Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

by Meg Josephson

safer to keep people at a distance than to risk letting people in and being let down (again). Despite fawning being a “nice” threat response that can flood us with short-term validation and bursts of affirmation, it ultimately maintains the distance that’s so familiar to us. Fawning keeps us from being vulnerable, honest. It lets people in on the surface but emotionally keeps people at a distance. Fawning pushes away authentic connection for the sake of short-term harmony. How close we can get to other people is a direct reflection of how close we are to ourselves.

The most important aspect of your healing is your own awareness. It’s realizing that you aren’t the voice inside your mind; you’re the one who notices it.

overthinking: Maybe if I think about this worst-case scenario thirty-seven times, I’ll be prepared when (if) it happens. If I play out every possible angle of the imaginary conversation, maybe I’ll know exactly what to say or do if the conversation happens, and I’ll feel in control of the uncomfortable emotions that I’ll inevitably feel. We repeatedly play out the worst thing that could happen to control how we’ll feel if it does. If the worst-case scenario brings up a lot of fear, or anger, or guilt, we’ll imagine that scenario again and again so that we can figure out what to do with the discomfort of those emotions.

People-pleasing is an unconscious way of trying to feel a false sense of control (with emphasis on “unconscious”—remember that fawning is an adaptive survival mechanism). It’s when we can be aware that we’re fawning that we can begin to break out of the pattern. People-pleasing makes us feel safe by allowing us to feel in control of the narrative, of people’s perceptions—all to avoid our own discomfort, to avoid our own emotions, which feel scary to sit with.

On the other side of that discomfort is freedom. It’s time for you to start trusting your future self to carry you

through difficult situations—your future self has always gotten you through before. The Subconscious Storyteller:

If picturing your younger self is still hard to do, it may be helpful to think of this voice as an animal or a character of some sort. For whatever reason, the image that comes to mind for me is Totoro from the film My Neighbor Totoro, who is an adorable woodland creature with tall ears, wide eyes, and a squishy belly. When you can picture this scared voice coming from a being separate from you, whether it’s a younger version of you or a fictional character, it will be easier to remember that those thoughts are not you, that you are the one listening.

others. If you’re critical of

yourself first, you can be “perfect,” someone whom no one will find fault with. Think of this critic as your inner adviser, a concerned friend working tirelessly to keep you safe. Your inner critic put tons of pressure on you and learned what sorts of things attracted criticism or sparked conflict, and it learned what to say to get you to prevent those things from happening. The inner critic is trying to protect you, but that doesn’t mean you always need protecting. So many fawners have such harsh inner critics because there once wasn’t space for their uncomfortable emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. Those emotions couldn’t be expressed and they had to go somewhere, so they went inward, toward the self, manifesting as harsh self-criticism.

In a way, she was judging other people through

the judgments she had about herself.

come true. While our thoughts certainly have enormous power, perhaps it’s more accurate to say that our focus creates our reality. What we pour our attention into is what shapes our lives. So many of our thoughts are involuntary, and when we relate to them with fear and rigidity, we only make them louder. Our thoughts are not actions. What we do with our thoughts and with our emotions—that’s our responsibility and that’s what’s in our control.

it’s a part of you that’s starving for love and acceptance. If you don’t soothe that inner voice, the need to soothe and protect it will never go away. If you had a beloved pet that was scared, you wouldn’t soothe it by saying, “What’s wrong with you? You shouldn’t be scared. Get over it.” No, of course not. You’d gently approach your pet, offer your hand, and say, “What’s wrong? What do you need? You’re okay.” How is this scared part of yourself, the part that chronically fawns, any different? Talk to this part of yourself the way you’d talk to a toddler. The next time you accidentally break a glass and your inner voice starts berating you, pause and shift the dialogue: Oops, that’s okay. Mistakes happen. You don’t need to be perfect. The next time this younger part feels scared, you might just say to yourself, That’s okay. You’re safe. This might feel ridiculous at first, but perhaps that just goes to show how unfamiliar self-compassion has been to you.

A

Compassionate Other is a being that is compassionate, wise, calm, and grounded and can talk to and relate to the scared parts of you on your behalf. This Compassionate Other can be the most evolved version of you, or it can be someone in your life who feels safe and secure to you, or it can be a fictional character from a movie or a book or is completely made up but whom you would find comforting to have around. Are they younger or older than you? What are they wearing? What does their voice sound like? What does their face look like? This person or being will never criticize you or blame you but will always remain understanding, calm, and nurturing.

I

know that you’re scared right now. It’s okay, I’m here. You’re safe now. I’m the parent and I’ll take care of you. I see that you’re overthinking again. That’s okay. Thank you for trying to protect me. You’re allowed to be here. I’m not trying to get rid of you, but you don’t need to work so hard.

But mindfulness is really providing us with the ability to be with reality. Mindfulness trains us to deal with what life throws at us with a sense of inner stability instead of turning away from it. It’s not about getting rid of stressors or falsely believing that there’s a magical land in the clouds of our mind where stress doesn’t exist. Rather, we’re altering how we relate to the stress so that we don’t make things harder than they need to be. Practicing mindfulness doesn’t change what’s happening—it changes our capacity to be with what is.

that.” By labeling the experience as

self-doubt, Charlie was able to remember that these were just thoughts, not the ultimate truth. By labeling it as a common human

experience that many people, including other creatives, feel, he was able...

NICER (Notice, Invite, Curiosity, Embrace, and Return) is a tool to keep in your pocket to help you in moments of anxious panic. Fawning conditions the mind to ruminate and fixate. The practice of NICER cultivates an awareness that’s stronger than our thoughts.

I first notice (N) what’s happening internally. I’m noticing that I’m overthinking, and I’m noticing that I’m feeling guilt and anxiety. I then invite (I) this experience to be here. I allow it to exist without immediately trying to fix it or change it. I silently say to myself, This is allowed to be here. This is okay. I notice a little discomfort in allowing the experience to stay, and that’s just noticed, too. I then bring in some curiosity (C), as if I’m gathering field notes on my mind and body. What part of me has been activated? What is it that I’m feeling? Can I put a label on this experience? Yes, this is guilt. Mixed with some anxiety. That’s what this is. I’m feeling like a bad friend. Am I noticing bodily sensations that go with these feelings? Mmmm, tightness in the chest, and my throat feels clenched. I then embrace (E)

this part of me as if I were wrapping it in a blanket. I see you, protective part. Thank you for trying to help me. It’s okay that this feeling is here. I’m safe. This is okay. Then I return (R) to what’s real and true right now: the sensation of my breath, any sounds in the room, the feeling of my feet on the ground. By returning to tangible things that are real and true right now, in this moment, I’m pulling my focus back into the present.

NOTICE. Notice that your mind started anxiously spiraling. Notice that you got lost in an imaginary conversation. Notice that you just took a one-way trip to a worst-case scenario. That’s it, just notice that your mind went there. No need to add an extra layer of self-judgment for having the thought. Just notice that your mind was thinking. INVITE. Invite this inner experience to stay just for a second like an old friend; allow it to exist. This isn’t to say that you’re clinging to the thought; rather, you’re just not resisting it or shoving it away. It’s okay that this is here. Nothing is wrong with me for thinking or feeling this. This is just what’s happening now, and it’s impermanent. Or even more simply, you can say to yourself, Just this.

CURIOSITY. Allow curiosity in. Be the observer of your own body and mind. Not in an overthinking, overintellectualizing way but in a grounded, clear manner. Is this thought true? What emotion is this? What bodily sensations am I experiencing right now? Are these sensations pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral? EMBRACE. Embrace this protective part of you, this inner voice, with warmth and understanding. The mind’s tendency is to make us judge ourselves for having an anxious thought (Why am I like this? When will this go away?). We’re working on relating to our inner experience with a bit more compassion. Thank you for trying to protect me. It’s okay that you’re feeling this. It makes sense. You’re safe. RETURN. Return to something that’s real and true right now. This could be the steady rise and fall of your belly as you breathe in and out, a siren you hear in the distance, or a sensation in your body. By gently shifting your focus to what’s happening now, you’re training your mind to return to the present.

emotions are bad. With the fawn response, it was protective for you to hyperfocus on what others were feeling and therefore lose the connection that you had with your own internal world. If you remained totally focused on making sure other people were happy and managing their moods, you didn’t get the opportunity to know the vastness of your emotions and how to coexist with them. How you relate to your emotions is a window into (1) how your caregivers related to their own emotions and (2) how they related to your emotions when you were growing up.

In The Body Keeps the Score, author Bessel van der Kolk says, “The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort.”1 When we experience trauma, the protective part of ourself is frozen in that traumatic time and thinks the past is still happening. This protective part still thinks we’re six years old, twelve years old, and so on. Even if the trauma occurred long ago, when we’re reminded of it, we’ll react with the stress of that time because our body thinks it’s occurring now.

ANGER SAYS: My values are being compromised. There’s an injustice here. My needs aren’t being met. When anger is swallowed again and again, it becomes resentment. Anger can also be protecting us from another emotion, like fear, sadness, or grief. FEAR SAYS: Something about this feels threatening. My safety or sense of security is being compromised. It may just feel scary because it’s unfamiliar, but let’s inquire further. DISAPPOINTMENT SAYS: There’s a gap between my expectations, assumptions, or beliefs and what I’m seeing in reality. Whether or not these expectations were realistic, this disappointment is letting me know that what I’m experiencing isn’t what I was hoping to experience. ENVY SAYS: They have something that I would like for myself. This is nudging at a deep desire I have that hasn’t yet been fulfilled.

GUILT SAYS: I did something bad or wrong. I feel guilty because my behavior violated, or is out of alignment with, my own personal values or standards. SHAME SAYS: I am bad or wrong. Guilt and shame are closely related, but shame goes deeper. Shame is a more pervasive feeling that I’m inherently flawed or inadequate as a person, leading me to want to hide or withdraw.

Notice that an emotion is coming up for you. This is an important, daily practice of observing when an emotion is arising and allowing yourself to say, This is just what I’m feeling. Invite the emotion to be there for a second, like you’re welcoming an old friend. You’re not clinging to the emotion and you’re not resisting it, but rather you’re allowing it to be there without shoving it out the door. Get Curious about the emotion: What is it that I’m feeling? Is this anger? Resentment? Fear? Okay, and how is this emotion showing up in my body? Do I feel any sensations? Tightness? Heat? Is this emotion communicating something to me, a need that isn’t being met? Embrace the emotion. Say something like, Hello, anger, you’re allowed to be here. What I’m feeling makes sense. It’s safe to feel this.

Return to what’s real and true right now. What do you see around you? Can you feel your breath in your body?

In Eastern cultures, specifically Traditional Chinese Medicine, it’s widely understood that grief is stored in the lungs, which are considered to be the “custodians of grief.” It’s said that unresolved grief and unprocessed sadness can disrupt lung function, manifesting as shortness of breath, fatigue, and higher susceptibility to colds and asthma. In Afro-Indigenous cultures, healing often begins with a deep connection to ancestors, viewing their wisdom as a potent source of healing, strength, and guidance.5

Trauma research has shown that we can’t outsmart trauma or

think our way out of it. Trauma is stored in the body, and

it

lingers there until we feel an internal sense of safety.7 We don’t rewire familiar patterns just by talking to ourselves intellectually; we must show our bodies that we’re safe by being able to tolerate discomfort, soothing the scared part of ourselves in that discomfort, ...

These are all parts of the sympathetic nervous system response, which is what happens in the body during moments of high stress.

But we can use our breath to communicate to our bodies that we are safe. When

In a 2009 review, researchers at Columbia University discussed their finding that slow, deep breathing was associated with reduced stress in groups of people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as well as in groups of healthy individuals who were managing everyday stress.9 Not only that, but the evidence of stress reduction was often immediate—and, over the long term, deep, diaphragmatic breathing has been shown to reduce cortisol levels in the body. Our breath is a brilliant built-in tool that’s here to support us in our healing. It’s free, and it’s always available to us as long as we’re alive, no matter where we are, no matter how little time we have. When our bodies are frozen in the past, focusing on our breath affirms that we’re actually here, right now. It’s how we can communicate to our bodies that we’re calm and safe.

STEP 1: Something stressful happens, either internally or externally—an anxious thought spiral or someone doing something to make you feel unsafe, whether or not you actually are. STEP 2: Your body tenses up. STEP 3: Tense muscles say to the body: Something bad is happening! This is stressful! STEP 4: The tense muscles cue more anxious thoughts, more muscular tension, and more panic, continuing the cycle of stress and tension.

And when we’re evaluating for PTSD, low cortisol levels are a strong indicator. While it may seem counterintuitive that low cortisol levels would occur with PTSD, this is an adaptive response to chronic stress, including intergenerational trauma. It happens because prolonged exposure to stress can lead to dysregulation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which regulates the body’s response to stress. This blunts the cortisol response and lowers the body’s baseline amount of cortisol over time. This is to say that the trauma that lives in our bodies is not just about our own lived experiences but also about the tragedies, oppression, and marginalization of the family members who came before us.

“Repetitive traumas that happened to our ancestors as many as seven generations before can be passed down to our children.”

ELONGATE THE EXHALE. Make your exhale longer than your inhale (like breathing in for a count of 4, breathing out for 6). This stimulates the vagus nerve and immediately activates the parasympathetic nervous system. 5 4 3 2 1. Ground yourself in your current environment. Look around and name five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I SPY. Gaze around your environment and notice everything that’s green—or any other color. (Or notice things that look smooth or bumpy or that are moving.) You may also incorporate movement into this practice by going on a color walk. Choose a color to focus on and look for that color during your walk. You’ll notice how quickly your brain starts to find it. This is a simple way to anchor yourself in the present moment when your thoughts are extra chatty. HUM. Close your mouth, relax your jaw, inhale through your nose, and exhale through your

nose,

making a sound with your vocal cords. Your voice will create a soft buzzing sound, and this vibration stimulates your vagus nerve. The same is true for singing or chanting, because the larynx, or the voice box, is connected to the vagus nerve. BE IN NATURE. It almost feels clichéd to say this because so much research shows the grounding effect of immersing ourselves in nature—yet we don’t even need research to know that. We feel it. Since our bodies are part of nature, by spending time in nature we’re really just returning to ourselves. Access nature in a way that’s possible for you. When I was living in New York City, I’d find a patch of grass to lie on at a local park, and I would track the phases of the moon as a way to feel connected. PLACE YOUR HAND WHERE THE TENSION IS. Studies have shown again and again how eff...

BILATERAL STIMULATION. This is a fancy phrase for stimulating both the left and the right side of your brain, which helps to calm the nervous system. We can do this in many ways, but the most accessible is through tapping. Place your hands on your knees when sitting, or cross your arms on your chest so you have a hand on each shoulder, and alternate gently tapping. Left, right, left, right. VISUALIZE A TIME YOU FELT SAFE. As we now know, the body doesn’t know the difference between an imagined experience and a real experience when we’re picturing a worst-case scenario. But the same is true for soothing thoughts. Recall a time when you felt safe: Where were you? What did it feel like? Were you with anyone? If it’s hard to do this, can you imagine a place where, or a time when, you would feel safe and comforted? LEGS UP THE WALL. This is a yoga pose (viparita karani in Sanskrit) known to reverse the body’s energy flow and calm the nervous system. Lie down on the floor, scoot your butt as close to the wall as you can, and swing your legs up along the wall as you lie comfortably on your back. Once your legs are along the wall, see if you can scoot your butt even closer to the wall. ...

wall and press your hands against it, pushing firmly. As you’re doing this, feel your strength. Exhale it out. Remind yourself, This anger is allowed to be here. DO SLOW STRETCHING. Light a candle, take a few deep breaths, and do so...

Thank you, stomach, for allowing me to digest delicious food properly and for preparing my body to get energy from that food. Thank you, arms, for dancing with me, for allowing me to embrace the people and animals