anyone has ever said to me,” he said quietly.

“You are not expendable. You don’t get to push everyone away so that they’ll feel comfortable using you and letting you die.”

“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.”

He touched her cheek, tilting her face up and kissing her. “Use the ring, call me, if you ever need anything.”

Helena curled closer to him, listening to his heartbeat. He was alive. She had kept him alive. She found his hand, pulling it up near her chin, holding it in both of hers, tracing the ridges of his knuckles, lacing her fingers along them. Just holding on.

“I think I’ve nearly memorised you,” she said. “Especially your eyes. I think I learned to read them first.”

“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

“You’re a far better person than I am. This world doesn’t deserve you at all.”

“Don’t go,” he said softly. “You know I have to.” He shook his head. “No, I don’t. They don’t care about you.”

“When the war is over. We’ll run away somewhere no one knows us. We’ll disappear—forever.” His eyes flickered, but he smiled back. “Of course.” He was lying. They both were. It was daydream to think it possible.

“Call me, and I will come.”

“You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.” He always did.

“Let me get you out. I swear it won’t affect my aid to the Resistance. Just let me get you out.”

“What are you doing here? Get back to Headquarters before Ferron finds out about this.”

“Because I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the entire Order of the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them. Given that the risk to their lives is the only way to make you value your own.”

“You could—become a healer,” she finally said, straining to feel the sensation of his hand against hers. A smile ghosted at the corner of his mouth. “I hadn’t considered that.” “You should. You have a talent for it—although your bedside manner is terrible.”

“Don’t die.” She must have said it too quietly, because he didn’t answer.

“What’s wrong?” he finally asked. Everything. “Nothing,” she said. “I think I forgot to breathe after you left.”

“I don’t want you in this fucking war.” The rage in his voice was raw. “All I do is worry about what will happen to you if I fail to meet all requirements. If you get captured, you have no idea what they’ll—”

“You’re always in danger, and I can never ask you to stop.” He ran his thumb across her knuckles. “You know I would if I could. I’d run with you and never look back.” “I know—” Her voice broke. “Don’t die, Kaine. You can’t leave me behind.”

found you after a bombing. I had to watch them cut you open, trying to get the shrapnel out. You nearly died so many times on the operating table, I lost count. If you’d been an inch closer to the blast, that shrapnel would have gone through your heart. You want me to set a bomb, I will do it, but you will not touch it. Do you understand?”

Someday, she promised herself, someday I am going to love him in a moment that isn’t stolen.

“I’ve gone by so many names, I don’t even remember them all,” said the person in Luc’s body. “Once, long ago, my brother called me Cetus.”

“I can figure this out. But if you’d given me time—I would’ve—” “I died months ago, Hel—” he said, his breathing forced. “No—you’re still alive—I’ll fix this if you just—” She tried to pull her hand free. “Stop,” he said more forcefully, pulling her close and making her look at him, at his gaunt, nearly skeletal face. “Listen to me. You have to get out of here before anyone realises. I’ll help you. I think I can last that long.

Luc sat looking at his last paladin with open grief, but when his eyes rested on her, there was only that same sadness. “You’ve always done the worst things because of me.”

“There is no ‘we’ anymore,” Kaine said. “You’re leaving Paladia.” She looked up sharply. He stood over her, arms crossed. “I’ll kill them, but you’re done. Holdfast is dead. The Eternal Flame is gone. It’s time for you to go.” She shook her head. “I can’t leave you here.” His expression was hard as stone. “I don’t want you here. It’ll be easier for me to work if Morrough assumes a complete victory.”

blew my cover getting the Bayard girl for you.” The world stopped spinning. Time stalling as the air froze, and it was just them, and nothing else existed. “What?” She tried again, shaking her head. “You—you what?” She was certain she was misunderstanding him, but it was there in his eyes. He was saying goodbye to her. She shook her head again. “No.” He said nothing. Her protest vanished into the silence replaced by a horrible, waiting stillness, like the space between slowing heartbeats, when a heart finally stops. The sound of ending. “No,” she said, her voice straining, breaking the quiet again, refusing to believe him.

“I’m never going to forgive you for this,” she finally managed. The words came out slurred, giving them an irregular lilt. Kaine’s lips tightened into a flat line, but then he nodded. “I know you won’t, but you’ll be alive and away from the war. Those were always my terms.”

“If I don’t come back—if you ever see Kaine, tell him—tell him that I—” Her head dropped down, and she quickly brushed her fingertips across her cheeks. She cleared her voice and shook her head. “Never mind. I imagine he knows.”

If she didn’t go back, he’d return to find a mess of hastily assembled explosives and her scrawled note. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Even if her death was quick, Kaine’s punishment for his betrayal would be eternal. Or else they’d use her, just as they had his mother. It would be everything he’d feared. If they found him in her memory. If. She had to push him away, like she had pushed away the memory of— Soren. She would redirect her thoughts, transmute her memories until her mind stopped running to him. She couldn’t confess to something she didn’t remember.

Her hand. Her left hand was burning. The ring. Her heart stalled. Kaine. He’d come back and found her gone. She’d told him she’d be waiting, and she wasn’t there. The ring burned again and again and again. He was looking for her. He’d come for her. He always did. But she could not think about it. She had to forget. If she remembered and was interrogated, Kaine could not be found.

“Why’d you kill Lila?” Her voice cracked. “I didn’t. She’s alive.” She stared at him. The pain in her head seemed to make him glow.

“She has a son now. An exceptionally noisy child, named for his grandfather. And every time I’ve seen her, she’s tried to murder me at least twice.”

“You looked for me?” Her voice cracked. A look of anguish flashed across his eyes. “Of course I looked for you. I looked everywhere for you. Did you think I left you there?”

“After all, not every single horror that I’ve ever imagined has happened to you yet. Losing you and spending fourteen months trying and failing to find you. Finally getting you back, tortured and broken.

“You always said you wouldn’t choose me over everyone else. I am chained to a sinking ship. I will not take you with

I’d do it all again, every second, to save you.” He turned to look at her, shock and rage sweeping across his face. “You didn’t save me,” he said when he was finally capable of speech. “You just put us in hell for two years.” If he’d struck her, it would have hurt less.

“Every time you asked, I promised I was yours. Always. There aren’t any exemptions or expiration dates on always.”

“I love you,” she said the words against his mouth, as if breathing them into him. He was still a moment longer and then shook, his palms cradling her face,

they sat there in the lengthening dark, amid the ruins of all they’d once been. They just needed more time.

“I don’t want to choose. I always have to choose, and I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.”

I want you to stop breaking yourself trying to save me. Go. Live. Tell our daughter I saved you both. That—is what I want.”

“If it saves you, it’s worth it.”

“She very much remembers you. Howled for half the day when you arrived.”

Someday you’re going to run away with him. Somewhere quiet. You won’t ask for very much, just you and him, and that will be enough.”

You have to leave tonight. I can’t make it a perfect trip, but there’s enough in place. You’ll be able to manage.”

“He looks like your wife, doesn’t he? It’s the eyes and mouth; they’re so much like hers. He’s all you have left of her now. But every time he sees you, he hates you with your wife’s eyes.”

“Your mother would want me to save you.” “Well, you’re too late,”