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Oh shit here we go
She had so many questions, though. What happened? Why didn’t you come? Why did you hurt me? Why did you rape me? Why did you become High Reeve?
That Kaine would vanish, and when she woke it would be Ferron again, ice-cold and cruel.
“Morrough would have vivisected your brain the day they found you if Shiseo hadn’t intervened,” Kaine said. “He had no way of knowing what Morrough would do with the method.”
“Kaine…” He stopped, and she instantly withdrew her hand. She forced a tight smile. “Be careful. Don’t die.”
“I wouldn’t be—pregnant. Which means there’s something preventing you from doing it. And it’s me, isn’t it? You’re waiting until I’m gone, because it won’t matter then if Morrough knows you’re a traitor, because you’ll be dead. Because that’s the only way left to weaken Morrough, losing the High Reeve.”
“You always said you wouldn’t choose me over everyone else. I am chained to a sinking ship. I will not take you with me.” “I was lying!”
“I know you did. You were quite the force of destruction, if the reports were anything to go by. If my father hadn’t been there, and you hadn’t realised, you might have escaped. I know you tried.” He drew back. “But it wasn’t enough in the end, and that wasn’t your fault, it’s just the way it is.”
“Don’t lie to me anymore. I don’t want to wonder, every time, whether you’re telling the truth.”
“Every time you asked, I promised I was yours. Always. There aren’t any exemptions or expiration dates on always.”
“I’ve never gotten to tell anyone about you. I’d want someone to know what you were like.”
“You’re not a monster. You didn’t have any choice. Neither of us—we were both raped.”
I left a note. Didn’t you get my note? I love you.”
“I do,” she said more firmly, her voice shaking with intensity. “I love you. And I always will. Always.”
“I love you,” she said the words against his mouth, as if breathing them into him.
“I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for everything I did to you,” he said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I love you. You left, and I’d never told you.”
This was his attempt at giving her what she wanted. For him, acknowledging that he would have a child, a daughter, meant acknowledging that he wouldn’t live to meet her. He was telling the stories so Helena could tell their daughter about him, about what he’d been like, before the Institute and the war.
He was covered in scars. Her hand shook as she reached out and touched one that ran nearly the length of his torso. “What has he done to you?” He looked away. “Anything he wants.”
“I don’t want to choose. I always have to choose, and I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.”
“Helena, I’m tired.”
“This was ours…” She swallowed, blinking hard. “They took it from us, but it was ours.”
“We’ll go out together, won’t we, old girl? Bennet’s last two monsters.”
I thought that we could suffer enough to earn each other.”
“We received word that while the Eastern envoy was passing through Novis, the train was attacked. Everyone on board was killed—including Shiseo.”
“It’s all right, Kaine. You did everything you could.” I’d rather die in your arms.
To love someone. To be needed.
“He looks like your wife, doesn’t he? It’s the eyes and mouth; they’re so much like hers. He’s all you have left of her now. But every time he sees you, he hates you with your wife’s eyes.”
“But you won’t save Kaine by finding him. The killer you’re searching for is your son.”
“You came—” She reached for him. “I guess you always do.”
“It seems I am cursed to love as you do.”
“You need a willing soul for that, and you’re not going to find one, because the only person who’d die for me is you.”
“What? You’re not even going to ask me?” Atreus’s voice rose tauntingly from the ground.
“Why is it that I have to keep all my promises, but you never seem to keep a single one of yours?”
“The first promise I made to you was that I’d be yours for as long as I live. I’m keeping that one.”
“I need you,” she said. “We’re almost to the end now. But you have to come back to me. We’re running away, remember? You, me, and our baby. We’re going to be free. I’m going to save you, but I need you to fight with me.”
As Amaris levelled out, something flickered below. It grew, becoming an immense, glowing ring of light as Spirefell was consumed by roaring flames.
“Don’t die, Kaine,”
“We did it, Kaine,” she said. “Just like we always said we would.”
Kaine was still asleep beside her, his face turned towards her as if he’d fallen asleep staring at her.
“Helena—Helena, breathe. Look at me. I’m going to be careful. I’m not going to let anything take me from you.”
is fine if I get you instead.”
Living is not worth it to me if you’re the one who keeps paying the price for it. Let me fix what I can.”
“We have to stop hurting ourselves for each other,” she finally said. “Both of us. We’re not going to last if this is the only way we know how to love.”
To the world, to history, Lucien Holdfast had died on the steps of the Alchemy Tower. Lila would have to believe that, too.
That was what the room was, a life Kaine had tried to set her up with.
Her life was a perpetual countdown to disasters that she always failed to see coming.
“Before that, I’d just sent things along as I thought of something I thought you’d like.” She looked around again. All this, while he hadn’t even known if she was alive.
He didn’t have any dreams about what he’d do or be after the war. He had never even allowed for the possibility. He had no idea how to do anything but be a soldier.
“Are we really safe?” “We are.” She drew a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Good. I’m so tired.”
“We said always, didn’t we?” she asked, her voice strained. “Always. Well, if you don’t want that promise in full any longer, I’ll give it to you in increments.” She clutched his hand tighter. “Every day. I’ll choose you. That way you’ll know it’s still what I want.”
