Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

by Meg Josephson

Alicia found comfort by being a Lone Wolf. She learned to rely on herself not out of desire but out of necessity. She received the most praise from her parents when she wasn’t “bothering” them. “You’re so easy,” they’d say, and that was how she made them happy. This Lone Wolf behavior seeped into all facets of her life: she played only individual sports (mainly tennis) so that she’d continue to be seen as succeeding on her own, without the support of others, and so she couldn’t let anyone down. She never “bothered” her parents with anything, whether she was struggling with a homework assignment or experiencing crippling anxiety as a teenager. She felt safest alone in her room. As an adult, Alicia isolates. Because she learned that her needs wouldn’t be met, she doesn’t want to burden anyone with hers, leading her to keep her distance in relationships. The closer people want to get to her, the more she fantasizes about being alone, because the possibility of having her needs seen and then rejected once again feels too painful. She’s lonely but craves deep connection and will constantly look outward for approval and validation to soothe the part of her that wants to be seen. The Lone Wolf believes: Love should feel really hard to get. I avoid conflict by never allowing myself to get close to people. It’s unsafe to let people really get to know me.