Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

by Meg Josephson

People-pleasing is the behavior we engage in when we fear that we’re disappointing someone, that we’re in trouble, that we feel unsafe in some way. It’s the behavior that falsely soothes the queasy feeling that we’ve done something wrong.

Healing is an imperfect, lifelong practice of realizing that we were never “broken” to begin with.

the fawn response is about becoming more appealing to the threat, being liked by the threat, satisfying the threat, being helpful and agreeable to the threat—so that you can feel safe.

We learn that the other person’s comfort is more important than our own, that we can’t feel okay until the other person is okay. We learn that, in order for us to feel safe, we need to keep the peace, whatever it takes. And as a result, we’re disconnected from questions such as What do I need? What do I think? What do I want?

Being nice is often easier and a way to avoid conflict, but it can create long-term resentment if we’re constantly sacrificing our needs to make someone else happy.

This hypervigilance carries over into emotional monitoring, which means we’re constantly scanning other people’s emotional states to gauge what they may be feeling so that we can adapt.

learned that maintaining his happiness was my job—and I always felt like I was about to get fired.

Our brains and bodies don’t know the difference between an imagined experience and an actual experience. Physiologically, they feel the same. So when we torture ourselves with the worst possibility and it actually does happen, we’re living it twice—once in our heads, and then again in reality.

By fixating, we put off looking at and feeling the uncomfortable emotions that linger beneath the surface.

You can give it the love, acceptance, and care that it’s been waiting for. This is where the healing is. You could soothe this voice with statements like these: I know that you’re scared right now. It’s okay, I’m here. You’re safe now. I’m the parent and I’ll take care of you. I see that you’re overthinking again. That’s okay. Thank you for trying to protect me. You’re allowed to be here. I’m not trying to get rid of you, but you don’t need to work so hard.

Practicing mindfulness doesn’t change what’s happening—it changes our capacity to be with what is.

these were just thoughts, not the ultimate truth.

NICER (Notice, Invite, Curiosity, Embrace, and Return) is a tool to keep in your pocket to help you in moments of anxious panic. Fawning conditions the mind to ruminate and fixate. The practice of NICER cultivates an awareness that’s stronger than our thoughts.

I first notice (N) what’s happening internally. I’m noticing that I’m overthinking, and I’m noticing that I’m feeling guilt and anxiety. I then invite (I) this experience to be here. I allow it to exist without immediately trying to fix it or change it. I silently say to myself, This is allowed to be here. This is okay. I notice a little discomfort in allowing the experience to stay, and that’s just noticed, too. I then bring in some curiosity (C), as if I’m gathering field notes on my mind and body. What part of me has been activated? What is it that I’m feeling? Can I put a label on this experience? Yes, this is guilt. Mixed with some anxiety. That’s what this is. I’m feeling like a bad friend. Am I noticing bodily sensations that go with these feelings? Mmmm, tightness in the chest, and my throat feels clenched. I then embrace (E) this part of me as if I were wrapping it in a blanket. I see you, protective part. Thank you for trying to help me. It’s okay that this feeling is here. I’m safe. This is okay. Then I return (R) to what’s real and true right now: the sensation of my breath, any sounds in the room, the feeling of my feet on the ground. By returning to tangible things that are real and true right now, in this moment, I’m pulling my focus back into the present. I open

Now that you’ve seen NICER in practice, let’s look at how you can use it in your everyday life when you’re caught up in overthinking. NOTICE. Notice that your mind started anxiously spiraling. Notice that you got lost in an imaginary conversation. Notice that you just took a one-way trip to a worst-case scenario. That’s it, just notice that your mind went there. No need to add an extra layer of self-judgment for having the thought. Just notice that your mind was thinking. INVITE. Invite this inner experience to stay just for a second like an old friend; allow it to exist. This isn’t to say that you’re clinging to the thought; rather, you’re just not resisting it or shoving it away. It’s okay that this is here. Nothing is wrong with me for thinking or feeling this. This is just what’s happening now, and it’s impermanent. Or even more simply, you can say to yourself, Just this. CURIOSITY. Allow curiosity in. Be the observer of your own body and mind. Not in an overthinking, overintellectualizing way but in a grounded, clear manner. Is this thought true? What emotion is this? What bodily sensations am I experiencing right now? Are these sensations pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral? EMBRACE. Embrace this protective part of you, this inner voice, with warmth and understanding. The mind’s tendency is to make us judge ourselves for having an anxious thought (Why am I like this? When will this go away?). We’re working on relating to our inner experience with a bit more compassion. ...

The emotion you feel is valid, but that doesn’t mean the behavior is.

GUILT SAYS: I did something bad or wrong. I feel guilty because my behavior violated, or is out of alignment with, my own personal values or standards.

SHAME SAYS: I am bad or wrong. Guilt and shame are closely related, but shame goes deeper. Shame is a more pervasive feeling that I’m inherently flawed or inadequate as a person, leading me to want to hide or withdraw.

The emotion you’re feeling is valid, but the story the mind creates about the feeling isn’t always true.

Notice that an emotion is coming up for you. This is an important, daily practice of observing when an emotion is arising and allowing yourself to say, This is just what I’m feeling. Invite the emotion to be there for a second, like you’re welcoming an old friend. You’re not clinging to the emotion and you’re not resisting it, but rather you’re allowing it to be there without shoving it out the door. Get Curious about the emotion: What is it that I’m feeling? Is this anger? Resentment? Fear? Okay, and how is this emotion showing up in my body? Do I feel any sensations? Tightness? Heat? Is this emotion communicating something to me, a need that isn’t being met? Embrace the emotion. Say something like, Hello, anger, you’re allowed to be here. What I’m feeling makes sense. It’s safe to feel this. Return to what’s real and true right now. What do you see around you? Can you feel your breath in your body?